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I’m your future student and perhaps your student from last year or another. I want you to know something I haven’t shared with you. You asked me each and every test why I failed, you asked where my homework was and what I was thinking by not making up my missed work. You just didn’t know where I spent my night before. You probably thought I was by friends’ houses having the time of my life. NOPE, you’re so wrong. I spent my night in the psychiatric ward after attempting suicide, or I spent my night begging and pleading fro my meds to overdose on. I’ve been through so much, teacher. Please have some mercy! I appear in school, struggling to focus and learn. Yet my mind wanders to my pain and insecurities. My thoughts swirl until my mind goes blank. I can’t focus on your math or chumash because my mind is filled with emotions and my heart races. My eyes well with tears that I struggle to contain as I recieve my last failed test. I couldn’t do any better. Yes, you’re way older than me, I know. Yet it seems you haven’t suffered in your life. You seem like a happy married woman. You’re so insensitive sometimes. I’m begging you, open your eyes. I’m young yet so old. I’ve been through nightmares and nightmares and time after time, only the shell of me remains. I’m no longer a person. I’m a ruined soul. Yes teacher, I have an anorexia, depression, anxiety, and ocd. No, I didn’t choose to have it and its NOT in my control. Think carefully before you attack your poor students. And fellow classmates, this is for you too. As school approaches, I tremble in fear of what this year will bring. How will the teachers and students act? I wonder…I fear…
Sincerely, your student
to be fair a teacher has no reason to asume that…but wow…how are you doing now? what was the backstory (if you feel comfortable sharing) wassup?
I can not imagine what you face every day and I have nothing to say to try to make it better so I will simply give you a bracha that Hashem bentch you with the Menuchas Hanefesh to face every day and the knowledge that you can get through it.
Hatzlacha with everything (and everything with school)
Wow. I know Exactly how you feel.
I am right with blabla on this.
Teachers may not know what is going on, but if they would begin by respecting all the students it wouldn’t come to this.
They shouldn’t be screaming at anyone- it is assur, and highly ineffective anyway.
Blabla is precisely correct. Teachers “should assume though, that every person has challenges and they cannot judge.” Of course they must try to maintain order and have students complete assignments, but if they would understand that with every student they really have no idea what is going on, blabla would not have had this experience.
I recently heard a story on a tape where a school in Israel had decided to expel a student, and went to, I believe, the Chazon Ish to get permission. (Or another gadol of similar stature.) The gadol asked them what the family life of the boy was. When the school administration responded that they didn’t know, he yelled “rotzchim, get out of my house.” (In yiddish of course.)
Why is the teacher not informed before the school year by the family that the student has certain issues. It is somewhat disingenuous to expect the teacher to assume that a student has serious issues that require intervention when the student/ student’s family does not let the teacher/ school know.
How can you expect a teacher, from day one, to be prepared with an appropriate approach for this student?
blabla
It would make a HUGE difference to a teacher to know the background, if you can.
Sometimes students need to feel that they are not the only one suffering:
this may be hard for you to believe, but I can guarantee that you are not the only student in your school carrying a heavy load, unfortunately. If the teacher(s) has/have the heads up, it makes it that much easier. And the teacher can support you in your struggle.
Teachers can be smart, but they are not mindreaders nor do they have supernatural powers to understand without being told what’s going on. And you don’t need to tell the whole background, a little would probably suffice so that they can get the picture.
Do you think you are up to it?
Btw, we in the CR are ALL rooting for you and supporting you!
PBA,
wow that drives the point home
coffee:
It is a favorite story of mine.
I don’t know why, but I never saw that quote in the weekly parsha sheet, even though it is yiddish.
I’ll try and track down the story and find the name and exact details.
blaba, I can’t even imagine how much you’ve been suffering. It must be so difficult with no one in school knowing what your’e going through. I think ayc has a good point. Do you think it would be possible for you to fill your teacher in on some details just so she knows not to blame you or pick on you? Even a little talk may help a lot. Wishing you all the best, health, and happiness this school year!
blabla
You can tell a Homeroom teacher or grade mechaneches just that there are issues, and she’ll take care of letting the other teachers know.
Does that sound doable?
Could you do it without getting into details? Is there one teacher who you feel more comfortable with that could just explain to a few others that schoolwork is not the primary focus for right now without mentioning why?
Even if only one knows, that makes it one less.
(I’m not trying to push you into doing something you feel uncomfortable doing, just want you to keep an open mind.)
How about they just be somewhat sensitive?!
