can we first establish a necessary ingredient and that is that per the rules of this world made up by this guy named god, you have absolutely no right to even believe that any of this is true? in fact i imagine that the issur of thinking about doing an aveirah also plays a role? before we bring in logic lets realize that the question at hand is not how to do it or even if you can do it because the answers to that are because its assur. the question you are asking is why not, ie why is this considered lashon hara? to this i will refer you to a nice man who wrote a long and complicated book called sefer shmiras halashon. in there you can look up chapter ten and it will explain things quite clearly. if you need help, there is also many people who can help you read it. but just because you dont know halacha, doesnt make it muttar. if you dont want to listen to me, i dont care, you can ask some other competent halachik source perhaps a rav or posek. but dont just assume that since you can think of a reason that it might be muttar that that reason is valid. (maybe this is the understanding of why women arent allowed to learn gemora? hmmm) i beleive that i have said enough on this subject because i have to use this bag next to me for something other than overeating on motai yom kippur (for any of you that read that thread)
good shabbos, and good grief!