June 24, 2011 7:55 pm at 7:55 pm #597621SilentOneMember
This prayer written by a child of divorced parents, should perhaps be mandatory reading for any couple with children, who is contemplating divorce. Maybe parents who have “thrown in the towel”, giving up all hope on their marriage – after reading this prayer and feeling the child’s pain – will decide to “dig deeper” into their emotional resources to find a solution for the marriage to work, so that their children should be spared such pain. (Of course in some instances with unstable, abusive parents, the children are better off with living with the one stable non-abusive parent; divorce is then the only solution).
My dear Father in Heaven
Please hold me tight and see the pain in my heart
To make me feel happy and secure
My own father is so far away from me
And I see him so few times
That I feel so sad and so alone without him
He is never able to make Kiddush for me or read me a story to put me to bed
Only You Hashem can take care of me and care for all my needs
Never again will I have to go to bed or wake up alone
For You Hashem shall be with meJune 24, 2011 9:35 pm at 9:35 pm #780869
This is really moving. I’m sure that children of divorced parents have a deeper conection with Hashem because He is the One who they can count on to always be there for them, and these kids are constantly talking to Him in every thing they do.June 26, 2011 4:46 am at 4:46 am #780870adocsParticipant
silent one –
very nice, but the prayer automatically assumes that it’s the father that is not there. not always the case.June 26, 2011 9:25 am at 9:25 am #780871haifagirlParticipant
If I had written a prayer when I was a child, it would have been like this:
Dear Father in Heaven,
Please help my parents to have the strength they need to do what’s right.
Please help them to find the happiness with other people that they don’t have together.
Please don’t make me live my whole life with parents who are suffering the misery of being together.
I would urge all parents who stay together “for the sake of the children” to realize what they are doing to those children. Would you like to grow up with the knowledge that because of you your parents remained in a miserable situation?June 26, 2011 11:20 am at 11:20 am #780872
“but the prayer automatically assumes that it’s the father that is not there.”
The prayer assumes nothing.
Did you miss the OP:
“This prayer written by a child of divorced parents”
The child knows which parent is missing.June 26, 2011 3:03 pm at 3:03 pm #780873me 2Member
Haifa girl, maybe your prayer should be more focused on the parents not being lazy and not willing to bend. Sure there is a point where meschetas gittin needs to be practiced BUT not as frequently as it is. Try reading the River the Kettle and the bird it will change your perspective and your life.June 26, 2011 3:17 pm at 3:17 pm #780874
Yes, divorce is a plague that comes too easily in our poor generation.June 26, 2011 3:21 pm at 3:21 pm #780875MiddlePathParticipant
I think many people don’t realize how difficult life is for a child of divorced parents. Sometimes, a child of divorced parents can actually have it worse than a child with a deceased parent. This can be due to a lack of sympathy and care that a child of divorced parents so desperately needs, yet people tend to not want to get involved in such a “messy” situation. And often, the child has essentially “lost” a parent. On the other hand, sometimes a child with a deceased parent, though an extremely difficult thing to deal with, receives sympathy, care, and attention, since people, thankfully, rise to the occasion when they hear of an untimely death.
This isn’t always the case, but it happens enough for it to be said.June 26, 2011 4:03 pm at 4:03 pm #780876me 2Member
We need to make ourselves sensitive to what marriage is and what it isn’t we have preconceived false western expectations, about what marriage is and it can’t and wasn’t meant to be that. Its very sad to see so many people falling into the pit which destroys families and individuals.June 26, 2011 4:05 pm at 4:05 pm #780877adocsParticipant
am yisrael chai—-
did you read the prayer?
…My own “father” is so far away from me
And I see “him” so few times
That I feel so sad and so alone without “him”
“He” is never able to make Kiddush for me or read me a story to put me to bed
how can you say that it’s not assuming the father?June 26, 2011 4:23 pm at 4:23 pm #780878ZeesKiteParticipant
Isn’t there something of Rabbeinu Gershon to listen in on someone else’s conversation? Who poked in their head when this child was talking to HaShem?June 26, 2011 4:25 pm at 4:25 pm #780879
I thought Rabbeinu Gershon was about not opening private mail. Does it apply to conversations too?June 26, 2011 4:27 pm at 4:27 pm #780880
You won’t believe how many Reshayim out there -telling others to get divorced. Why don’t they practice what they preach and get divorced themselves?June 26, 2011 4:30 pm at 4:30 pm #780881
halfagirl – I share your feelings. The notion that children are definitely better off with their parents married is false. Raising children in a home full of acrimony and tension is far more emotionally destructive than having them brought up in peace by a single parent. In a home full of hostility, every day can bring new pain, guilt, and scarring. SOMETIMES it is better to yank off the band-aid and make a clean split even if it will entail a great deal of pain and difficulty. I imagine that this is not easy to hear for someone who experienced the pain of their parents’ divorce but there are two sides to every coin.
