I am so sorry you are under such pressure from this. i can give you my ideas, but i dont know if they’ll apply to you. whatever, you decide.
i really dont know your exact lifestyle, but i do know that you can be the “not spenders” type and still be paying a lot more for things that the “frugal” type wont.
for instance…
you mentioned that while you do wear nice clothes, you buy them on sale. on sale at kohls and marshalls, or on sale but still brand name? its possible to buy good clothes for cheap…my (womens) shoes average $20-$30, with some being $10 and nice shabbos ones $40 (which i splurged on). i consider tops and sweaters too expensive to buy if they’re over $15-$20.
you can eliminate/cut back on dry cleaning (invest in a few wrinkle free shirts? dont buy dry-clean only clothes)
only buy food on sale. look for items on really good sales, and stock up in your pantry. only food you will need, your basics that will last a while. buying canola oil and tuna fish for full price is ridiculous.
and cut back on expensive foods, reserve them for treats.and expensive food does not only=caviar. believe it or not, a basic salad with Bodek greens, cherry tomatos, avocado and hearts of palms can be very expensive. my family knows that hearts of palm is bought occasionaly, along with pre-checked lettuce, and frozen blintzes, yadda yadda…
avoid brand name items unless you are CERTAIN its more worth it. (rare, but it does happen.) do you need the Windex brand, or will Glass Cleaner work? Can you use Walmart brand Baby Wipes? not “Scotch” tape? etc.
UTILITIES: every tiny thing helps. every one degree lower that you set your thermostat, having the heat off while at work, not running water while doing dishes, shutting off lights not in use, ALL REALLY HELP.
all the small things add up. A Brita filter pitcher is a lot cheaper than bottled water, buy a few bottles and then re-use them by filling them up for work or whatever. dont buy coffee from a shop, its inevitably more expensive than your alternatives. have a friend cut your hair, or learn to trim your own so you can go for haircuts less frequently. see if your wife can do her own shaitel in a more easy, simple style, and save the shaitel macher for when its to be done real nice. buying small-sized snacks for your kids is much more expensive than buying a big bag of pretzels or chips and dividing it into baggies. give your kids water for school instead of snapple.
there are sooo many ways to save, and believe me, when you add it up, the ammount of extra money you have is incredible.
if you’re already living like this, then i really dont know what to tell you, and i really feel for you. please let me know if any of this helped, while i go wrack my brain for more ideas 😉