shidduch dating, advice needed

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  • #599355

    Imaofthree
    Participant

    Imaofthree has girls that are in the parsha! I always feel bad for the young men that come to my house and have to sit down with us before they meet my daughter. What can I offer the guy besides a drink (they never eat anything I serve) and what can we say or do to make the young man comfortable. thanks! nervous Imaofthree

    #810823

    aries2756
    Participant

    Have your daughters ready when the young man comes to the door. She can wait a minute or two before she joins you and sits down. Talk to them for about 5 minutes and send them on their way.

    #810824

    mak
    Member

    Keep it as short as possible.

    #810825

    apushatayid
    Participant

    I am married b”h over 18 years, perhaps things have changed in that time. If your daughter is ready when the young man shows up, you can introduce them and usher them out after exchanging pleasantries. Always worked for me. The longer I had to sit and nurse a soda and some rugelach and make small talk with the girls parents until she made her grand entrance it was awkward for everyone. As the young man keeps coming back you will be more comfortable with him. May all your daughters find their zivug quickly.

    #810826

    Astrix
    Participant

    they wont eat anything but the food is a good show.Dont ask him so many questions..ask him how he got there..how the drive was…dont ask him which mesechta he is learning..it doesnt matter to u anyway.Ask him about his life and maybe just tell ur daughter to come down the stairs a lil quicker.Peace.

    #810827

    Have your daughters ready when the young man comes to the door

    do you have any daughters of this age? 😉

    #810828

    adorable
    Participant

    80- what do you mean? I personally think girls are never READY ever ever. they can always use more time. but make her come out as soon as the guy comes in!

    #810829

    *make* her come out?

    and before shes ready!?

    adorable are you really a girl?

    #810830

    golden mom
    Member

    the talk should not be more than 5 min..and many do not make a brocha in the house (i heard this dont know if its true) cuz u dont make a brocha/eat till there is a lchaim

    #810831

    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    80 🙂

    #810832

    aries2756
    Participant

    Mod -80, I did. B’H my daughter is now 34 with 4 children. This was my practice AND hers. Be ready, be ready, be ready. Don’t make the guys squirm.

    We sat down at the dining room table for about 5 minutes so I had an idea of whether he was zooming in on her or on the surroundings. I sent them on their way (let him off the hook) after 5 minutes saying “You guys probably want to get going so don’t let us hold you up as I stood up.” Since I stood up, he had to stand up and so we got them out the door.

    Sometimes I went straight up to sleep because I saw right away, this was not the one and even saw the disappointment on my daughter’s face. When my son-in-law walked in I knew he was the one.

    How? He zoomed in on her and never took his eyes off her. He had no clue what room he was in, or that we were even in there. All he cared about was his date. BINGO!

    #810833

    dunno
    Member

    adorable are you really a girl?

    Mod 80, I can tell you, as a girl, that adorable is sure not sounding like one.

    #810834

    Imaofthree
    Participant

    No, my daughter is always ready on time and waiting till we call her down. thanks everyone for the good advice and brochos!

    #810835

    americaisover
    Participant

    very simple talk about what shul he goes to, how was his drive, other non-controversial things.

    #810836

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I was once offered a shot of very fine scotch. I accepted. Then I drank hers also.

    #810837

    adorable
    Participant

    im confused. and yes you know Im a girl!

    #810838

    bpt
    Participant

    “make her come out”

    I see her point. Because left unchased, she could spend another hour in front of the mirror (and another hour+ on the phone with her five BFFs (conference call) to agonize over the pros / cons of which bag matches her shoes best.

    No, best to chase her out the door as soon as he arrives!

    #810839

    happiest
    Member

    I’m a girl and in my house my father goes down to answer the door while I am standing in the living room (all ready!!!) with my mother. Everyone has their “set” place to sit and my parents literally ask how was his drive and that’s it. My mother usually gives me a little ‘flick’ so I know to start making a move to get up… it makes it so much easier for all of us and so much less awkward.

    BTW- I am ALWAYS ready 15 min before. Ready and waiting…

    #810840

    may you find a Choson soon who is equally thoughtful and concerned for others.

