July 18, 2011 6:15 pm at 6:15 pm #598053
When a husband rejects his wife because she has gained too much weight, how much is too much?
At one point I was still wearing Sheba brachos outfits (less than ten pounds heavier than at my wedding) and still rejected. Halachikly, does a man have a right to deny his wife even something so basic as having children because she isn’ t skinny enough?July 18, 2011 6:45 pm at 6:45 pm #788540bombmaniacParticipant
halachicly he can divorce you for burning the food…July 18, 2011 8:05 pm at 8:05 pm #788541wanderingchanaParticipant
So why don’t more women whose husbands won’t give them a get burn his food?July 18, 2011 8:41 pm at 8:41 pm #788542DroidMember
So why don’t more women whose husbands won’t give them a get burn his food?
Because it still is at his discretion. Her burning his food doesn’t compel him to give it.July 18, 2011 8:56 pm at 8:56 pm #788543bombmaniacParticipant
unless he really really hates burned food 😛July 18, 2011 9:22 pm at 9:22 pm #788544
If this is a serious OP, that wife needs to seriouly get a new husband. The extra 10-20 lbs is not the issue, trust me.
(But something tells me this is a hoax)July 18, 2011 9:35 pm at 9:35 pm #788545
mommamia22 – You need to talk to a rav or marriege consler ASAP. Nobody should put you down for gaining ten pounds (not even 100 pounds) especialy not your own husband.
He did not get any garantee for you to stay slim but you got a kesubah garanteeing you that he will treat you “like every jewish man would”, the ishue you mentioned is the most basic a wife expects from a husband.
For those who said he can divorce you, a husband can decide to divorce is wife if he dosen’t like her (aldough for someone to dislike his wife for puting up ten pounds shows that he is very shallow) but as long he is married he has some Torah mandated obligations including but not limited to the above mentioned ishue.
And even just to keep telling you that you are “fat” is verble abuse that you should put a stop to it.July 18, 2011 9:38 pm at 9:38 pm #788546
“(But something tells me this is a hoax)”
I cant see a wife who is happily married puting down her husband in a public form just for a hoax.July 18, 2011 9:41 pm at 9:41 pm #788547
Nor can I see a husband rejecting his wife over 10 lbs.
There is either much more to this story, or its made up.July 18, 2011 9:50 pm at 9:50 pm #788548adamsParticipant
Check if the reason given is not the real reason but something else is bugging him. I think you should get help immediatly.
Talk to a therapist. There should be a way to improve this situation but it requires an outside party to guide you.July 18, 2011 10:38 pm at 10:38 pm #788549oomisParticipant
If this is real, the answer is simple. Some people are shallow jerks.
EDITEDJuly 18, 2011 10:45 pm at 10:45 pm #788550
bpt – I can agree with you that there most be a greater ishue, but the husband should deal with it in a meture way.July 18, 2011 10:50 pm at 10:50 pm #788551
It pains me to think you think this is a hoax. If only. From what I hear it’s much more common than is spoken of. I gained a lot during pregnancy, and then lost a lot. I guess I was wondering what is the “cutoff point” at which point a husband can say “I don’t like fat women with big thighs” and the woman has to look at herself and say”he’s right, he has a right to reject me”.July 18, 2011 10:53 pm at 10:53 pm #788553
If this story is a real issue, than the “weight issue” can only be the pit of the iceberg! I wish Mammamia would expound upon her previous statement…July 18, 2011 11:00 pm at 11:00 pm #788554
There is never a cut-off or excuse, unless the husband is sincerely worried about the wife’s health.
I am horrified to hear a husband behave such a way to his wife! (although I do know that this behavior is far from rare)July 18, 2011 11:00 pm at 11:00 pm #788555
He has a right to help you, not to reject you.July 18, 2011 11:04 pm at 11:04 pm #788556
On the other hand you need to know if he is realy rejecting you or if you have a complex about it. Sometimes a man can say something that from his point of view is an inocent comment not relizing that for his wife it hits on a raw nerve.July 18, 2011 11:07 pm at 11:07 pm #788557DroidMember
deiyezooger: She doesn’t need help. There is nothing unhealthy with a woman who gave birth to children to no longer look anorexic. Her weight is perfectly normal. He needs to get used to it.July 18, 2011 11:15 pm at 11:15 pm #788558fix-it-upMember
listen, i myself gained a crazy amountin pregancy from water retension. I went from being really thin to plus 50 lbs-not pretty-but BH for good reasons. But you also have to be realistic. He shouldnt reject you, however you shld do ur best to look good and presentable. If the weight is bothering you or him, then try to work out and get rid of it, tell him you understand where he is coming from, and try some more exersize. Just make sure ur both understanding of each other.July 18, 2011 11:17 pm at 11:17 pm #788559
“deiyezooger: She doesn’t need help. There is nothing unhealthy with a woman who gave birth to children to no longer look anorexic. Her weight is perfectly normal. He needs to get used to it.”
