by the way, on the subject of problems…ill tell you what problems i had…just because it ties into the part where she emotionally distances herself from her mother.
i waited too long before i severed all ties, and the way i did it was to stop talking to her. i have not spoken to my mother, not a single word, in 3 years. your friend though probably would have a problem with that. my parents divorced when i was born and ive been living with my grandparents (now only my grandmother) and my mother. so my mother was never an essential part of my life because i could always and often did have to rely on my grandmother, both emotionally and financially. your friend probably doesnt have that luxury. she probably depends on her mother for all of her material needs.
when i did it (and this is a problem she will have to watch for. it should not preclude her from distancing herself from her mother, but she will need to monitor herself. i would suggest that she sees a therapist every so often.) it took a huge amount of…idk how to phrase it…emotional energy? to close that connection to my mother. for a year afterward i was incapable of feeling emotion. everything bounced off me to the point where i had to stop myself from ever telling someone that ploni had died because i would smile after i said it. (i was smiling because i felt good about being able to deliver news that someone didnt know…not because i was happy that the person was dead.) only last year did i regain my ability to feel proper emotions, but even now theyre a little…lacking. now i feel…but sometimes the wrong emotion. so she will have to be careful about that.
as for the how? well, i think ive established that cutting off all communication is out of the question, so i would suggest that she either be as busy as she can, or appear as busy as she can. that way she has no time to have any heart to hearts with her mother…no time to chat…no time to talk…her material needs will be provided for, but the emotional exchanges will be avoided. they will naturally grow apart eventually.
as for my friends. they took it all in stride 😛 i was kinda surprised. one day i just dumped the whole mess on them and they just took it in stride 🙂 i dont know how strong your friend is, how much she can take before she feels angry…and if she does feel angry would she show it. (that bit is important because if she never expresses anger you could be doing damage and she would never react) so. assuming she can handle pretty much anything you say, be as candid as you an be about whatever is on your mind. dont dance around the issue when youre talking to her. doing so only reinforces the problem. if she sees you feeling awkward while discussing her situation, the situation grows bigger in her mind. by being open and candid and not mincing words you minimize the problem and help her make decisions.
the only specific advice that my friends gave me was to either go to B”M after HS or college just to get out of the house. i did neither. i got jobs. (not steve…i detest apple ::)) my friends kept bringing the subject up, among others that i didnt want to hear, and sometimes i DID get angry, but im pretty sure they saw that. (which is good…like i said above) so basically, if you feel that something would be beneficial to her situation, keep pushing it. dont be afraid to broach any subject that you feel must be discussed. if she gets angry at you, then back off, but try again later if you feel its important. i would push her to work on her assertiveness because right now it seems that that is the most important tool she could have. she cant keep taking all the trash shes been taking like a sheep.
obtw mods…you can send sister bear my email address…if you want it