Dating During the 9 Days

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  • #591968
    shaindel
    Member

    its hard to date during the 9 days!

    #1024668
    oomis
    Participant

    Why – you can’t go out for pizza?

    #1024669
    shaindel
    Member

    nooo they have beards….

    #1024670
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    it’s not hard. you shave, take a shower, polish your shoes and go. If its not the first couple dates, don’t shave. If you never shave in general, also don’t shave just because I said to.

    Some people think you should polish your shoes before the shower. This is a good idea.

    #1024671

    tzuras hayid

    #1024672
    blinky
    Participant

    Why is it really that bad?

    #1024673
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    beards? that’s awful.

    popa would never date someone who had a beard.

    #1024674
    aries2756
    Participant

    This is a real nisayon because you have to depend on your brain and your vocabulary. You really have to talk instead of going out to places. Well what kind of places do you normally go to? If you are worried about background music I don’t think that is a problem because you are not going there to davka listen to music. There are plenty of milchig places to eat or you can go to a fleishig place and eat fish, so that is not a problem. You can still go bowling or to ESPN, so that’s not a problem, so what is exactly the problem? You are allowed to shower and wear clean clothes to date and I am sure that you can shave if you are on a first date or that YOU as the girl can understand that a young man has a 3 week beard.

    What exactly is the hardship?

    #1024675
    myfriend
    Member

    What heter is there for background music? Never heard of any.

    ESPN I wouldn’t go to ANY time of the year.

    And whoever permitted shaving? (A cold shower is okay.)

    #1024676
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    “and whoever permitted shaving?”

    Why must you accuse people of shaving with no heter?

    #1024677
    myfriend
    Member

    Dearest popa: A question is not an accusation. Ah gutte nacht.

    #1024678
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I must have misread the emphasis. sorry

    #1024679

    every girl understands that one cant’ shave. What’s the problem?

    What’s so much more difficult than any other time of year, besides no hot showers, and fresh clothes? am i missing something?

    #1024680
    aries2756
    Participant

    myfriend, just because YOU haven’t heard of any doesn’t mean it is not so. Ask your LOR. And make sure you don’t go into any drug stores, cabs, elevators, dentists, doctor’s offices, etc. They all have background music.

    #1024681
    myfriend
    Member

    Who said otherwise aries? So aries, WHO permits it? Is it something you would LIKE to be permissible, or someone you can source?

    And if it is inconvenient for you to skip the stores, elevators, etc. that has background music, that does NOT make the forbidden permissible.

    #1024682
    aries2756
    Participant

    If it is easier for you skip the stores, elevators, cabs and any place that MIGHT by chance play music during the 3 weeks than understand that it might not be assur to go in because you are not going in to listen to music.

    EDITED

    #1024683
    kapusta
    Participant

    I’m gonna add my two sense in a place where I shouldn’t but I do remember hearing that if someone is listening to the news and there is background music of some sort, its not a problem. (I would think because no one turns on the news to listen to the music in the background.)

    Good Shabbos everyone!

    *kapusta*

    #1024684
    HaQer
    Member

    The whole music during the 3 weeks thing is a minhag to show aveilus. Some even listen to recorded music. The point is not to be happy. Music that might cause you to dance is the real issur. Elevator music does not fall into this category. Perhaps we shouldn’t go in elevators all year because they might play goyish music!

    From what I heard, it is completely mutar to shower, wear clean clothes and shave for a date during the 9 days if it necessary for occasion (first date, etc)

    #1024685
    Max Well
    Member

    But it needs to be a cold shower.

    And which frum girl doesn’t know about not shaving during the 9 days?? That is surely not ever necessary.

    #1024686
    HaQer
    Member

    It doesn’t matter that she knows about shaving during nine days. It is a matter of first impressions. As you can see from the OP, girls know about the problem of shaving and yet still have an issue with it. First impressions are very important when it comes to dating. You can make all kinds of excuses that she should be able to tolerate the beard, she should be able to imagine what you look like without it, but lemayseh, the way she sees you the first time does make a big difference, and therefore many Rabbonim will matter shaving for a date.

    #1024687
    Max Well
    Member

    Can you name a reliable posek who matirs it? (Of course everyone should ask there own posek, but I’ve never heard any matir it.)

    #1024688
    HaQer
    Member

    R’ Moshe Feinstein ZTL mattirs shaving as discussed in the Beard thread.

    Many chashuv yeshivos require their bachurim to shave year-round (not during sefira and 3 weeks). I have heard that some of these same yeshivos will mattir (and even recommend) shaving during 3 weeks and sefira for first dates in order to make a good first impression. (I don’t know if this extends to 9 days or shavua shechal bo)

    #1024689
    gregaaron
    Member

    Other than for Chofetz Chaim boys and possibly MO, I have never heard of any heter to shave for a date during the 3 weeks. Trust me, I wish there was one…

    #1024690
    aries2756
    Participant

    Again, just because a person has not HEARD of it does not mean it doesn’t exist. Ask your LOR. The post just above yours gregaaron states that Reb Moshe Z”TL maatir’d it. So you didn’t do enough research.