My wife has a freind who went from a size 2 to a size 16 in one pregnency (she gained almost 60 pounds) in such a case you will want your husbands support in your afort to loose some of it, but more so you will want your husbands emotional support being that besides the wieght ishue she is in a volnerable state after having a baby.July 18, 2011 11:20 pm at 11:20 pm #788560
Mommamia, would you be able to define the term “rejected” in relation to your situation?July 18, 2011 11:53 pm at 11:53 pm #788561always hereParticipant
Another name~ it is mentioned in the last line of the OP.July 19, 2011 1:05 am at 1:05 am #788562
always here, thanks (now how did I miss that?). I just wanted to confirm that my other statements weren’t too dramatic- I still stand behing them.July 19, 2011 2:22 am at 2:22 am #788563
I lost nearly 70 pounds of extra weight and was able to return to my original clothing size from the day we married. He stlll rejected me for months on end, at which point I became discouraged and began putting the weight back on (my issue; I’m working on this). I’m just questioning, am I crazy for waiting around, wasting months and years on end thinking things will improve and the attraction will grow? How am I to understand a man who is attracted to his wife when they first marry, and then, even returning to this weight, a lack of attraction or interest? I just don’t get it, and don’t want to waste my life waiting to see if it will be fixed, if I just become “good enough, or thin enough”.July 19, 2011 2:41 am at 2:41 am #788564shlishiMember
Is this a popularity contest where you will go with whatever gets the most votes?July 19, 2011 2:46 am at 2:46 am #788565
I’m sorry to tell you, you are an abusers dream, after being treated like garbedge (something no one deserves) you still wonder if its your fault.
Do yourself and your husband a favor, GET PROFESIONAL HELP ASAP!!July 19, 2011 2:54 am at 2:54 am #788566
Obviously, there is no attraction, weight or no weight. I’m sorry but there is something wrong with HIM. Like Deiyezooger, I suggest you get help.July 19, 2011 2:58 am at 2:58 am #788567mom12Participant
many years ago I went to the bungalow colony with someone who’s husband did not not allow her to gain a pound.. and other very shallow rules,in the home..
I then met up with a few years later, she was remarried..
No, i did not hear that she was divorced but I was certainly not surprised..July 19, 2011 12:02 pm at 12:02 pm #788568mddMember
Droid, for the first marriage we pasken like Beis Shamai:” Al igaresh ele im ken matza ba ervas dovar (unless she wants it)”.July 19, 2011 12:53 pm at 12:53 pm #788569jmj613Participant
comeon ppl which kind of husband rejects his wife over some pounds???? Drag him to some therapysts and if that doesnt help…what kind of guy is that? id suggest he has diffrent issues as well besides your pounds…July 19, 2011 2:11 pm at 2:11 pm #788570
Since the OP is adamant about this not being a hoax, I’ll back off and take it for what it really is.
That said, is it possible that the rejection was due in part because you did not feel as 100% as you once did, and as a result projected a negative vibe? That might account for the “rejection” you were picking up, as it was a mirror image.
At any rate, and regardless of the weight, if your mood is positive and upbeat, it comes back to you. Break the routine, make dinner reservations, get dressed like you mean it (makeup and everything) and see if that does not work.
As do most of us middle agers, I know dozens of folks that are 30-40 lbs heavier than the day they walked down the aisle. But that has not stopped them from having a very well rounded marraige. I’ll not elaborate further, but you get the idea.
Before you opt for the therapy / counselor venue, try the method that has worked for most couples. The food and visual senses route!July 19, 2011 2:54 pm at 2:54 pm #788571get a lifeMember
Sounds like he is the one who needs to change. IN fact sounds like some abuse is happening here.