    #810841

    bein_hasdorim
    Participant

    All Smiles! A warm Shalom Aleichem from the father and a nice “hello nice to meet you” from the mother.

    I never liked sitting down waiting forever till the girl was ready

    getting all these weird question, not knowing what to expect from the parents.

    If you want to sit the boy down and Shmooze, no problem. Make sure it’s just that. Shmoozing, not an interrogation.

    Just be at ease, making him feel at ease.

    Once when I entered a home, the parents had the body language of two people who just buried someone in their backyard. Needless to say I got a little worried, wasn’t sure what to expect.

    When the father said I have something to show you, follow me, I found myself checking to see If I hadn’t left my cellphone in the car.

    Ask normal questions, calmly, not like an interrogation.

    How was the drive?

    Nice!

    Traffic?

    No B”H

    Found parking?

    Yes! i’m at a pump!

    How’s the parking in your neighborhood as opposed to here?

    Tough, all the pumps are taken where I live.

    “Thats why we live here! lol!

    ******************************

    Where do you daven shabbos?

    in our shul.

    Really? my husband too!

    In our shul? I never saw him?

    No, I mean he davens at our shul.

    It’s a nice minyan, you should come.

    It’s kind of a long walk.

    Oh! Yeah I guess you’re right.

    Rochel Baila Sara!, Rochel Baila Sara!!!!

    She probably can’t hear me. Lemme go call her!

    (upstairs)

    “Is he nice mommy?”

    Well he also davens in his shul, like Tatty davens in our shul.

    He’s wearing a nice colored tie, I like his tie…Maybe I should buy Tatty such a tie.. Can you ask him where he bought his tie?

    Meanwhile….(downstairs)

    She’ll be here in a minute.

    “No problem “

    Her room is a shtickle walk from the dining room.

    I understand.

    (upstairs)

    Ma, I’m not asking him where he bought his tie!

    (downstairs)

    Chaya Miriam Dina!!!

    (upstairs)

    Tatty’s calling! We’d better hurry.

    Coming! otw!

    Mrs shulgoer; Sorry! It’s a Shitckel walk.

    So I’ve heard.

    Bocher; Hi! How are you?

    Girl; “Baruch Hshm!”

    Are you ready?

    Are we ready Tatty?

    Yes were ready?

    Nice meeting you Mr. “Shulgoer”

    You too. Have a nice time Rochel Baila Sara Mindle!

    Mrs. Shulgoer; Drive safely!

    OK!

    Were you see the stars ***above, that’s where the conversation should’ve ended with the girl entering the room.

    I went to great lengths to let you see why. 🙂

    #810842

    aries2756
    Participant

    BH, your hysterical and I can actually see that happening.

    #810843

    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    b_h

    You sure have a career ahead of you writing scripts.

    This was very funny. I totally agree with Aries.

    happiest

    80 said it so well above. You and the others have the best wishes from everyone in the CR, I’m sure.

    #810844

    Imaofthree
    Participant

    bein-hasdorim, that was very cute and funny. but I know my husband would really like to speak with the young man for a few minutes. we shall see!

    #810845

    methinks
    Member

    b_h you and mod 80 should write comedys together! 😉

    #810846

    MiddlePath
    Participant

    Wow.. I really did not realize so many people have the parents sit down and talk to the guy before he goes out with their daughter! Is this commonly done? Because in all honesty, every single girl I’ve dated answered the door herself and we did not stick around to talk with her parents, rather just a small “Hi”. Not before the date, anyway. One time, actually, after the date (a first date, even), she invited me over for dinner with her parents, which I thought was unconventional, but really nice. And it was quite fun.

    happiest, that really is very thoughtful of you!

    #810847

    bein_hasdorim
    Participant

    Thanks guys, I wish I could take all the credit.

    But aside from hakoras Hatov to HB”H 4 my talents,

    I must credit all the (wonderful) interesting parents i had to meet. Too many to list, and the hysterical stories I have.

    You wouldn’t believe it even if i told you.