    #1024691
    Max Well
    Member

    HaQer: Rav Moshe discussed in the beards thread is regarding during the whole year, not the 3 weeks. And you still haven’t cited any particular R”Y or recognized posek. “Have heard” simply doesn’t “cut it”.

    #1024692
    gregaaron
    Member

    Aries –

    I’m pretty sure the R’ Moshe p’sak is talking about year round, not Sefirah or the 3 weeks. I’m not saying no one says it’s okay, but we don’t go heter-shopping.

    #1024693
    aries2756
    Participant

    Gregaron, NO we don’t go heter shopping, depending on our situation we ask OUR Rav what to do and we don’t look for advice on the internet, we also don’t go by what others tell us they know or don’t know.

    #1024694
    yossi z.
    Member

    Somebody should call harav yisrael belsky

    #1024695

    Ask a Rav about shaving, etc. for dating during the 9 days.

    #1024696
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    My rav was matir me to shave for early dates during sefira and the three weeks. I’m not posting his name.

    The point is though, why are you sitting and bickering on this thread? If you want to know if poskim are matir, call a few. Most of the American poskim speak English and should be able to communicate with you (if you speak English).

    While you’re on the phone with them, ask them if girls are allowed to congregate in the street, why beer doesn’t need a hechsher, if you should get lap-band surgery, what bracha to make on pizza, if fish are muttar, if the internet is muttar, and for a good question to post on my yoreh deah choshen mishpat thread.

    #1024697
    yossi z.
    Member

    But that would ruin a good conversation with facts…..

    #1024699
    Helpful
    Member

    Is the suggestion to close the CR and all questions be directed to a posek only, and no one offer or discuss halachic insights online?

    #1024700
    SJSinNYC
    Member

    If its for a first date, why not postpone it until after Tisha Bav?

    In my MO shul, the men who have no reason to shave (the ones who don’t work in high powered law firms and such) don’t shave.

    #1024701

    Helpful- That is an excellent idea. Except that it will not necessitate closing the CR. We can always talk about trivial things like Sefer Tehillim Worldwide Daily, Pre Tisha Ba’av News: 50% yearn for Mikdash; Lechem HaPanim Ready!, Board Games, Air Conditioner Repairman, Lap-Band Surgery, Bungalow Colonies / Summer Vacation Problems, Help the Saneygor!, Kneidelach for Shabos Kodesh, Screen Names, Diabetes Support Group, Saddest Moving Cantata, Dating During the 9 Days, Cancer Survivor Stories, What is the biggest Chesed that anyone has ever done for you?, passaic whooping 12% property tax increase!!! outside help needed!!, Bunion Surgery, What Is A Young Israel?

    #1024702
    aries2756
    Participant

    popa, but what would we yenta about and who would we judge?

    #1024703
    frimet98
    Member

    So I have to take a cold shower before my date tomorrow night? Brr.

    #1024704
    ari-free
    Participant

    Think of it like…going to the Arizal’s mikva in Israel

    #1024705
    147
    Participant

    Think of it like…going to the Arizal’s mikva in Israel in Tzfas, especially this coming Friday on his 442nd Johrzeit, when it shall be very crowded.

    Meanwhile, when the rest of us are focused on rebuilding of 3rd Bais haMikdosh, what an opportune time to go on a date & work on building our own Mikdosh Me’at.

    #1024706
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Frimet:

    1. You’re 16. You shouldn’t be dating

    2. Cold shower means not hot. But I assume your rav is ok with mixing in hot water so that it is only room temperature or so, but not freezing. Ask.

    #1024707
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant
    #1024708
    nystatetrooper
    Participant

    Just b mature about it so you’ll go out with a guy who has beard if it comforts but to hear it will be off within 8 days ( btw I’m also 16 frimet98)

    #1024710
    eman
    Participant

    I asked a shailoh about shaving for a date during sefirah, and my Rebbe told me that if the girl has a problem with you being unshaven during sefirah, she is not the right girl for you.

    #1024711
    ironpenguin
    Member

    Many girls are anxiously waiting for the phone to ring and would be happy to go out at any time. Instead of whining that guys come hairier and you can’t go to Dougie’s, be happy that you are spending time with someone who is considering marrying you.

    And guys are hairy, that’s just the way they come, clean shaven is unnatural for them.

    Besides, it’s easier to go to milchig places, food is neat and pretty and occasionly cheaper.

    Have fun! And you can still get engaged on Tisha B’av to save on L’chaim cake!

    #1024712
    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    Came upon this thread, I don’t recognize practically anyone here!!!!

    I personally do room temperature…

    frimet and mystatetrooper: me too!!! Go sweet 16

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