Oneofmany
“Syag: Because both of them are promoting justifications that are not grounded in reality. Boys display sociopathic behavior up until marriage and then become kind, sensitive snowflakes? If you don’t have a boyfriend before marriage your reward (seriously?!) will be this awesome guy who will love you and be devoted to you for all eternity–just by virtue of you being such a good girl? In my (humble and inexperienced) opinion, this is not the type of thinking that fosters healthy marriages.
All that is beside the fact that the actual problems with having a relationship outside of marriage are hirhur, negiah, and etc. Would two well-adjusted thirty year-olds be allowed to have a romantic relationship? What is the point in building spurious and potentially harmful ideas? If a girl has trouble accepting the basic halacha as it is, try to find her other emotional (or dare I say, intellectual) outlets.”
No boys don’t display sociopathic behavior before marriage and then become anything. The point is that teens go through certain changes during those years that cause their hormones to rage I cant be explicit here but those hormones lead a boy to have very unclean thoughts and very overpowering desires. Now these crazy drives normalize at around 20 +- a few years.
Now in general every typical male has strong desires, even post teens but theres a big difference between the teenage surge and the post teen surge in that your body calms down a lot. You cant compare the crazy energy and drive of a 17 year old to a 23 year old.
Also, when you are in Shidduchim you are older have matured and grown as a person, have likely learned more about relationships and what marriage is about and your head is on marriage and having a real relationship. You are set on finding that one person that you will spend your life with, build a family with and all that. Yes most guys will still care about the physical attraction and that is part of how we are wired but at 22 or 23 we are able to put that at the back burner and not make our marriage decision based totally on that. As a teen dating has zero toeles. The boy has one interest and one interest only, to enjoy the females physicality. Theres no relationship. He doesnt go home with her. They dont live together. He doesnt have to BE THERE for her. They just hang out and chill together and he is only there for the fun stuff, the second it stops being fun the boy hits the road. You know that you don’t need the girl because if things dont work you just say good bye and find another. If anything the girl is desperate to keep the boy and tends to fall for him and out of her desperation to keep him will do things she will live to regret later. Once you give the boy what he wants what is his motivation for teh relationship?
In shidduchim (by shomrei Torah) there is no touching and no chance you will get any of that before marriage. Your focus is much more grounded on reality, you dont intend to marry her get divorced find another get divorced….You want this one to work.