Reply To: Very disturbing, please only kind people read.

People, people, people…Thank you.

Although its very overwhelming to have to read 89 posts, to date, its also chizuk to feel supported. However, you must understand that I am part of the problem. And that my husband is also a victim. He is a victim of his “mental illness” called undiagnosed/untreated Depression, leading to these behaviors. And I have also been a nasty person in the home towards him and the children. So, I have sometimes toyed with the idea of giving my children to a happy healthy family seeing as I am too weak, unskilled and lost. Oh did i mention depressed and hopeless?

But I would never, I am in fact capable and happy to rear my dears, this is my tachlis in this gilgul. Being a “new comer” to a chassidish village was not easy, nor is it ever going to be easy to live as a war survivor with not one family member in life to share the joys and sorrows. Bearing the baggage of my painful past, lost friends and family, and the present burden of living with a control freak in poverty are some of my obstacles.

AND having been brought up by a very violent woman, my own mother, who use to beat us, verbally abuse all of us, and demonstrate the power of intimidation through violence and violence against my father etc. I BELIEVE that is why I was attracted to a controlling husband.

After all, I DID CHOoSE HIM! It was my stupid judgment.

I must reiterate HE IS NOT VIOLENT TOWARDS ME or even walls or objects (i have done that) he just lost his temper at our child.

And of course its not ok. But it doesnt make him a rasha. Or ok maybe it does?

ARe you posters telling me that not one of you has ever lashed out and struck someone in your immediate family, under the category of what would be called ABUSE by the authorities? But could be called “a mistake” by ordinary people? Maybe we are the only sick family on the block?

I am so weak from life. However, inside I am an amazingly funny, creative strong person with ideas. But i’ve handed my strength over to this person. willingly. And I firmly believe nobody can abuse unless you LET them. I have been allowing this for some strange reason.

Ok, so then- I have to stop him from this koikes. I know.

Just for an update, I did call Shalom Task Force this morning, and she said all that you Posters are saying. “Its not normal, its going to escalate…..that He did this to hurt me, and control me”. I did as she instructed and called our Rav, who is waiting now to hear from my husband. The Rav was extremely disturbed and animated in his response making it clear to me that this must be tackled as a priority issue. That he finds it unacceptable. My husband feels weak and nervous, like he is going to “get it”. I feel bad for him. I would also feel terrible if he had have called the Rav when I was having a nervous breakdown screaming at him and the children. ONce I was so angry, I threw a yartzheit candle that still had hot liquid wax in the bottom of the tin can, right towards his chair which he was sitting in. Luckily it splashed on the fabric and not him. I felt very bad.

yes, we need help. yes its all unhealthy. But i blame him, because i wouldnt have been so angry if he had have been reasonable and gave me a conversation and communication whereby to help repair the marriage, in that incidence above. But, yes it was wrong. WE both need help.