I haven’t posted for a long time, but this is so disturbing that I just had to post.
I have a few questions for you:
1) Besides for this rov (who told you to butt out) do you have anyone else to confide in and seek advice from? Like a parent or a sibling-someone who can both advise you and advocate for you if necessary. This is so important.
2) What made you choose this rov? Is it because it is his rov? From the sounds of your husband I don’t think he is a reliable judge on choosing a good rov There are many “brand name” well known rabbonim that are either not qualified for marriage counseling/ human relations and just don’t know or acknowledge their limitations- they may be respected and recommended because they are highly qualified in other areas but are over stepping their boundaries when it comes to something as complex as shalom bayis or unfortunately, they may be worthless in general.
There are a few disturbing things about this rov that perhaps you can shed light on.
What does he say about your husband’s obsession with your weight? Does he tell your husband to butt out or is that ok? What abourt the fact that he makes you feel inferior? What is this rov’s game plan for the marriage? Obviosly the status que is not sustainable!Where does he plan to go from here and how does he plan to do it? Do your research- maybe you should find out which rov has success with shalom bayis issues like r Moshe meir weiss etc and get a second opinion from him.He might not agree that you should butt out.
Is your husband depressed, or taking meds? If he is, that alone is not grounds for divorce, but it is something you should be aware of. Either way, he has an obligation to make you feel like a worthwhile human being, if nothing else.
Did you consider hiring an investigator to traack him? Make sure there is a good reason for him coming home late-otherwise it explains why he is no longer attaracted to you.
Does he have friends? What kind of people are they? Can they talk to him if necessary? What are his parents like? Does he have a rosh yeshiva that he feels close with?
My personal opinion is that if he can learn to be kind to you, the rest can be worked out with time. Otherwise, there is nothing to work with, and the more time you wait, the harder it is and the more complicated it gets to extricate yourself from this mess and move on with your life, and meanwhile the mess only gets bigger. You have to believe in yourself and your abilities to overcome all the odds. Even if you choose to stay, it needs to be from a position of strength and not out of desperation, Your husband will sense your strength and will respect it. He will also sense if you are weak and will take advantage of it. You must believe in yourself and feel confident. If you stay, it is because you choose to stay, not because you can’t make it on your own.
Please confide in your family and get a second opinion from another rov because something just doesn’t add up here. I feel for you and wish you lots of siyatta dishmaya.