However I will repeat what an abused wife (who divorced and remarried) said. “don’t get divorced unless being alone is better than your current life”. the reason she said that is because it is very hard to remarry especially if you have kids so chances are you will be alone.July 19, 2011 7:37 pm at 7:37 pm #788572shlishiMember
Chalila encouraging someone to breakup their marriage is a terrible thing for one to do.July 20, 2011 2:01 am at 2:01 am #788573aries2756Participant
You definitely need someone to speak to. I would suggest that the first person you speak to is your Kallah teacher. She will be the least bias person since she doesn’t have a horse in the race so to speak. Please be absolutely honest with her. She will probably have some questions for you so try to answer them truthfully. She might advise you to call his Rav or she might offer to make the call for you. You will only build resentment if you don’t address the issue and find out what is going on and correct it.July 20, 2011 3:16 pm at 3:16 pm #788574
I cannot believe that this is the only thing going on here. I’m sure there is more to the story- and if you dont have any other issues with him yet- they are prob just being hidden from you. He needs help. Try being as presentable as possible- dont walk around in rags when hes there and make sure to put on makeup…. and take him to speak to someone!July 20, 2011 3:30 pm at 3:30 pm #788575Bagel BoyParticipant
whatever happened to unconditional love? , if the husband is concerned about her health thats one thing if its about appearances thats ridiculisJuly 20, 2011 4:04 pm at 4:04 pm #788576
its not about health because she didnt gain enough weight for it to be unhealthyJuly 20, 2011 6:47 pm at 6:47 pm #788577
You’re right, there are other issues. My husband doesn’t go to shul (except on shabbos shacharis, when we drag the whole family to make sure he goes and the kids see), doesn’t daven at home, doesn’t put on tefillin. I spoke with a rav and was told to bud out. I also discussed the above mentioned issue and was asked by this rav if I thought he was being unfaithful. I did/do not. Since that discussion, and because he works till so late, I have wondered, but hope and believe that’s not the case. There have been instances of verbal abuse. I was once told by him after a wedding, that I didn’t belong sitting on the side of the table where I sat (with friends/who are thin) but rather belonged on the other side of the table with the middle aged obese women. I was speechless. He doesn’t talk to me like this all the time, but when he does, I can’t believe what I’m hearing.. I never grew up like this. Part of what keeps me from walking is I am unemployed, have very young children, one of which has special issues. He is a very loving father, and I don’t believe anyone would have the patience he has for our child’s needs. I keep postponing walking out, thinking if I just lose enough and save enough, either things will improve or I’ll be in a stronger and better position to help myself. But with this weight setback, I’m beginning to wonder if I set myself up to wait endlessly, until I’m too old to make a life for myself.July 20, 2011 7:18 pm at 7:18 pm #788578
If thats how bad it is then I would suggest you leave but make sure you have a plan before you just walk out and end up on the street. can you get a job? what about your social life outside of the home?
does he have a rav that would talk to him?July 20, 2011 8:56 pm at 8:56 pm #788579
From what you just posted, the problem is far greater than the absence of relations. The man is not observant! How can you contemplate staying in a marraige like that? (I take it that you yourself are frum).
Sorry to say, but if his frumkeit is shaky, his fidelity most likely is as well.
Stop kidding yourself, thinking that you can’t do better, and that he is doing a fine job. Give him a 6 month window to get his act together and if he does not, move on.July 20, 2011 9:09 pm at 9:09 pm #788580
Did you ever suggest to him that you two go to marriage counseling? Does he relize HE has a problem?July 20, 2011 10:39 pm at 10:39 pm #788581
mommamia, your story is horrible and tragic! You must be enduring so much pain! Does your husband realize how bothered (that’s putting it lightly) that you are? If he does and is willing to change their might be a bit of hope. That would be a long and difficult (but hopefully worthwhile) journey for the two of you.
If he won’t come to his senses and seek help, then it is you that must seek help from another Rav to take care of yourself before it gets any worse…July 21, 2011 1:11 am at 1:11 am #788582
I think what makes my situation so confusing is that I’ve been told to bud out of the religious issues with him (by a well known rabbi). He is frum in some ways, but not others. He keeps shabbos, kashrut, tzitzis, niddah (easy for him when he’s not attracted to me/torturous for me) doesn’t Daven, put on tefillin, bench (I always have to remind him on shabbos, and he always has some excuse why it’s not a good time/the kids need us, etc.). We went for couples counseling. He didn’t want to do the work. I used to be much more self confident, sought after. Now , I can’t fathom making a life on my own or anyone wanting me. Am I wrong for thinking the religious issues are my business? I fear it will affect my kids religious development. There are so many threads about not breaking up a marriage. How do you know if/when you need to when you’re friends and your rabbi are telling you to ignore the issues?July 21, 2011 1:28 am at 1:28 am #788583Pac-ManMember
Breaking up wont help the kids religiously. They will still see his religious behaviour, as he will still be their father.July 21, 2011 2:10 am at 2:10 am #788584
Pac-Man, but the father definitely has more religious control when he is a partner in the marriage, as opposed to a divorcee with visitation rights.
