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    I recently lost someone really close to me quite suddenly, and since then i’m always walking around like, “okay, today can be my/father/mother/brother/sister’s etc last day” c”v. And then I start thinkin how I would never want to leave this world at the stage I’m at now. I would be mortified to go up the way I am now. Because although I may look like a good person, and I try to be (most of the time!) really, i’m not! I do so many wrong and bad things!! (and confession, sometimes i KNOW I shouldnt be doing these things, but…. 🙁 )so a) any advice on how to get a grip on myself? and b) are these kind of depressing thoughts normal after someone passes away?


    These are not normal but not too uncommon. I would advise therapy for a bit.

    old man

    Please get help from a professional.This is not the place for your issues. If you are in Israel, call “Tishkofet”, they have a website.


    In my humblest opinion, it’s a natural thought process that occurs after a beloved passes. It should get back to normal.

    Iv’e heard once, there’s a Chazal (somewhere) saying ????? ?? ??? ?????, which seems to indicate that it’s useful, indeed healthy to have some ‘morbid’ thoughts, theses should be only as a last defense, when all else (mentioned there) failed. It is sometimes too destructive a force. If it gets in the way of Avodas HaShem, help should be sought.

    Now to the pros….


    i dont mean bad things like, terrible. i mean like regular stuff that everybody does that are not “AVAIROS” but are not the right things either…i just would not want to go up after 120 like that.

    am yisrael chai

    So sorry for your loss. May you find comfort soon.

    You are describing several things:

    -grief and trauma from the sudden ptira

    -insecurity about when the next “hit” will take place and to whom

    -a desire for self-improvement while you still have the chance

    This sounds normal to me.


    You can probably do several things:

    *read books on the normal stages of grief

    *read the Garden of Emuna. Increasing emuna helps with worrying about things that are not in your control

    *write a detailed list now of the things you’d like to improve and how you are going to go about doing that. Keep track of your progress. You may find it easier with a support system.

    Hatzlacha! It’s a great zchus to the niftar that you are using this as a springboard to personal growth, which is really what Hashem wants. Kol hakavod.


    have bitochen and you’ll get over it!! you will inevitably leave the world when hashem destines for you to do so. never fear it, just prepare for it and don’t push things off!! always make sure you rectify your mistakes before going to sleep at night and you won’t go wrong..

    As for fear of loosing another loved one chas ve shalom,everyone comes into this world to forfill a particular tafkid, you owe hakoras hatov to your parents for helping to bring you into this world to accomplish what you need to accomplish, however they to are human and will have thier tafkid complete after 120 hopefully and will return to our creator, the same will happen to you. that’s the way hashem has designed his creations. we are not here forever there is an eternal world that exsists outside of this one, which the nifteres has joined and become apart of. I think you should be happy for her that she was able to accomplish her tafkid and was invited to join everyone up there. You can continue to connect and be close with her soal, even though her guf isn’t here, by davening for her success and working on yourself in her zechus so that she is accepted in the highest position in gan Eden. Ask yourself this Question, will you want everyone to be depressed down here when you have accomplished your tafkid?? You are not giving her nachas by being upset about her leaving, replace the depression with accomplishing shas by her yarziet in her zechus, learning perek shira, etc.. working on personal growth in her merrit will help you as well as her.

    May this Tzara pass quickly and easily and may you have many more simchos in replace. Amen!


    Zeeskite- Thats a gemara in Brochos on Daf Hey. It says you should have your yetzer tov fight your yetzer hora. if that doesnt work then learn torah. If that doesnt work say krias shema. If that doesnt work remember that one day you will pass on from this world. It appears to be as a last resort.

    On the other hand, the Mishna in Avos (3:1) says to remember in front of whom you will have to give a din v’cheshbon.


    I think your thoughts are totally normal. There is no way to avoid them. Thank heaven we dont keep things on our mind with the same level of intensity for too long. It is also good to share your thoughts, like you are now, or with someone you trust or who is anonymous like from a phone thing or Bais Horaah.


    off topic but there are 2 consecutive posts on this thread which feature something I’ve never seen before. A poster with no screen name and no subtitle and a poster with an email address as his/her screen name. I thought email addresses weren’t allowed here.


    I can’t speak for other people, but after I lost my sibling at a very young age, I began to imagine how I would feel, c”v to lose others. I literally thought myself to tears on many occasions. I think it comes from fear and trying to deal with the trauma (and maybe preparing ourselves for future loss). My thoughts usually arose at very quiet times, when I had moments to reflect in solitude on my loss and grief, such as late at night. It did lessen and pass with time, although I think the trauma of an early loss remains with me forever. I wouldn’t be too concerned if it happens occasionally and if you can control those thoughts. Only if you feel the thoughts are intrusive and you can’t choose to stop them, you might want to seek a grief counselor or a support group.


    thanx for everyone for your encouraging words. its good to know that most of you think this will pass and that im relatively normal. i just want to clarify something. when i said that i do bad things, i realize people might take that the wrong way. i try to be good! really! i just cant help thinking that if c”v i dropped dead, i wouldnt want them to find me with a james patterson book in my hand. not that theres necessarily anything wrong with it, (maybe there is, maybe there isnt,) but for myself, i wouldnt want that to be the last thing i would be doing. so either i can stop, which might be ideal, but is really hard. or i can stop my thoughts, which i dont want to really, cuz in a way, its bringing me awareness. like, i never really thought of death before and olam haba and anything like that, but at the same time its not so normal to be walking around with thoughts like mine.

    and yeah charlie, i noticed that too and was wondering…


    sounds normal to me but I am sorry to hear about your loss.



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