Sorry that you feel you are being bashed. I am not going to bash you. I went through the same thing. Let’s start with a BT joke.
A BT goes to an Orthodox Rabbi and asks, “Do I need to say Hallel on Thanksgiving?” The Rabbi asks, “What’s Thanksgiving?” So the BT realizes that this Rabbi isn’t going to be able to posken this Shayla, so the BT goes back to the reform Rabbi he grew up with and asks her, “Do I need to say Hallel on Thanksgiving?” She says, “What’s Hallel?” (Hope that makes you feel a little better.)
Oomis made a good point, and asked a good question. Let me try to answer it.
The first principle of doing Tshuva is that it takes time. You can’t go from dancing in clubs one week to not listening to goyishe music the next. I met people who tried it, and a week after they stopped listening to the goyishe music, they were back in the clubs dancing. So the question is, “how long should it take me?” and the answer is it varies from person to person and from hashkafa to hashkafa. In other words, the first GOAL is to acknowledge that listening to the rap music is bad for your neshama. The second GOAL is to start listening less or going cold turkey or whatever works. and guess what’s going to happen after that? You’re going to get really upset about something one day and you’re going to start listening to it again. It’s a battle you will need to fight your whole life. I asked one of my Rebbeim about this once and he told me that as long as you are doing you’re best, then that’s all Hashem wants from you. The FFB’s can talk about this dress or that chumra, but remember 2 things. First they grew up listening to frum music. Second, most of their friends and relatives are doing it too. Because of that, it’s a lot easier for them. Cookie cutter works great when all your friends and relatives do it too. Don’t get upset at them if they can’t figure out why you listen to rap. It’s easy for them to avoid this. You can do yourself a big favor and hide the fact that you listen to this music from the frum public.
Oomis asks whether people who listen to rap are not part of frum society because frum society rejects rap music. Anyone who accepts that they’re not supposed to be listening to this music is just as frum as anybody else. Let me give an example. Is anyone who speaks loshon Hara not frum? Now the answer is obvious. We all speak loshon hara. If you accept that it’s wrong, then you are frum. If you think it’s O.K. to speak loshon hara, then you aren’t. My experience was that sooner or later an opportunity comes along to break the Yetzer Hara for listening to music (or speaking loshon Hara ). The question is how will you react to that opportunity. Will you say, “Wow, this is my big chance to break that bad habit?” For instance, Sefira or the three weeks can be golden opportunities to make progress from wherever you happen to be holding vis-a-vis goyishe music.
Therefore you probably shouldn’t marry an FFB. They’re probably not going to understand that you need to listen to rap. Even if they do, their families won’t. They struggle with different challenges than we do.
Here’s one more thing that worked for me. When I became frum, I decided to NEVER accept any Chumras. Zero. Even though there are plenty of chumras that I keep, I always do it Bli Neder. I keep Chumras because I find myself in the company of other people who are doing them. I do it to fit in. To use this approach, you need to know what the halacha requires you to do and where the halacha ends and where the chumra begins. And that is another project that you will need to work on for the rest of your life – clarifying what the halacha says about everything from rap music to black stockings. It definitely helps to have somebody to ask. If you don’t have a Rabbi, then call Lisa at the N’vei Yerushalyim office in New York. (I assume you’re in New York.) She’s very open and accepting. She can be your support system temporarily while she finds a different Rav for you.
Anyways, I admire you for wanting to do the right thing.