    Lemme tell ya… there are some really wacky parents out there!

    If everyone was nice and proper though, I wouldn’t have what to laugh about later.

    Even what i wrote was so toned down, not clearly expressed

    (unless u use ur imagination) and shortened.

    It was much longer, with really weird question,

    and failed humor on their part, border lining on being downright

    offensive if it wasn’t that funny.

    I had to bite my lip sometimes from bursting out ROTF.

    People would’ve thought me to be Meshuga if not!

    My sole consolation was that i’d get to tell over the stories to my friends who’d say “NO WAY”!!!! “I don’t believe you!”

    “He said THAT?!!! “REALLY!!!!”

    Of course I kept the names confidential.

    #810848

    lolface
    Member

    im puzzled…….. what on earth is wrong with casual (NOT strained) shmoozing with your daughters potential date for a few minutes? although my own children are not yet of marriagable age, i remember my own dating experiences quite well, and many of these meetings were awkward and strained. if you do not have the skill to have such a “pre-shidduch” conversation without a show of buffoonery (most people, sadly, fall in this category) then by all means, have your daughter ready asap (within reason, i read 80’s comments) and end the travesty quickly.

    however it IS tragic that you should not have a chance to interview the gentleman who will be spending an evening with your daughter (as a marriage prospect, no less) for a few minutes. i remember those few parents who mastered the “art” of shmoozing (and an art it is). we had very pleasant conversation for a little bit, and then i went on my way. indeed i remember one shidduch (not my wife) where i was warned beforehand by the shadchan, that the father of the girl, of european descent, had the “minhag” to talk to the boy for a while before letting the girl leave the house with him, and i shouldn’t bring it up again on the date because “the girl was sensitive about it”. indeed i spoke to the parents for 20-30 minutes before being let out of the house. i recall the conversation as being pleasant and not forced in the least.

    (now although im advocating 20 minutes) i was so impressed by those parents behavior. (bad grammar i know.) i think sometimes people lose sight of an important thing – this isn’t some romantic novel where your daughter and her shidduch date are the protagonists and the parents are support characters who cheer (or boo) from the sidelines. THIS IS JUDAISM. where dating is an amalgam of research, focused interviews solely for the purpose of determining marriage prospects, and objectivity for as long as possible. (thats why you do as much background checking as possible BEFORE you go out, because once you like a guy, it will be harder to dispassionately analyze data)

    IN ADDITION a LARGE portion of the responsibility to assure a proper shidduch is made rests on the parents. YOU are responsible for making sure your daughter marries a mentsch. sounds archaic? don’t worry; so is no electricity for 24 hours out of every seven-day period. the idea that parents should just do some checking and then smilingly propel their daughter out the door into the arms of some guy who they hardly know is bizzarre, and a construct of a society where people are more worried about creating 5 minutes of discomfort than what might actually be the right thing to do.

    i dunno. maybe im way off, but i think you should take the time to get to know this guy, at least in a rudimentary way, before allowing him to spend time privately with your daughter. i geuss i am old fashioned that way.

    (my father who is from a different generation (i am his youngest son) often tells me stories about how when he went out, most of the first date was spent with the parents of the girl, with many parents not even letting you leave the house on a first date. it slowly tapered off until before each date, you had a lil meet n greet like we have now before the first date. i asked my father if those meetings were awkward. he said “sometimes. but so what?” as in, therefore they should be done away with? well you can’t roll back the clock (your daughter would never get married) but i think they were doing it right back then, and 5-10 minutes of a prospective chossons time to get a sense of who he is is important, and shouldn’t be so easily discarded because it might GOD FORBID cause a few moments of awkwardness. i would hazard to say that if those small moments cause him not to marry your daughter, then it wasnt bashert.)

    well thats all.

    haha spoke too much.

    #810849

    miritchka
    Member

    bein hasedorim: lol! thanks for the laugh!

    when i was going out, my father always asked me to wait upstairs a few minutes so he could talk to the boy. I never had the patience to wait so i came down after a minute or 2.

