Allow me to clarify.
Especisally the G’mora Kiddushin issue.
I am addressing the issue of dating without a shadchan, and not at all the issue of the bar scene. I amm talking about if a specific person is on your radar, do you need to find a ‘shadchan’ or can you go on a formal date without a shadchan. (not just hanging out)
So here is the g’mora.
The issue is as follows, there are 3 formal ways of kedushin
a) Giving money/value/ring. (all the same)
b) Giving a document written; im taking you for a wife. (no money or ring).
3) Doing what married people do, and verbally stating; “with this act we are married”.
In regards to the 3rd method, the g’mora states that if done without a shadchan or some other formality, (i dont recall if ‘T’noim’ are needed,) then Rav gave malkus because it is not appropriate.
And thats the end of the story.