Totally true but not gonna happen. (Speaking about most teachers, not all)
blaba, you’re right, they should be more sensitive..But it really would help them BECOME more sensitive if they knew even a little of what you are going through. When I was in High School, I had a teacher go around the room asking everyone what their father does and going into detail about him. When it came my turn, I quickly left the room and didn’t return for a while. (If your’e confused about this, read the “life as the son of a child molester” thread). I was angry at my teacher for being so insensitive. But really, how can I blame him? He didn’t know what my father was. After I told him privately, he was much more careful about what he said.
And try not to worry about shidduchim. I used to worry about it, because I thought I would never get a shidduch, but if you are the best person you can be, and realize that you have the potential to rise above and become greater from these challenges, you’ll have no problem with a shidduch, and life itself will be much better overall. I know it’s easy for me to say this, since I’m not in your shoes, but perhaps this can help a little.
Teachers are just too cruel 🙁
In (slight) defense of teachers, I don’t think they mean to be cruel, they are tired and fed up of dealing with huge classes that won’t keep quiet and not being paid on time. They’re trying to deal with the class so thinking about a students life outside of school is the farthest thing from their mind. (Not that it really helps you 🙁 Not excusing, just explaining. But thats for another thread.)
(Again, if you feel comfortable, there are some great teachers -and amazing people- but you need to find ’em.)
blabla
Please understand that your perception of the cruelty can be biased by the fact that you are suffering so much. It is likely that they are treating you like they treat everyone yet due to your condition you need to be treated differently. It is very likely that if the teachers had an idea what was going on they would treat you much differently.
PBA that story was with Rav Shach Ztza”l.
i think that this applies to every person…. no one should assume anything or judge a person cuz you have no idea whats really going on… but this is especially true to all teachers!!!!
wow what a story! hatzlacha with everything!!!
Yes, deiyezooger. That sounds better.
Where did you hear the story? I heard it on an audio lecture from Dr. Bentzion Sorotzkin, but I can’t remember which one.
Dear Blabla
Just to give you a little chizzuk…
Remembering my childhood brings tears to my eye. While typing i am actually crying!
I was the neb of the class never had a friend. My confidence was below zero. When teachers asked questions in class even i knew the answer it just couldnt come through my teeth, and how teachers would publicly say something like “next time participate” and that would knock my self esteem even more. Oh how I remember I broke my hand once we had a test the teacher tested me orally since i couldnt write and not a single answer could come out of my throat and loudly she says just bec u hurt ur hand doesnt mean u cant know anything! With time i gave up studying and made teachers even more upset.
To make matters worse at home things weren’t better infact it was worse! I even had girls tease me in school about my father. When i came home from school I used to run to the storage room in the basement lock myself in and cry away!!
But then one day I decided thats enough, its not what I am! its WHO I am! and so I started slowly building my self esteem! Nothing happens overnight but i worked real hard!
But everything is controlled from above and the wheel of fortune turns to everyone at some point.
I graduate and did a wonderful shidduch from a great family! the boy was a little older (all of 22 but by the chassidim its considered old) now married a few years I have 2 adorable children a great husband who has b”h suceeded in business while taking time from his day to learn. I got all I want thank hashem! (dont worry no ones life is perfect) and my confidence my classmates r shocked each time I meet them! once I learned how to open my mouth I forgot to close it. 😉
just to prove my point a little more I was in the country these past 2 years and b”h geloibt der ebishter im the one evryone runs after!!
I hope the wheel of fortune will turn ur way very soon!
Dont give up there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
“You can tell a Homeroom teacher or grade mechaneches just that there are issues, and she’ll take care of letting the other teachers know.
Does that sound doable? “
When teachers will stop acting like drill sargents in boothcamp, and start respecting each student for there own strengths and weaknesses it will be doable, until then many kids will continue to suffer for not fitting the exect mold of the schools cookie shape.
blabla, in this week’s Mishpacha, there was a letter to a teacher similar but not quite, about how a child was dreading the first day of school each year when the teacher always asked them to write about their summer vacation. Since her family could NOT afford to send her to camp or take a summer vacation she was always embarrassed to write her composition and it always made her dread school. She asked the teacher to please realize that NOT everyone is lucky enough to enjoy summer vacations and to please stop giving that foolish assignment.
