There are so many deficiencies in today’s chosson and kallah classes it is scary. Many teachers just cover halachos, which is also problematic because it rarely accounts for differing opinions. It is the exception when the chosson and kallah teacher communicate to insure they are on the same page. Some teachers present mythical material. Unfortunately, there is no regulation or oversight. I was recently introduced to a few yungerleit in Brooklyn who are working class people looking to earn an extra dollar, and have been volunteering themselves as chosson teachers. Their qualification – still being married after 5 years.
Also missing, to our deep chagrin, is the guidance on how to manage the relationship. How should a couple fight/disagree? How should they manage their relationships with respective in-laws? Fundamental communication skills need to be taught. In the words of one of the recently departed gedolim, “Learn to be mevater on everything.”
The role of religion and spirituality is rarely addressed, though differences here are apt to become problems. When dating, prospective chassanim and kallos present themselves in their best light. But the real self is reserved for exposure later. Life is full of speed bumps. If the skills to handle these are there, they become just markers that were passed by without event. If not, the weak relationship can be severely rattled.
Next is the matter of where to turn when there are issues. Many involve their parents. This is rarely effective. Others look to other outsiders, extended family, rabbonim, etc. This is also of limited value. Most are untrained, and have no idea what suggestions are actually harmful to the marriage.
Spending couple time alone is great. But without having learned basic skills, from parental models or by instruction, this could just provide another arena to play out the problems that are apt to arise out of poor preparation for marriage.