im puzzled…….. what on earth is wrong with casual (NOT strained) shmoozing with your daughters potential date for a few minutes? although my own children are not yet of marriagable age, i remember my own dating experiences quite well, and many of these meetings were awkward and strained. if you do not have the skill to have such a “pre-shidduch” conversation without a show of buffoonery (most people, sadly, fall in this category) then by all means, have your daughter ready asap (within reason, i read 80’s comments) and end the travesty quickly.
however it IS tragic that you should not have a chance to interview the gentleman who will be spending an evening with your daughter (as a marriage prospect, no less) for a few minutes. i remember those few parents who mastered the “art” of shmoozing (and an art it is). we had very pleasant conversation for a little bit, and then i went on my way. indeed i remember one shidduch (not my wife) where i was warned beforehand by the shadchan, that the father of the girl, of european descent, had the “minhag” to talk to the boy for a while before letting the girl leave the house with him, and i shouldn’t bring it up again on the date because “the girl was sensitive about it”. indeed i spoke to the parents for 20-30 minutes before being let out of the house. i recall the conversation as being pleasant and not forced in the least.
(now although im advocating 20 minutes) i was so impressed by those parents behavior. (bad grammar i know.) i think sometimes people lose sight of an important thing – this isn’t some romantic novel where your daughter and her shidduch date are the protagonists and the parents are support characters who cheer (or boo) from the sidelines. THIS IS JUDAISM. where dating is an amalgam of research, focused interviews solely for the purpose of determining marriage prospects, and objectivity for as long as possible. (thats why you do as much background checking as possible BEFORE you go out, because once you like a guy, it will be harder to dispassionately analyze data)
IN ADDITION a LARGE portion of the responsibility to assure a proper shidduch is made rests on the parents. YOU are responsible for making sure your daughter marries a mentsch. sounds archaic? don’t worry; so is no electricity for 24 hours out of every seven-day period. the idea that parents should just do some checking and then smilingly propel their daughter out the door into the arms of some guy who they hardly know is bizzarre, and a construct of a society where people are more worried about creating 5 minutes of discomfort than what might actually be the right thing to do.
i dunno. maybe im way off, but i think you should take the time to get to know this guy, at least in a rudimentary way, before allowing him to spend time privately with your daughter. i geuss i am old fashioned that way.
(my father who is from a different generation (i am his youngest son) often tells me stories about how when he went out, most of the first date was spent with the parents of the girl, with many parents not even letting you leave the house on a first date. it slowly tapered off until before each date, you had a lil meet n greet like we have now before the first date. i asked my father if those meetings were awkward. he said “sometimes. but so what?” as in, therefore they should be done away with? well you can’t roll back the clock (your daughter would never get married) but i think they were doing it right back then, and 5-10 minutes of a prospective chossons time to get a sense of who he is is important, and shouldn’t be so easily discarded because it might GOD FORBID cause a few moments of awkwardness. i would hazard to say that if those small moments cause him not to marry your daughter, then it wasnt bashert.)
well thats all.
haha spoke too much.