My prayer would sound like this:
Dear Father in heaven
Bring me to a place where there is no screaming
Where I will be a pawn no longer
A place both stable and serene
Free of insult and guilt
All who see me do not understand
Everything seems to be just fine
They know not of the hate
That surrounds me on all sides
Only You see the truth
Of what really goes on
Give her the strength to take us and leave
To build anew in peaceJune 26, 2011 4:34 pm at 4:34 pm #780882
Give her the strength to take us and leave
How about he takes the children and leaves. Don’t assume she can take them and leave.June 26, 2011 4:37 pm at 4:37 pm #780883
Sof Davar – Does this include if the parent raising the kids in peace, isn’t going to be Frum or not that Frum anymore?June 26, 2011 4:40 pm at 4:40 pm #780884
Shein – I wasn’t assuming anything. It is a prayer of what I, as a child, would have asked from Hashem.June 26, 2011 4:42 pm at 4:42 pm #780885MiddlePathParticipant
Sof Davar, I can relate to your prayer. It is somewhat comforting to know there are others who went through similar types of hell. But of course, every situation is different. I don’t think I should write my own prayer on this forum, because I think people would be too appalled and frightened at what I’ve gone through. But I encourage others to write their own, if they feel it fitting.
Haifagirl, I wholeheartedly agree with your statement. It’s a shame that people don’t always think about the effects of their actions, especially on such a serious level.June 26, 2011 4:50 pm at 4:50 pm #780886
Middle Path – I understand what you mean. My prayer, of course, did not include all of the grizzly and sick details. I appreciate your use of the word “hell”. that is the very same word that I use in my mind when reflecting on my childhood home.June 26, 2011 4:57 pm at 4:57 pm #780887June 26, 2011 5:23 pm at 5:23 pm #780888
SD -“First of all, if a parent is at the point of not being frum, they will not refrain from divorce in order to keep the children in a frum home.”
Well what about the scenario- were perhaps the Parent would remain Frum or remain Frummer if they remained in the marriage? Or your only concern is happiness and no discord in the family?
“Secondly, there cannot be a general rule about that because every home is different.”
Ok, so why are you generalizing that everytime there is discord- the kids will go OTD? I got news for you, a lot of the families from my parent’s generation had plenty of discord and most of the kids didn’t go OTD!
There is a very big Machla in our generation with e/o pushing divorce instead of pushing both parents into therapy to try to make it work. E/o is all of a sudden a marriage expert and they know that things are always better after divorce. The grass is always greener on the other side! I got news for you – 9 out of 10 times, divorce is the wrong solution!June 26, 2011 5:29 pm at 5:29 pm #780889
sof davar: If there is friction in the home, don’t be so confident that the parent responsible for the friction will have custody, and there will still be as much or more friction in the next home.June 26, 2011 5:33 pm at 5:33 pm #780890
I did not generalize at all. I did not say that every time that there is “discord” the kids will go “OTD”. Had I said that, it would have been quite foolish of me to not realize that I myself an example of where that was not the case (although I cannot say the same for all of my siblings).
I was quite clear to say that every case is different and that “in some cases…”
If I may go one step further, I will point out the irony of the way you criticized me for generalizing and in the next paragraph informed me of your “news” that 9 out of 10 times…
p.s. thanks for the nickname “SD”. I like it.June 26, 2011 5:36 pm at 5:36 pm #780891
shein – it is certainly possible that that could happen. It is the job of the courts to try and ensure that the healthier parent gets custody. In any case, should the possibility that things will not be better be a reason to leave the status quo?June 26, 2011 5:42 pm at 5:42 pm #780892
The courts? Surely you jest. The courts make the wrong decision more times than not.June 26, 2011 5:43 pm at 5:43 pm #780893
In any case, should the possibility that things will not be better be a reason to leave the status quo?
