July 15, 2013 3:36 pm at 3:36 pm #610070
What happened to them?
You’re in high school and everything’s great! You have GO, play, chagiga, sleep overs, finals and exams and you have you’re group of friends that you just have enough time in the world to spend with, laugh and talk to till the wee hours of the morning.
You know you can depend on them whether its with homework, being you’re buddy on the bus, sneaking to the bathroom during class and just being there for whatever you need.
And then you graduate, and promise to keep in touch. Friends forever.
We go off the Seminaries and make new friends and even through the distance and time differences we somehow get a hold of each other and say hello.
The plane hits the USA one year later and were still a little high from the Sem Experience.
We apply to college, night classes, for jobs and life gets a little busier. Yet, there’s always that once a week text or a phone call to say ‘hey, I haven’t forgot about you.’
Then it starts.
Phone calls and the hair dryers muffling the sounds of the boys being redt.
It’s crazy and it’s amazing and it’s nervwrecking. But that’s the game of dating.
Soon enough the first girl gets engaged! Mazel Tov!! It’s so exciting!! Preparations are being made, everyone’s hugging and kissing and wishing im yitrzeh hashems’ by you!! It’s all so thrilling and amazing!!
We go with our heels and dance the night away… Saying good bye to our dear dear friend.
Not too long after the others begin to follow…
Now that the single numbers are decreasing you stick together, all you unmarried ones; and talk crazy funny horror heartbreaking dating stories. Offering a shoulder and chizuk.
There’s hardly anyone left, so you depend on each other for company and support.
And we vow that we will never be like our friends who promised to never forget us and did. We vow that we- will be different.
And then it happens.
The very last single friend from your group gets engaged! It is so exciting and you could not be happier for her! But there’s a small sear down the middle of your gut stomach telling you..’it’s time to say your good byes’
‘ this one too is going to leave you’
But you quickly wash it off because you swore together that you guys would be different. We remembered how it felt to be the last to go and friendship means that much to us.
Down the the very last day…she walks down the chupah and you cry because you’re so happy for her and you cry because.. Um.. Hello, find me a guy too? Like soon? And someone normal- please! And can he be somewhat ok looking- not like the ones I’ve been dating. And yea, while we’re at it; someone nice, someone who will treat me like I’m a person; like I have feelings. Because frankly I just feel like.. Um..I don’t know… I’m just another girl on their long list penciled in on some flimsy charmin toilet paper; unimportant and easy tossed down the drain.
It’s getting kind of hard getting all dressed up and having your hopes up only to be squashed right in fron’a ya?! Because I kind of dont mind having some hair on my head after burning it with all those hot tools and I’d like to be able to have some night go unsleepless. So what I’m saying is… Whoever is up there, laughing at my life; spare me a little and send someone good my way. Please? Oh yea, and mazel tov to the new couple, may they build a bayis neeman byisroel!
The glass is broken and OD YESHAMA! You’re once single yeshivish friend is holding her husbands hand with pride and joy! Happiest day of her life and you are ecstatic!
You get home and pull out your make-remover cloth and stand by the mirror and look deep into yourself and sigh.
You make that half a grin sad eyed look and take a deep breathe out.
And life goes on…
And the days go by….
And no one calls…
And no one texts….
And no one seems to have remembered poor little you.
They’re busy with their lives you tell yourself, they have a husband and a child and job and rent and expenses..
You’re life is way simpler than theirs- how they wish they can be in your shoes.. They say.
Oh shut up!
Who are you kidding?! You really wish you were in my shoes?! You would really love and die to be single and abandoned and all alone! Sounds like fun to me.
True, there are advantages of being single, the same holds true to being married.
But… The worst part of it all is that YOU WERE IN MY SHOES!! Don’t you remember what it feels like to never get a call? Don’t you know the pain and anguish it is to date? Don’t you know what it means to have NO ONE to spend your free time with or to ask how you’re doing? Don’t you know what it means to be and to feel so alone- no-because at least you had someone; now I’M the ONLY one alone in this.
