and maybe I would love to just share it with a friend;
You can call her.
It’s obvious you are in a lot of pain. It’s not easy being single in the frum world. You just need to have emunah. Hashem knows what’s best for you.
You may want to find someone professional you could talk to. You have too much pain to handle alone.
And if you can handle some “words of wisdom” from an older single, it does get easier.