binahyeseira & Ofcourse-
The two of you asked me for my opinion as to what can be done to help the situation. After thinking about it for some time I decided to put some ideas forward. Please keep in mind that everything I write is my personal opinion (and may or may not be correct). I represent no one besides myself nor have I discussed this with anyone else on a serious level.
Also, if I offend anyone please forgive me in advance, it is definitely not my intention.
The biggest issue (again, this is strictly my opinion) is that Shadchannim are out of control and needed to be reined in. One can think “What’s the big deal, if I don’t like the idea I can always say ‘No’ right?”.
Not so simple! With the terror tactics many Shadchannim have been using (at least when I was dating) it’s not so easy to just say “No”.
It came to the point where my friends and I had to break off all contact with specific “Professional” Shadchannim. A guy in yeshiva has the liberty to tell a shadchan to never call back, but take a girl from an out-of-town city with no yeshiva for guys over 21. If she doesn’t have any older brothers or cousins then shadchanim are her lifeline, guys breaking off contact with shadchanim sever the lifeline for these girls.
My idea would be for a board or committee to set a list of guidelines that shadchanim have to follow in order to be certified. Any shadchan breaking any of the guidelines will be banned from practicing for a certain amount of time up to and including a lifetime ban for serious or repeated violations. There would also be a monetary fine to pay for the date in a case where the shadchan lied about something where the date could not have worked out to begin with i.e. telling a Kohen that a Geyores is an FFB.
The list would consist of some rules which should be obvious but apparently isn’t. (If someone wants to start a thread about “Shadchannim Horror Stories” I have some to share but it is out of the scope of this thread.)
1. Don’t lie- If someone asks a question it usually means that it’s important to them. It’s not up to you to decide what’s important or not.
2. Don’t stalk- I found it creepy when Shadchannim found out who I previously dated and who I was currently dating. It’s none of your business and if you “happened” to have found out somehow you are not allowed to share this information!
3. Don’t give my name out without my permission- If I never asked you to put my name on your list but you got it from my yeshiva please ask me before distributing it. It’s not fair to my friends, neighbors, Rabbeim and relatives to get numerous calls about me when I can’t possibly date all of them anyway. It’s also not fair to me to get a reputation as a guy who says “no” to everyone.
4. Don’t use excessive pressure- If it’s a “no” then it’s “no”, if I need more information then I’ll let you know.
There were times that I had to agree to go out just to get the Shadchan of my back. Those dates never helped anyone and just worsened the age gap.
Let me bring a simple example with extremely exaggerated parameters to amplify the situation.
An island starts out with 100 males and 100 females all aged exactly 21 at time t = 0. At the end of each year an additional 100 males and an additional 100 females (all aged exactly 21) join the island. Males can only marry females their age or younger. Consequently, females can only marry males their age or older. Each person is only allowed to date one person at a time and is limited to one unique date every two months. Mortality, growth and the divorce rate is 0.
Let’s say after one year 50 couples get married, that means that by t = 1 there are 50 males and 50 females that are 22 and 100 males and 100 females that are 21.
The pool size for a 22 year old male is 150, while the pool size for a 22 year old female is only 50.
So time is of essence. By Shadchannim forcing dates on others (where at least one party knows it’s not going to work), it just wastes precious time.
Once that timer hits t = 1 and the new crop comes in, the probability of many of those original females getting married is severely reduced.
Again- the above is only my opinion.
Feel free to challenge (or add to) anything mentioned- but in a civilized manner or I will not respond.