And it hurts a lot. It’s hurts because you promised you would be different. You promised you would try to keep up.
You promised you wouldn’t forget me.
But I think you did.
Either that or your life is going amazing or it’s going really south; in which case I feel sorely bad for.
But I think it really comes down to what’s important in you’re life. Which is ok! Don’t get me wrong family life is very very important. But does your friend mean anything to you? Do you think about her? Maybe it’s being lazy or not finding the time to say hi- to be welcoming and inviting. Maybe if it means enough you will MAKE the time to let her know yes I’m thinking about you.
And some friends do try.
They do tell you about all the milestones they have reached and the simchas they’ve had…. Three months later.
Oh and that boy I mentioned to you..(6 months ago.. But didn’t speak to you since) oh he was busy- and oh he said no. You’re not what he’s looking for.
Oh (swallow) thanks for letting me know.
Sure! You’re welcome (as if she’s doing me the biggest cheesed) you know I’m looking out for you.
Yes, thank you- I see
Oh- got to run! Baby’s up! Tty!
*clincks* hangs up the phone
…eventually after you get hurt and annoyed and belittled when they do actually speak to you it holds no value to you- goes right over you.
I’m sure they mean well you tell yourself and they don’t mean to be insensitive but it’s not healthy for you to hold any real bearings on what they say…
And so that’s how it happens; I think.
The married ones live they’re lives, and always look back at that one single girl from high school that still hasn’t found her zivug.
You know I probably shouldn’t tell her about my kids or my husbands success or anything- keep it to a minimum so she won’t feel bad.
Don’t be stupid.
If you’re really her friend- step up now.
Call her, invite her. Meet up with her at a ice cream shop and shmooze about the good old days.
Tell her about the exciting things in you’re life; like your two- year old dunking his head in the toilet!
But really mean it.
And we know your super uber busy for us- you tell us that all the time; right now isn’t a good time. This time isn’t good for me. My husband this, my kid that….Yadda yadda yadda… You CAN make time. You can show her that she isn’t worthless by giving her the time of day not that you’re time is more valuable than hers.
If you don’t have a boy for her; then don’t mention anything about- oh, I have this boy… But im thinking… Maybe.. Eh… Hmmm- just don’t say anything- think it to yourself- give it a try. You never know.
And if you do think of someone; follow up on it, no one likes being in the dark.
And if its not the right match; find the right way to say it- the way you would want to be treated.
Friendship can work. It is a two way street. If its important enough you will make it work…
But if it isn’t..
Ill just have to assume you have forgotten about me and I’m not that important in your life right now.
So maybe my days will be a lot lonelier and maybe sometimes a bit depressing; hey! Maybe I might have good days too- and maybe I would love to just share it with a friend; I friend I love and cherish– but hey wait; I don’t have any of those anymore…July 15, 2013 4:45 pm at 4:45 pm #966112
wow, took the words (most of them) right out of my heart.July 15, 2013 5:07 pm at 5:07 pm #966113
Wow…..this was in a serial last week:
Those gone are quickly forgotten
But those that go never forget
its the painful truth
I totally feel, but IM the one that left and didnt want to, and it seems no one remembers me……you arent alone, remember that. There are others who understand…..like me
You new here???July 15, 2013 5:18 pm at 5:18 pm #966114
@shopping613 Nope, I started a few years ago… When I was nineteen… That’s 3 years ago.
This is my story…
But it’s not all bad and horrible.
It’s a letter I wanted to send to my high school friends who abandoned me.
I realize that those who stay in your life regardless those are the people you WANT in your life; those are REAL friends.
I sent this to a few of my single friends and they all said that’s exactly how they feel.July 15, 2013 5:47 pm at 5:47 pm #966115
My mom got married somewhat later in life (still in her twenties, but very late twenties). Some of my favorite childhood memories are about her best friend- she used to babysit us, come to us for Shabbos, do our nails, go on Girls Night Out vacations with us, teach us how to swim, and just be an all-around amazing friend to both my mom and her kids. It was after SHE got married that we started getting together less. Now I babysit for her kids.
