morahrach, wow how different 2 people can be! i am so jealous that you love your child more then your own sanity. you seem like such an amazing person and an amazing mother. as you know I BH recently had my first baby,(since that post on baby stuff, we had a girl erev purim) anyways i totally understand you and how difficult it is to start work again. i am the exact opposite. i was looking for a job for an entire year. i wanted to work so bad. not just for money but just to get me out of the house. as a dental hygienist its really hard to find work, especially if its your first job since graduating. i was getting so depressed just being home everyday with nothing to do. my husband hasnt had any luck with work either so we were both home all day and becuase of that our relationship was seriously deteriorating. 3 months after i had the baby i finally started having a little more energy and was looking for work again. BH something finally came my way cuz my baby screams all day. shes 4 months and cries A LOT! i cant handle being at home with her all day. maybe cuz your baby is older its easier for you. my husband who has way more patients then me has now been a stay at home dad and has grown quite attached to the little one. i love seeing him interact with her because I rarely see fathers do that. and i get to leave the house and keep my sanity and I am thrilled. so like i said we have the exact opposite situation. but i have such kinas sofrim that you are the way you are with your baby. you were just born to me a jewish mother. and he is one lucky little man to have a mom like you! good luck with everything. bezras Hashem everything will “work” out fine! :).
by the way as a side note. i dont know what kind of work you do. but if you really want to stay home with your son i have a friend that also wanted to work but didnt want to leave her son so she opened a small play group in her home and babysat a few kids and made money! she figured i’m watching my own kid anyway, what difference is it if i watch a few more and it worked out great for her! is that something you would consider?