Just calling it a “crisis” is a crisis. Look, sensationalism sells. Nowadays we don’t welcome an inch of snow in December just because it’s winter. Nope – all of a sudden, the NYC metro area is battening down for a “severe storm.” TV & radio weather reporting comes from “Storm Team 11” or “the Severe Weather Center.” Chill out, people. It’s an inch of snow. In December.
Likewise, the shidduch crisis has come about because our values have been warped by the outside world. It isn’t good enough to be good enough. Everyone wants a “mitsuyan.” Everyone wants the “top boy” or “top girl.” Everyone wants the nitpickyiest qualifications.
A Rav I know who does couples counseling published a pamphlet urging people to “Just Settle.” What are you holding out for? Everyone is human. Live with it. A good enough person is good enough. Especially when you are in your 20s, never married. You’re growing together. The most important quality is to be able to grow together and work together to build a marriage.
The “crisis” has arisen because our expectations have arisen. Not pretty enough, too nebbish, wrong color socks with his Shabbos shoes, wears sandals, from the wrong seminary, too Chassidish, too Litvish, can’t drive, can drive…. Who in the old days would have been disqualified as a shidduch for their mother using the “wrong” color tablecloth?
We know an unmarried man who 15 years ago (when he was 40) turned down a late 30’s woman because she would only have been able to have 1 or 2 kids. Now, never married, in his 50s, he has zero kids. What did he gain by waiting for a “better” prospect?
The “Crisis” is that we don’t educate our sons and daughters in what marriage is. We need to tell them how to pick a spouse based on chessed, middos, liveable qualities, the zerizus they exhibit and for what, how to please their spouse, assessing how a persons is going to be for the long run. We’ve focused on short-run qualities forgetting that we are married not just through the dancing and celebrations, but also through lo aleinu illness, hardship, and times of trouble. How equipped are our sons and daughters to deal with that? Can they choose a spouse who has the qualities for “everyday use” and not just “for special”?