Always, everyone knows that the FATHER sets the tone of the house and it says so in the Torah. It is very well understood that a mother can get truly overwhelmed by all the children fighting and crying and pushing and pulling at her, but it is the father who walks in from work who has NOT been subjected to this all day, who walks in with the rachmonus and love for his children and family, as Hashem the father has rachomonus and love for HIS children and family.
Always, I hear you loud and clear, we all do. What YOU don’t hear is that you are spouting typical and standard words and phrases that any and all victims of abuse would and do say. Unfortunately, your mind has been trained to blame yourself and NOT the abuser. YOU are not at fault here, YOU and your children are the victims!!! YOU are NOT responsible for what is going on. That is HIS illness and HIS sickness which is NOT depression, it is control and abuse, having its affect on you. It is his words which have been seriously and convincingly planted in YOUR brain to believe and accept blame for everything that goes wrong. It is his brainwashing that YOU deserve what is happening because YOU brought in upon yourself. As a friend of mine says this is “STINKING THINKING” and it has not only locked you in a rotten marriage of abuse, it allowed you to keep bringing babies into it, and convinced you that no one cares enough about you to help you. HE IS LYING TO YOU!!! People DO care and Hashem will send you shelichim to help you out of this mess.
I myself have gotten involved in a case like yours, without the physical abuse but with sexual abuse, on the wife, emotional and verbal abuse on the kids, and we are just about heading into court next week if we don’t have an out of court settlement. I didn’t know this client. Somehow Hashem put us together. Hashem will send shelichim to you as well, just as he did to her. She also thought there was no out for her. She thought that death was her only answer. Hers not even his. So please, please don’t let his illness cause you all this “Stinkin thinkin”. Stop worrying about where you will go and what will happen to him. He is an adult and he has the option of getting help. Get him out of the house. That is the first step. Let HIM worry about where he is going to go if he is not going to seek help. BTW, if he violates the Order of Protection, you call the cops and have him arrested. This is a very good thing because then it is moved out of family court and into Criminal Court. A man faced with family court might NOT feel the need to comply and go get the therapy he needs. However, once the case is in criminal court, he is dealing with a whole different ball game and the reality of the situation hits him in the face.
I can’t predict whether or not he can be cured and life with him can be better. I can’t tell you if the marriage can survive or not. You both need to go into therapy and counseling to figure it all out and make the best decisions for yourself and your children. But I CAN point out to you that YOU and YOUR children do NOT deserve this HELL and it has nothing to do with anything YOU or your children are doing.