Always runs
“I blame myself…if I was fair to him or more even tempered…”
The first step is to recognize that this situation cannot stay the way it is, and it will not change until you do something about it.
That something is not to be more even tempered. Yes, that can reduce tension, but IT WILL NOT ENSURE that he will not “attack”.
You’re assuming your husband’s response had some logic to it;like, you provoked on some level, and so he responded. That IS NOT what happened. I don’t have to be there to see that.
My husband threatened to drive extra fast on an icy road on an elevated narrow roadway (mountain) when I told him I was scared because of the driving conditions and asked him to slow down. He was enraged that I had the nerve to ask him to slow down. There IS NO logic to abuse. Their response to their PERCEPTION of insult or threat is unpredictable.
The fact that he has redeeming qualities does not mean he’s a good husband for you or good father for your children. The most important thing he can offer you and your children is security (not just financial, but safety). He has demonstrated that at this time he is incapable of offering that to you. His outbursts are unpredictable.
You need information. I don’t blame you for being terrified of even thinking of dissolving this marriage. You don’t know where to go or how to support yourself. But, that doesn’t mean that you’ll be stuck. The more information you have the less you’ll fear considering other choices. Frum shelters exist and are designed to be safe for woman and children. Supportive services are provided to help women become grounded.
It sounds like you unequivocally believed your husband harmed your daughter and then allowed yourself to question it/who’s fault was it. It is not foolhardy to “evacuate”your children if he exposed them to harm.
Now is not the time to assess who’s responsibility it was and what you can do differently. Your primary job is to keep your children safe.
I, too, would recommend that you keep trying to reach shalom task force. Ask if you should report it to the police (I think you must, but consult with them).