Reply To: MARRIAGE IN CRISIS

TO computer777: Correct no one gets all their needs met from their parents.

The problem starts when one is not consciously aware of exactly what needs were not met and then mistakenly, since one remains “needy”,(feeling something is lacking.I don`t mean a nebech) one imagines that ones spouse is the one that is meant to satisfy it(falling in love).

A spouse can always help out as a favour, but will only be willing to do so if the spouse is made to feel “not responsible” for what I am lacking.

So says Harville Hendrix in his book “Getting the love you want”

which was recommended to me by a frum psychotherapist who is also a “Rabbi”.I believe there are many Torahdicker Haskofos in it.

Re: to extreme givers : There are 3 types of people in connection with needs not being satisfied in childhood.

1 Someone who will unconsciously seek out to satisfy their need, even at the expense of others(b/c he is unaware that he is doing that)

2 Someone who will consciously attempt to deny they have needs and become an extreme giver in order to suppress their needs.

3 Someone who will learn to become consciously aware(know and feel)that certain needs were not met as a child.

He will not blame his parents for this b/c he realises that they,in turn,did not get their needs met by their parents.

He will then take full responsibility for that and attempt to satisfy them by himself, if thats possible,or request, as a favour,from his spouse to help him get his needs met.

I hope I have answered your queries.