Blabla, it is time that the administrations taught teachers to be more sensitive. In these difficult times there are many issues that children go through. There are many issues due to the economy, there are a lot of illness in the home as well as shalom bayis issues, and emotional problems. There are financial issues that cause many arguments and problems. Everyone is very stressed out and no one knows the reasons why some kids are just not doing well. Teachers need to be sensitive and realize that there could be a variety of issues going on with any number of students. If a student is NOT doing well the first thing a teacher should do is ask how they can help the student and NOT put the student down in any way, shape or form. They should ask if the student understood the assignment, if they understood the work, if there is something going on that the child could not concentrate on the assignment. Is there something the child wants or needs to explain.
Blabla, you do NOT have to explain what your issue is, but you can tell the guidance counselor that you were in the ER last night until whatever time it was and that is why you didn’t do well on the assignment and that the fact that you were in the ER is confidential. The GC can send a note to the teacher to allow you to redo the assignment. It probably is best to work with the GC anyway than try to handle the teachers on your own. The GC can say that you are working on an issue that is effecting you but are making tremendous progress so it is not going to effect you in the future. That she is not very concerned about it but it is confidential and she can’t talk about it. I am sure that you and the GC can figure something out.
PBA, I cant remember who said that speach in the tape I heard but it was definitly in yiddish so it was probebly not Dr. Sorotzkin.
It must be so painful to be going through all that. B”H I can’t say I understand you, but I can wish you that Hashem should give you the strength to overcome all your challenges. Though I do have to speak up in defense of your teachers, that a very MINUTE percentage (if any) of teachers want to be cruel. They simply have no clue and MUST be informed that something is going on. This?way, they’ll know to be more sensitive and to overlook certain behaviors/absences/incomplete assignments, etc… (In other words, please don’t judge the teachers either.) Moreover, you may just be surprised to discover in one or more of them a very compassionate heart and listening ear. Also, don’t worry about a shidduch. If you’re so afraid that others will find out – think about it – Is this something you’ll want (or be able) to hide from your prospective spouse iy”H? NO! He’ll have to find out ANYWAY! So why exert all this energy and give up on your menuchas hanefesh and possibly avoid getting proper help to keep it a secret? Please share it with those who need to know and are able to help you. It’ll be a load off your shoulders. Hatzlacha Rabba!
Talking about this weeks Mishpacha, The editorial was about parents who push their kids into high level yeshivos even if they are not cut out for it so that the family has a good name. I think the same problem is with the schools who push for a high level curriculum wich is fine but then expect everybody to achive top marks.
blabla:
I don’t know anyone who would have the energy to face your world.
You are incredibly strong to face it in your way, to whatever extent you can. You don’t need to win every time, Hashem only expects us to try. And obviously those for whom it is harder don’t have to accomplish as much- since their “smaller” accomplishments are really much larger.
blabla,
You should know that we care about you. Yes i know that it’s abstract and anonymous here in the CR, but we care about you. It seems to me that you really need to talk, but you want your anonymity. Maybe you can set up a gmail account and a google voice account. That way you can set up a free anon phone number that you could use to speak with people. You can choose a number from a different area code to ensure your anonymity. My number, for example is from downtown LA.
Everyone says I’m “strong”-what in the world does that mean?
I don’t know about anyone else. I say it because I see the parts of your life you have described for us, and see you still alive and living and generally going on. I call that strong.
It doesn’t mean you can’t ever feel like you want to give up, or actually just decide to give up for a while. That is a perfectly normal response to the situation you are in. I call you strong because after that, you have shouldered on so many times.
It doesn’t mean now you are strong so you have to be able to handle everything. Whatever you can’t handle is fine- that is normal.
Seriously, if you can’t go to school, I don’t blame you. Is there another option? All options should be on the table here. Who can you discuss these options with?
“Everyone says I’m “strong”-what in the world does that mean? Physically I don’t have a choice and I’m still here. BUT, if it was my choice I would’ve been dead. Just trying to come up with a painfree way of killing myself-any ideas? 🙁 I just CAN’T start school-the social scene, the academics! HELP! I only want to die!”
as youve probably realized by now if youve been following the CR for teh past 3 months that youre not the only one with a messed up life. ive had problems, middlepath has problems, happiest has problems, a bunch of other people who i cant remember have issues…we all know what its like to have difficult lives and i an tell you thatyou havent given up on yourself yet even though you may have tried suicide before, from what i see based on your posts i can pretty much say for crtain that you havent given up. what you lack…is the help you need. the very fact that youre posting about your problem indicates 2 things
1) that you really want help
2) that you havent yet found the help you need.
