It was pretty painful. a month later i was severely depressed for 2 weeks…
Here’s the attitude I adopted. It’s a bit callous, but it is what it is and it works. Basically whatever my mother says is of no consequence at all because I have the upper hand. I’m her son and I took myself away from her. So I see her as a broken shell of a human being whose own son wants nothing to do with her. It’s harsh, but it works. If she views every word that comes out of her mother’s mouth as absolutely inconsequential then she won’t take her mother’s bait. If her mother says something nasty or argumentative, she should just walk away knowing in her heart that she is a better and stronger person than her mother, because she is.
I would suggest that she read this thread. She should know that she’s not the only one who has had such problems. It helps. Show her my Ami article, show her this thread…it helps.
Good job on being candid 🙂
As for going over to her house, don’t feel bad about that. She doesn’t want you over at her house, because she herself doesn’t want to be at her house. Why would she want to be there if she can be at your house? My friends stopped coming over a long time ago and I’m fine with that. I would much rather be at their houses and so would they 🙂
You were right to tell her not to return the stuff herself. There is never any reason to apologize for buying necessities, and like you said, if her mother doesn’t like it she can return the stuff herself.
Her mother has no right over he stuff. Not her license, not her sheets, not her books, nothing. My mother was and still is the same way. She used to say “I bought it for you, I an take it when I want.” Which, if you think about it, is a dangerous way of thinking because it sounds like “I gave you life, I can take it away.” Your friend should understand if she does not already that what was given is her’s and NOT her mother’s. Once something is given it cannot be taken back. If i give my friend $50 for his wedding, I have no right to later ask for it back.
My mother used to steal the books I got from the library, read them, and damage them. I ended up owing the library $500 because of her. She used to take my medicine too. I’m allergic to mosquito bites, so I NEED Benadryl. She used to take my Benadryl. So I bugged my grandmother to buy me a safe. I kept all my stuff in that safe. Problem solved.
“Do you think that her line of thinking is correct? That if she listens and does everything her mother says her life will be better?”
LOL no. Would you say the same about cancer? “If I just let it have a few cells it may just be so grateful it’ll go away without chemo.”
Absolutely not! First of all because her mother has no right to abuse her. No human being has the right to abuse another. Any kind of abuse, even for a second is wrong, and should be fought against. Your friend is a human being! Would she volunteer for a month of abuse if it were her choice? Would she do it for a million dollars? No. There is no reason for her to take any abuse. EVER. I used to think like that, and it got me nowhere. If she does that, her mother will just get more and more abusive. Right now I would imagine her mother feels pretty powerful. The most important thing is to shatter that image of power. Her mother needs to be brought down from her high horse, so to speak.
Regardless, it is never a good idea to bend over and take abuse like a dog. She should not get used to taking abuse. No. She should fight back against it even if she only has a day left. It benefits her in two ways:
1) That she doesn’t get abused…that’s always a good thing.
2) She works on her assertiveness and realizes that she is a human being, and that no human being should ever be treated the way she is being treated.
It’s good practice for the future. So no. She should NOT just lay low and take it. I’m not saying that she should look for provocation, but if her mother gets abusive she should either walk away…let her mother go and have a nice life…or if she is not ready to walk out of her mother’s life yet she should tell her mother as assertively as possible that her mother is being abusive and that the way she treats her is disgusting and not befitting a cockroach, let alone a human being, and walk away. No crying, no storming away in a huff, just say that in a matter of fact and assertive strong voice and walk away.
Personally I think that walking away while not saying a word is a better option, but that’s only going to work if your friend is truly ready to break from her mother. Her mother’s words need to have absolutely no effect on her before she is emotionally ready to walk away from abuse. Otherwise she will hear it anyway, absorb it, but never express her anger, and compartmentalize it. That;s damaging. Like I said above, for her to be able to take her mother’s garbage in silence, she needs to truly understand and believe that she is a better person and on a higher plane than her mother. She needs to think of it as a homeless drunk on the street shouting insults at her.
Just to give you an idea…my mother will not attend my wedding. She will not know when I am dating. She will not be there for the birth of my children. She will not be there when they get married. I will not say kaddish or sit shiva for her when she dies. She is dead to me.
I’m not saying that your friend has to take it that far…and I’m not going to advocate that. But the break needs to be clean and final. No looking back. No regrets. At whatever level she decides to break, it needs to be final.
One other thing. She says she hates her mother. Hate is an emotion. That emotion ties her to her mother. It needs to go beyond that if she wants to break from her mother. It needs to go beyond hate. I would suggest indifference.