    How could a girl not be ready when her date comes? who ever heard of dating without peeking out the window to check him out?!… see how he gets out of the car and how he tries to find your house…lol! One guy took such a long time checking himself out in his rearview mirror we thought he was shaving!!

    #810850

    adorable
    Participant

    BH- you are hysterical and your comedy gave me a really good laugh. I wish I would have read it before I went out.

    #810851

    bein_hasdorim
    Participant

    thanks miritchka; adorable;

    btw I’m not saying you have to shove your daughter at him the second

    he enter yelling Kach V’leich!

    You can have a nice talk w/ the boy, my point was

    a) don’t ask weird questions aside for making him uncomfortable

    (It can realy backfire)

    b)Don’t interrogate him (If he wanted that he’d shoplift)

    c)once you’re finished, Don’t have a whole broken telephone matzav till the girl finds her way downstairs.

    awkward 5min silence and stares. That’s when the really weird commments get blurted out. like “We just finished supper”

    “we had chicken” “Do you like chicken?”

    Me like Chicken! Chicken Goooood!

    c)Don’t take forever! I have been detained one time for almost 40min. The father should’ve worked for Homeland Security.

    Well, I guess it’s more of a hobby for him.

    I was thinking of saying OH Kaaay! Let’s call it a night.

    tomorrow same time, same place? You make chicken, I’ll bring popcorn.

    but I was afraid they’d say… You like popcorn TOO?

    #810852

    shlishi
    Member

    The girls father should always give at least a brief farher in whatever mesechta the boy is currently learning, to insure he can learn. (If he is supposed to be a good learner, then the father might consider giving the farher on a surprise mesechta.)

    #810853

    Health
    Participant

    shlishi -That’s if the father knows how to learn. Maybe the guy should Farher the potential FIL?

    #810854

    kapusta
    Participant

    Rochel Baila Sara!, Rochel Baila Sara!!!!

    Chaya Miriam Dina!!!

    Have a nice time Rochel Baila Sara Mindle!

    Poor guy, he must have been waiting forever! Her name was changed twice!

    (That and your last post on this thread are both great btw. Anything to add to the funny shidduch stories thread?)

    *kapusta*

    #810855

    adorable
    Participant

    imagine how confused the guy must have been when they got into the car. he was prob thinking “what really is her name?” its not even possible for that to happen but its really really funny!

    #810856

    bein_hasdorim
    Participant

    Sorry kapusta; I was afraid it wouldn’t be clear. lemme explain.

    Rochel Baila Sara! is the girl, (his daughter)

    Chaya Miriam Dina is his Aishes Chayil (his wife)

    “Rochel Baila Sara” is the abbrev version.

    Upon Leaving…. the father feels it appropriate to address his daughter in parting with her full name,

    being “Rochel Baila Sara Mindle!” (as if three names isn’t enough)

    It guess it wasn’t as funny if u missed that part.

    btw, the wife has a fourth name too! I didn’t want to confuse u even more:)

    #810857

    adorable
    Participant

    how did you remember all those names and who’s what?

    #810858

    bein_hasdorim
    Participant

    Adore; Sorry I’m not using real names. (at least not totally)

    not fair to them, or me if they find out.

    If u had dated a guy who said on his 1st date,

    “Hi! Im Getzel Feivel Zurich.” You’d remember.

    #810859

    yeshivabochur123
    Participant

    I always like the fathers who farher me and/or actually spend more than 5 minutes taking. I get the impression that those are the ones who actually care about who their daughter marries. Also gives me a chance to get a feel what the family is like. Maybe thats just me I don’t know.

    #810860

    kapusta
    Participant

    b_h:

    I hope she never has any health issues. Thats a looong name.

    Thanks for explaining.

    *kapusta*

    #810861

    shmoel
    Member

    How long does the farher take?

    #810862

    yeshivabochur123
    Participant

    First time I ever went out I was in the house for 40 minutes, had a farher, exchanged family histories, played Jewish geography with the parents, etc. I told my rebbe, he was shocked and told me this is usually not done. The next girl I went out with I spoke 5 minutes with the parents and the father saw us out and said have a nice time. I think the first way is better for two reasons, the guy gets a feel for the family and the parents get a feel for the guy.

