The point I am trying to say is that the hashkafos of the shtark yeshivos is that you have to be attracted to her. And the bochurim usually internalize that. I probably didn’t stress this enough but that doesn’t mean that she has to have a supermodels body etc. None of the guys I know requires it. As you said, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. But that beauty still has to be in his eyes.
I still think this is an argument between the attractive vs the unattractive. Keep in mind that when you consider you’re friends pretty it doesn’t mean guys do. also keep in mind that apparently you don;t seem to know this integral fact that it’s ok for looks to matter (even for a ben torah) so why should you;re friends who probably went to the same bais yaakov (and were taught the same hashkafos) as you.