“Everyone says I’m “strong”-what in the world does that mean? Physically I don’t have a choice and I’m still here. BUT, if it was my choice I would’ve been dead. Just trying to come up with a painfree way of killing myself-any ideas? 🙁 I just CAN’T start school-the social scene, the academics! HELP! I only want to die!”
as youve probably realized by now if youve been following the CR for teh past 3 months that youre not the only one with a messed up life. ive had problems, middlepath has problems, happiest has problems, a bunch of other people who i cant remember have issues…we all know what its like to have difficult lives and i an tell you thatyou havent given up on yourself yet even though you may have tried suicide before, from what i see based on your posts i can pretty much say for crtain that you havent given up. what you lack…is the help you need. the very fact that youre posting about your problem indicates 2 things
1) that you really want help
2) that you havent yet found the help you need.
you posted above about not wanting to fill your teachers in because it might shter a shidduch. im about to be blunt. teh way you are now will shter your shidduchim. dont kid yourself. you cannot get married as you are now, with all your issues, whatever they may be. before you can even begin to worry about shidduchimn you need to get yourself sorted out and you cant do that if you shut yourself off for fear of stigma. social stigma is irrelevant. teh peopel who adhere to those stigmas should be to you as the dust on teh bottom of your shoes. they are disgusting ignorant backwards idiots who are not worth ruining your life over. know that, understand that, and internalize it and youre on your way.
next you need to find someone who you trust absolutely with everything. someone outside your family and general structure of authority, either a close friend or a therapist or something like that and talk to them. tell them everything. whatevers on your mind…fears…hopes…dreams…dreams…everything. you need to have one person who you feel comfortable telling anything and everything to and who needs to want to hear it. dont force yourself on this person, the interest needs to be mutual. but yeah… everyone needs an outlet and while the internet is a good start, it wont help you in real life because the internet itself is a smokescreen behind which you hide yourself. in order to help your real world self you need to get some real world help.
you are not defined as a sum of your problems. you need to understand that and internalize it. YOU are not “an anorexic” YOU are not “a unipolar depressive” you are a person. a tzelem elokim. you are a person with a neshama and all the kochos of any other person who happens to be challeneged by a specific set of nisyonos. your problems are not you. they do not define you. they are like a coat which you can take off whenever you like.
another thing you must understand and internalize is that, like i said above, you are not the only person with problems. now think opf someone whose problems you find overwhelming. picture in your mind one person who has problems that to you seem insurmountable and has risen past all of it. once you have a clear image in your mind of such a person, remind yourself as many times as you need to that a person is NEVER given a nisayon with they are incapable of overcoming, and that one person;s nisayon is not the same as another’s you are challenged with your problems, but that person who you have in your mind seems to have a nisayon which to you seems insurmountable, but they were able to overcome because a person is never given a nisayon which they are incapable of overcoming. you need to truly understand and believe that.
id imagine that youre seeing or have seen a psychiatrist and have been prescribed some kind of regimen. stick to it. seriously…i dont know what causes your cycles becuase you havent posted that yet so i cant explain why they happen, but what i CAN say is that if your doctors prescribe you a medicinal regimen…stick to it. dont skip days…dont pick and choose…do what they say. if you feel that its causing you more harm than good, dont stop…keep taking it and talk to your doctors as soon as you can.
if you feel yourself sinking into a deep depression, or feeling suicidal, or any of that stuff…call someone. anyone. anyone you know. even on shabbos…(im not a rav so i cant give a definitive psak but from what i understand it is sakanas nefashos. go ask a rov) and talk to them about anything. just talk…could be about your problems or it could be about the weather…just keep talking until you feel it pass.
i remember when i was incapable of talking about my problems IRL and one of the biggest reasons was because i felt that vulnerability would only worsen my situation. i was wrong. once i opened up my life got a lot better.
i am of teh belief that a person CANNOT live life without there being one single event that makes every struggle worthg it. all teh heartache, all teh sadness, anger…everything. there is always something in every persons life that would make everything worth it. find those points in your life and focus on them. what i did was make a blog where i can post all this stuff even if no one ever sees it. sit down in front of a computer and just write it all out. every good moment in your life that makes it all worth it, print it and keep it near you and when you feel you need something to keep you going, read it. trust me youll smile 🙂
find a personal outlet for your emotions. music…art…building…whatever. for me its writing. i have counhtless articles sitting on my hard drive that i never show to anyone but i still write them because once im done i feel such a cathartic relief. i sit down in front of my computer and just start typing and i just keep typing till i cant type anymore and when im done i lay back in my bed…completely drained and exhausted, but also relieved, because it feels good to have a personal outlet to release pent up emotion.
know why people call you strong? (getting back to what i was saying earlier about finding someone whose nisonos seem insurmountable to you) teh reason why you seem so stron to others even though you dont really feel it is because to them…you are the prson who is faced with such massive obstacles and is overcoming them. you are the person they hold in their minds eye when they need inspiration. you are the person who stands as their rock when they feel that they are losing hope. they look to you and see you still here, still fighting, still surviving and they draw strength from your fortitude. your kochos are greater than you can ever imagine and so many people now can draw from that and help themselves. you are a great and tremendous influence on people who have your problems or any other problems who are reading this.
i dont know if youve read my threads, or sister bears where she was discussing her friend, or middlepath’s thread, ESPECIALLY middlepath;s thread. look at how many people have come forward and told their stories and asked advice. its because they felt that they were alone until one person came forward, shared his or her story and let them all know that they are NOT alone, and they are NOT weird becuase they suffer from XY and Z, that society can go take a long walk off a short pier because they no longer need society’s approval. that they have friends and peers who suffer along with them, and bear their burdens and can help and support them. you have now joined our ranks. welcome and congratulations. b’ezras hashem you WILL be able to help yourself and many many others overcome all of your nisyonos.