you posted above about not wanting to fill your teachers in because it might shter a shidduch. im about to be blunt. teh way you are now will shter your shidduchim. dont kid yourself. you cannot get married as you are now, with all your issues, whatever they may be. before you can even begin to worry about shidduchimn you need to get yourself sorted out and you cant do that if you shut yourself off for fear of stigma. social stigma is irrelevant. teh peopel who adhere to those stigmas should be to you as the dust on teh bottom of your shoes. they are disgusting ignorant backwards idiots who are not worth ruining your life over. know that, understand that, and internalize it and youre on your way.
next you need to find someone who you trust absolutely with everything. someone outside your family and general structure of authority, either a close friend or a therapist or something like that and talk to them. tell them everything. whatevers on your mind…fears…hopes…dreams…dreams…everything. you need to have one person who you feel comfortable telling anything and everything to and who needs to want to hear it. dont force yourself on this person, the interest needs to be mutual. but yeah… everyone needs an outlet and while the internet is a good start, it wont help you in real life because the internet itself is a smokescreen behind which you hide yourself. in order to help your real world self you need to get some real world help.
you are not defined as a sum of your problems. you need to understand that and internalize it. YOU are not “an anorexic” YOU are not “a unipolar depressive” you are a person. a tzelem elokim. you are a person with a neshama and all the kochos of any other person who happens to be challeneged by a specific set of nisyonos. your problems are not you. they do not define you. they are like a coat which you can take off whenever you like.
another thing you must understand and internalize is that, like i said above, you are not the only person with problems. now think opf someone whose problems you find overwhelming. picture in your mind one person who has problems that to you seem insurmountable and has risen past all of it. once you have a clear image in your mind of such a person, remind yourself as many times as you need to that a person is NEVER given a nisayon with they are incapable of overcoming, and that one person;s nisayon is not the same as another’s you are challenged with your problems, but that person who you have in your mind seems to have a nisayon which to you seems insurmountable, but they were able to overcome because a person is never given a nisayon which they are incapable of overcoming. you need to truly understand and believe that.
id imagine that youre seeing or have seen a psychiatrist and have been prescribed some kind of regimen. stick to it. seriously…i dont know what causes your cycles becuase you havent posted that yet so i cant explain why they happen, but what i CAN say is that if your doctors prescribe you a medicinal regimen…stick to it. dont skip days…dont pick and choose…do what they say. if you feel that its causing you more harm than good, dont stop…keep taking it and talk to your doctors as soon as you can.
if you feel yourself sinking into a deep depression, or feeling suicidal, or any of that stuff…call someone. anyone. anyone you know. even on shabbos…(im not a rav so i cant give a definitive psak but from what i understand it is sakanas nefashos. go ask a rov) and talk to them about anything. just talk…could be about your problems or it could be about the weather…just keep talking until you feel it pass.
i remember when i was incapable of talking about my problems IRL and one of the biggest reasons was because i felt that vulnerability would only worsen my situation. i was wrong. once i opened up my life got a lot better.
i am of teh belief that a person CANNOT live life without there being one single event that makes every struggle worthg it. all teh heartache, all teh sadness, anger…everything. there is always something in every persons life that would make everything worth it. find those points in your life and focus on them. what i did was make a blog where i can post all this stuff even if no one ever sees it. sit down in front of a computer and just write it all out. every good moment in your life that makes it all worth it, print it and keep it near you and when you feel you need something to keep you going, read it. trust me youll smile 🙂
find a personal outlet for your emotions. music…art…building…whatever. for me its writing. i have counhtless articles sitting on my hard drive that i never show to anyone but i still write them because once im done i feel such a cathartic relief. i sit down in front of my computer and just start typing and i just keep typing till i cant type anymore and when im done i lay back in my bed…completely drained and exhausted, but also relieved, because it feels good to have a personal outlet to release pent up emotion.
know why people call you strong? (getting back to what i was saying earlier about finding someone whose nisonos seem insurmountable to you) teh reason why you seem so stron to others even though you dont really feel it is because to them…you are the prson who is faced with such massive obstacles and is overcoming them. you are the person they hold in their minds eye when they need inspiration. you are the person who stands as their rock when they feel that they are losing hope. they look to you and see you still here, still fighting, still surviving and they draw strength from your fortitude. your kochos are greater than you can ever imagine and so many people now can draw from that and help themselves. you are a great and tremendous influence on people who have your problems or any other problems who are reading this.
i dont know if youve read my threads, or sister bears where she was discussing her friend, or middlepath’s thread, ESPECIALLY middlepath;s thread. look at how many people have come forward and told their stories and asked advice. its because they felt that they were alone until one person came forward, shared his or her story and let them all know that they are NOT alone, and they are NOT weird becuase they suffer from XY and Z, that society can go take a long walk off a short pier because they no longer need society’s approval. that they have friends and peers who suffer along with them, and bear their burdens and can help and support them. you have now joined our ranks. welcome and congratulations. b’ezras hashem you WILL be able to help yourself and many many others overcome all of your nisyonos.