    #810863

    miritchka
    Member

    yeshivabochur123: i’m glad you enjoyed your 40 minutes with the girls parents. most boys, on first dates expecially, dont.

    besides, its the father that has to get a feel of the boy whos taking his daughter out. the boy doesnt have to know every thing about the father until he actually joins the family.

    #810864

    MiddlePath
    Participant

    Ok, I’m clearly way out of the loop here. It’s great that other guys enjoy talking with the girl’s parents before going out with their daughter, or getting a farher, but I don’t think I’d be comfortable with any of that. Not that I would walk out of the house if it happened to me. I’d politely answer any questions. But I’ve never had to do that in the past. I’m totally curious, though: Why does the father, or either of the parents of the girl, need to get “a feel” for him before he takes out their daughter for the first time? Especially assuming they know he’s not a total misfit since they probably did plenty of research on him, anyway.

    #810865

    i think the main thing is to get a sense of him, it doesnt necessarily have to be before the date.

    but a parent is always concerned before he puts his daughter into the control of a total stranger, that he at least doesnt seem dangerous or a total fool, no matter how good the references were.

    he probably also wants to make sure hes not a zombie.

    #810866

    MiddlePath
    Participant

    Okay, I can understand that, 80. Thanks. It makes complete sense. Now that I think about, it could be the reason I never really had to go through it myself was because just about every girl I’ve dated, I met and became somewhat familiar with before deciding to date her, so perhaps her parents put more trust into her at that point.

    #810867

    Queen Bee
    Member

    #810868

    yeshivabochur123
    Participant

    miritchka not really. So far the reverse has been true if anything but what happens if I meet a girl, really like her and then only really meet her family after the first five dates lets say. Then if I don’t think I can fit well with them I have a difficult decision to make now. Taking time to speak with the father first in learning or just a general shmooze ensures that this won’t happen. A guy can be great and the girl can be great for him but if he can’t fit well with her family in most cases its not worth it. When you get married people oft forget the all too true thing that you also end up marrying the parents, brothers, sisters, cousins, uncles and aunts. The reverse is true as well. Thats why its important to find all this out beforehand and the best way to do that is by sitting down and really talking with the parents if you can. Its an opportunity not an onesh.

    #810869

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    A guy can be great and the girl can be great for him but if he can’t fit well with her family in most cases its not worth it.

    Someone hasn’t read enough Romeo & Juliet

    #810870

    tahini
    Member

    We try and keep it short and sweet when a date comes to pick up our girls. Later on if we can see they get on well together then we do all we can to fit in, discreetly! For me as a mother the most important thing is seeing a good ” chemistry” between my child and his/her date. If they are happy we are happy, we do not want anyone to fit in with us! Why? We are not marrying them, an individual who we nurtured but do not own is marrying them, therefore it is important they get on! Already we have a litvish son in law, and a happy new family of relations. Nothing beats the nachas of seeing your child happy!

    #810871

    Smick
    Member

    I know this has noth got 2 do with the thread… But I didn’t want to make a new one, for a number of confidential reasons… I was just wondering if there is anyone out there that is BEST friends with thier mother inlaw. when I get married that’s what I want to happen!!! I want my mother inlaw to be my best friend I’m determined!!! nothing is gona come in my way!!! I’ve heard too many motherinlaw daughter inlaw stories that freak me out!!!! I’m scared!!! Does every mother inlaw really hate thier daughter inlaw.. I think it would be wise to date the inlaws as well as the guys.. after all you’re marrying the fam as well… I hate when people say it’s the boy that counts… it’s true to a certain extent but I mean come on… then why do all these people end up having devils as mom inlaws,…??? cause they forget to date them as well.. i guess they want peopple to know they exsist too…. after all that’s how these husbands come into the world.. -cause of them, have hakaros hatov and love your mother inlaw….

    last but not least thankyou for reading my rant and rave…. I don’t think half of it made sense… but anyway have a great day!!!

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