So sorry for your loss. May you find comfort soon.
You are describing several things:
-grief and trauma from the sudden ptira
-insecurity about when the next “hit” will take place and to whom
-a desire for self-improvement while you still have the chance
This sounds normal to me.
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You can probably do several things:
*read books on the normal stages of grief
*read the Garden of Emuna. Increasing emuna helps with worrying about things that are not in your control
*write a detailed list now of the things you’d like to improve and how you are going to go about doing that. Keep track of your progress. You may find it easier with a support system.
Hatzlacha! It’s a great zchus to the niftar that you are using this as a springboard to personal growth, which is really what Hashem wants. Kol hakavod.