MammaMia, don’t let your husband break your spirit. Seek other sources of help. Perhaps you want to contact another Rav or speak to your mentor more openly about the issues. Don’t just swallow his poison in silence…July 21, 2011 3:09 am at 3:09 am #788585oomisParticipant
OY! I am really hurting for you. I don’t know what to say (for once).July 21, 2011 4:15 am at 4:15 am #788586am yisrael chaiParticipant
Really pained for you.
I strongly suggest you look into a frum support group for domestic abuse in your area.
As you indicate, your self-esteem has understandably suffered as a result of your spouse’s behavior, and you are going to need self-esteem AND support in order to make sound decisions.
And daven to Hashem that He should make it so clear to you what you should be doing.
Imach anochi b’tzaar
HatzlachaJuly 21, 2011 4:36 am at 4:36 am #788587
Tears…….. 🙁 I’ll look into the suggestions. Thank you. If anyone knows of any such groups and/or contact info please let me know.July 21, 2011 6:10 am at 6:10 am #788588BSDMember
I haven’t posted for a long time, but this is so disturbing that I just had to post.
I have a few questions for you:
1) Besides for this rov (who told you to butt out) do you have anyone else to confide in and seek advice from? Like a parent or a sibling-someone who can both advise you and advocate for you if necessary. This is so important.
2) What made you choose this rov? Is it because it is his rov? From the sounds of your husband I don’t think he is a reliable judge on choosing a good rov There are many “brand name” well known rabbonim that are either not qualified for marriage counseling/ human relations and just don’t know or acknowledge their limitations- they may be respected and recommended because they are highly qualified in other areas but are over stepping their boundaries when it comes to something as complex as shalom bayis or unfortunately, they may be worthless in general.
There are a few disturbing things about this rov that perhaps you can shed light on.
What does he say about your husband’s obsession with your weight? Does he tell your husband to butt out or is that ok? What abourt the fact that he makes you feel inferior? What is this rov’s game plan for the marriage? Obviosly the status que is not sustainable!Where does he plan to go from here and how does he plan to do it? Do your research- maybe you should find out which rov has success with shalom bayis issues like r Moshe meir weiss etc and get a second opinion from him.He might not agree that you should butt out.
Is your husband depressed, or taking meds? If he is, that alone is not grounds for divorce, but it is something you should be aware of. Either way, he has an obligation to make you feel like a worthwhile human being, if nothing else.
Did you consider hiring an investigator to traack him? Make sure there is a good reason for him coming home late-otherwise it explains why he is no longer attaracted to you.
Does he have friends? What kind of people are they? Can they talk to him if necessary? What are his parents like? Does he have a rosh yeshiva that he feels close with?
My personal opinion is that if he can learn to be kind to you, the rest can be worked out with time. Otherwise, there is nothing to work with, and the more time you wait, the harder it is and the more complicated it gets to extricate yourself from this mess and move on with your life, and meanwhile the mess only gets bigger. You have to believe in yourself and your abilities to overcome all the odds. Even if you choose to stay, it needs to be from a position of strength and not out of desperation, Your husband will sense your strength and will respect it. He will also sense if you are weak and will take advantage of it. You must believe in yourself and feel confident. If you stay, it is because you choose to stay, not because you can’t make it on your own.
Please confide in your family and get a second opinion from another rov because something just doesn’t add up here. I feel for you and wish you lots of siyatta dishmaya.July 21, 2011 7:44 am at 7:44 am #788589jmj613Participant
It seems somethings going on that you also dont know besides his tfillin benching issues. Someone doesnt just stop putting on tfilin like this. its something that doesnt take too long and anyone knows how important it is to put on tfillin. but i think that getting divorced with kids especially a kid with special issues when the father is taking care of that should be mamesh the last thing to do. Something needs to wake him up. to shake him to the core. one thing that i dont understand is that he didnt wanna participate in the counsling which sounds like he thinks that he is 100%ok. there are things, especially in such a situation, where husbands(or wifes)issues is something the other spouse has no influence on but here it seems youre talking to a wall that hurts you. Sad!
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