Let’s all give a standing ovation for the CF where people could vent without identifying themselves and yet open the eyes for people who sometimes choose to close their eyes and ears to reality of what is happening.
While purchasing some school supplies yesterday i came home disappointed. There in the store were young teachers excited to purchase items to beautify their classrooms but were bumping into people and nothing in terms of “middos” visible. These young girls who couldn’t even say a simple “excuse me” or “please” will be educating our children. They may end up with a new “yisomah” or a child of recently divorced parents and we expect them to know how to deal with such. In my head i could see them going down the throat of these kids who may not be doing their homework or not get a 100% on such as a spelling test….so what are we to do? Perhaps getting the PTA involved in such as making schools aware of when there are family issues and the family is afraid to say something and hope the issues will just disappear!?!?!?!?
Mr Futerfas z”l an old Lubavitcher Chossid who lived in London told of the time when he broke the ice in a river to toivel himself. (He was living in Siberia and had been sentenced to hard labour) He came out of the river to find his clothes had been stolen. He began to dance and sing! – he realised his life can’t get any worse. It must be a start to an “up” and easier life.blabla – You are suffering but you are amazing that despite feeling so low you are carrying on. Life will not always look so black. Hashem should give you koach, and the right sort of help to overcome your difficulties. Remeber Hashem loves you – we all love you. Hatzlocho
PBA? ????? ???? ????? ??? ????? ??????? ??????? ??? ??? ????? ?? ?????? ????????
someone approve my pending post…?
bomb, wow! That was so powerful and I’m taking every word you said to heart even though it was written to blabla. And behappy- love that story!!!
blabla
Oh my God. It hurts so much to read your post; I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like to live it. I daven from the very bottom of my heart that you should find the proper help very very soon and have a complete Refuah Sheleima.
Please, please, please do not give up on yourself! Anyone who struggles with Anorexia, Anxiety or Depression knows that there are better days and worse days. I hope today is a better day for you.
I’m also wondering if maybe school is not the best option for you right now. It’s horrible that you spend so much time in a place where you are so misunderstood and mistreated. (I’m not sure how old you are, so I don’t know how practical this suggestion is.)
I will be davening you for you, so please let us know how things work out in school and otherwise.
good jew: ??????? ??????? ?? ????!
“????? ???? ????? ??? ????? ??????? ??????? ??? ??? ????? ?? ?????? ???????? “
good.jew- what did you write? Is that Arabic?
good.jew is a mossad agent and speaks and writes arabic fluently.
Thanks Popa. I see you know Arabic too! Cool.
So, whats the secret? 😉
lol i should start charging royalties for these posts…”unless taken to heart by specified user, the fee per word is 10$” :D:D:D loljk enjoy 😛 its not like i have anything better to do at 5 AM (which is when i submitted that post 😀 😀 😀 )
blabla, you are going through your own nisayon right now, but you are not alone. And I am not talking about all the other people who carry their own burdens. Hashem is always by your side so please try to draw some strength from him. Even at the worst of times. Please also understand that Respect works two ways. Yes you have to respect your teachers, but you are also Hashem’s child and they have to respect you as well. So at the first sign of a teacher opening her mouth to you in front of the class please try to find your inner strength to say. “if you have something to say to me, Please do so in private” or “since you have no understanding of my circumstance I will be mochel you for yelling at me” that should get their attention and stop them at the very first instance. It will teach them a lesson they will never forget. If they afterward apologize and ask you what happened, you can say that “under the circumstances you obviously have a lack of trust in teachers and can’t share, but you will try to share with the guidance counselor, just know that it is not because of a lack of knowledge, ability or caring that sometimes my participation is lacking.”
Blabla
Allow me to recommend a fantastic book. The book is called Real Power by Dr. David Lieberman PH.D Its a fantastic book that will really help you grow and get past many of your problems. I have read it and I can say it did a lot for me.
You can probably find it in Eichlers or other Judaica stores. Take a look at the book before you buy it I think you will like it very much.
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