It really can be done. It must be so hard for you not to be able to have a friendship like that- remember, your friends are losing out too, missing a fantastic friendship with a fantastic friend :).July 15, 2013 6:50 pm at 6:50 pm #966116
Red, i so get you! Ive moved twice this past year, and ive seen who my real friends are!July 15, 2013 6:51 pm at 6:51 pm #966117
ūüźĶ ‚Ć® GamanitParticipant
RedNails19 – is it possible that you aren’t really listening to your friends really feel about marriage? As you know, not every marriage is a happy marriage. It’s possible that your friend was trying to tell you that she isn’t happy, and the way you talk about marriage is difficult for her to hear in her situation.July 15, 2013 9:47 pm at 9:47 pm #966118
Wow, I really feel for you. I’m one of the last 4 single guys in my yeshiva! (well, I guess you can call it just a kollel now lol) I went through too many “best friends” that I’d do everything with, and one by one, I had to replace them lol. It’s much more difficult now, especially when I see all the guys in yeshiva, and they make their marriage jokes. But B’H I don’t think I’m taking it too bad, (we have one guy in yeshiva who’s taking it WAY too rough, it’s mamash making him go nuts!) I try to look at the positives, and focus on them; for instance I can go to all the simchas and stay until much later, (and I’m known to be quite the dancer B’H) I get to learn a full night seder, and a lot more ben hasedarim, and am able to do many things just spontaneously, without having to “check with the boss” (and besides, dorm life is sooo much fun!). I still do pray to HaShem that He send me my zivug soon, because it really is very difficult, but in the meantime, I try to focus on the things I mentioned above, and remember something my Mashgiach used to say: “Marriage is not as good as bachurim think it is, and is not as bad as avrechim say it is”. Best of luck to you Red, hope you find your zivug b’karov mamash!July 17, 2013 11:57 am at 11:57 am #966119
I don’t have much to say but I’ll give you some things that occurred to me while reading.
BTDT and you speak for many other girls out there. I remember a teacher once saying that in high school/seminary, girls have an opportunity that (for the most part) they never have again. And she was probably right. Someone once said that getting married is just exchanging one set of “stuff” for another set. Its a sad fact that after the “transfer”, friends can get caught in the middle, and as a side effect, get hurt.
On a different note if I may: Before marriage or after marriage, you’re a real person and entitled to breathe, think and feel just as much as anyone else is- regardless of a husband. Do your hishtadlus, no more, no less. IY”H (soon!) your right one (and a very lucky one at that!) will come along (and yes, you only need one,) and when the time is right, nothing nothing gonna stop him. Till then, sorry it hurts and keep a sense of humor on hand… It makes things a little easier to digest.
A hug if you like ūüôāJuly 17, 2013 2:03 pm at 2:03 pm #966120
and maybe I would love to just share it with a friend;
You can call her.
It’s obvious you are in a lot of pain. It’s not easy being single in the frum world. You just need to have emunah. Hashem knows what’s best for you.
You may want to find someone professional you could talk to. You have too much pain to handle alone.
And if you can handle some “words of wisdom” from an older single, it does get easier.July 18, 2013 4:43 am at 4:43 am #966121
To those of you who are struggling with this – I hear you and yes I understand your pain. Why? Because I lived through it too. One by one my classmates and other friends all got married. I danced at all their weddings with a big smile on my face. Yes – I was truly happy for them, but inside I wanted to have the same thing. When, when would I be the one in that white gown? Would I ever be the one in that white gown? Yes I started having doubts even though we should always have bitachon. To make matters worse, both of my parents passed away when I was in my early twenties. To make a long story short, I did finally meet my bashert – at age 30! But Baruch Hashem it happened. And Baruch Hashem we were blessed with wonderful children, bli ayin hara, right away!
I just want to say that I daven that it should happen for you very very soon! I also daven that my children should have a much easier time in finding their zivug than I did. May we share simchos b’korov. May you and my children build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisroel very very soon.
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