Reply To: Singles in The Frum Community

chaimdovid and intellegent: I completely agree with you. It’s one thing for a close friend to ask more personal questions–but only if they’re good friends and feel out if you even want to talk about the subject. If they know how you feel, they can help you talk things out. But it really bothers me when it’s the first thing I’m asked by perfect strangers. First of all, I don’t know them, so why are they asking me something that’s so personal that they can be sure has been brought up by parents and close friends multiple times? And it also implies that it’s the most important and first thing thing they see about me. If you are asking for a constructive reason (you may have a shidduch in mind, etc.), that’s fine, but if you’re asking because you just want to know, please don’t. We know we are single, as we’ve been doing our hishtadlus to try to change that fact.

And about shidduchim in general…. People often tell “older” singles that they are being picky. Part of the reason that is is because the people who are redt to us are sometimes simply, “Single guy, single girl, they’d be perfect.” Am I being picky for not wanting to go on a date with someone 30+ years my senior?? I was told that I was. Or the best was when I was redt to someone from another country who did not speak English or Hebrew, and I was told by the shadchan that then we would have no communication problems because we would not be able to communicate! Is this being picky? I was told it was. All it says is that (especially if this is a shadchan who also doesn’t know you/your family) hopes that if they make enough crazy shidduchim that maybe one will work so they will get paid. It is not fair to either party. If we would go out, there are expenses that are paid on a first date (travel, etc.), as well as an afternoon or evening wasted on what you may know was not a good reason to redt a shidduch. Plus, the more “bad” dates (which often happen because the shadchanim are not doing their jobs), the harder it gets to make yourself go on future dates. I used to be so optimistic before dates, but it’s getting harder and harder to have a positive attitude beforehand. Have a reason to set two people up rather than simply that they’re both single.

And to parents of singles: Yes, we know we are single. We don’t need to hear it all the time. I do not want to be disrespecful to my parents and tell them how much they are hurting me because it would hurt them probably to hear it from me. So I am saying this from this forum (and I have no idea if my parents will see this, and if they do, they will now know it’s their daughter because there are a lot out there in the same parsha) because I’m sure there are parents of singles out there reading it, so please think about if your daughters (and single sons) may feel the same way. I know they want to see me married. I want to see me married, too. But I do not need to be reminded every time we talk or you see me. I love you, and I know you are saying these things because you love me. But please see me as your daughter who has (I think) some good things about me and that there is more to me than just being The Single Daughter. I’ve tried so hard to be a good daughter from the time I was a small child, but it seems like the one thing I’ve done wrong (even though I’ve tried to do it right) is the one thing that sticks out in your mind.