always runs with scissors fast –
I’m just a young single guy, but I will candidly tell you that I am not at all ignorant in these matters. Here is my advice:
1) No matter what you decide your course of action will be, do not let it go, thinking “it’s my fault in a big way, I just have to change, and it will all get better.” Of course you are correct that your PPD probably has something to do with it, but you know in your heart that he has a problem. And I tell you that problem will not go away if the status quo remains.
2) Does he have a rav who is trustworthy that he would listen to without question? If yes, call him right away. Tell him everything and do not be afraid to divulge anything. Anything at all that could possibly be relevant, even though it puts your husband in a bad light. Don’t talk with your head, talk with your heart. Tell him you need him to demand that your husband seek professional help immediately. And say that of course, you are willing to seek help for yourself too. But tell him that this is necessary or else you are out.
3) If your husband does not have someone like this, then tell him yourself. If you feel a confrontation is too risky (he may lose his temper, you may say the wrong thing etc.) then write a note. Tell him that you need him, for the sake of the family, to seek professional help. Tell him you will make the appointment and everything, and be amicable, supportive, and empathetic, but be firm. I am sure you can find the right words.
4) If all this fails, I would consider finding some sort of shelter and leaving. I know that this is a last resort for you, and perhaps to an extent unthinkable, which is why I left it for last.
One thing. I will just reiterate what I wrote in the beginning. You cannot let this go. Baruch Hashem you are still young and have a whole life ahead of you, and the same goes for your kids. If you try to just continue to live in the environment you speak of and not take significant action I can tell you with almost certainty that you will have great regrets down the road. This way, as tough and terribly difficult as it may be, you will always know that you did all you could, and chances are your life in general will improve as well.
Hatzlacha.