The change can be worse than the status quo.June 26, 2011 5:47 pm at 5:47 pm #780894
“The courts? Surely you jest.”
Would that make me “The Court Jester”?
Sorry, couldn’t resist.June 26, 2011 5:48 pm at 5:48 pm #780895
“The change can be worse than the status quo.”
So are we not to try to fix problems?June 26, 2011 5:54 pm at 5:54 pm #780896
Divorce is usually the wrong fix. There are a lot more appropo fixes.June 26, 2011 5:55 pm at 5:55 pm #780897popa_bar_abbaParticipant
Since our community attaches such a strong stigma to divorce, I think it is fair to assume that it probably happens less often than it should.
So I think if someone is on the fence, they should probably go for it.June 26, 2011 5:59 pm at 5:59 pm #780898
The stigma has unfortunately been removed. So it happens far too frequently.June 26, 2011 6:04 pm at 6:04 pm #780900
Any therapist worth their salt will tell you that not everyone is a candidate for therapy. In a situation where both partners have an interest in working to make a better marriage, I doubt that many people would say that they should get divorced. However, in a situation where one party is too self centered to acknowledge that they have a problem and carries on with attitude and behavior that speaks of lack of concern for anyone else (even those whom they profess to love), that person is not a candidate for therapy (and would likely never agree to go).
“There are a lot more appropo fixes.”
Aside from therapy, could you please elaborate.June 26, 2011 6:07 pm at 6:07 pm #780901
As a child whose parents divorced, as a little girl, I can tell you the OP as written above is true. I suffered very much with out my father. Even as an adult today, who has built her own life, with a family of her own, I sometimes cry and remember how awful it felt to lose him. How I loved my father.
Even with his unacceptable behaviors, and addiction to alcohol, if only my mother had have had the strength of charachter to be patient and guide him I am sure we would have benefited from having him remain in our family home as a unit rather than the breakdown what occured.
And even as he was …..as a child…he was still perfect to me.
I love coffee: You are correct in what you say as far as children of divorce having a close connection with Hashem, I have often thought that it was a bracha I wasn’t raised in my aunt’s kind calm homey atmosphere as Life would have been Perfect in itself, and I wouldn’t have had to search for G-d.
Sof dvar, You are right in what you say, that the screaming in a home, is abusive to children. I remember as a child literally feeling physical pains in my body when angry words were thrown back and forth. I felt as if shars of glass were piercing through me, the pure medium.June 26, 2011 6:07 pm at 6:07 pm #780902
Very few couples considering divorce would not benefit from therapy. Most divorces could have been prevented. Future divorces should be prevented.June 26, 2011 6:21 pm at 6:21 pm #780903
Always runs – Thank you for eloquently sharing your personal experience and feelings.
“I felt as if shars of glass were piercing through me, the pure medium.”
I am awed at how you so perfectly captured that feeling.
I am glad that you have been able to see the positive of your situation, i.e. how it brought you closer to Hashem. On good days I can do this as well.
Shein – Could you please explain the strength of your convictions on this matter? What makes you so convinced that in such an overwhelming majority of cases, divorce is the wrong choice? Where do your numbers and information come from?June 26, 2011 6:23 pm at 6:23 pm #780904
SD -“Any therapist worth their salt will tell you that not everyone is a candidate for therapy. In a situation where both partners have an interest in working to make a better marriage, I doubt that many people would say that they should get divorced. However, in a situation where one party is too self centered to acknowledge that they have a problem and carries on with attitude and behavior that speaks of lack of concern for anyone else (even those whom they profess to love), that person is not a candidate for therapy (and would likely never agree to go).”
What you post makes sense. If the therapist says give up -fine.
But this isn’t true in a lot of cases. I was willing to go for more therapy and so was my ex, but her “friends” convinced her not to try anymore and that she is better off getting divorced.
After the divorce even her “friends” see how wrong they were!June 26, 2011 6:55 pm at 6:55 pm #780905
Health – Thank you for giving context to your statements. I am glad to see that we are not really in disagreement, merely referring to different circumstances.
I have a couple of friends who had some really rocky times in their respective marriages and have both considered divorce. It was clear to me that for each of them, the case was one where both they and their spouse were troubled by the state of the marriage and were ready to accept their share in the problems as well as the responsibility of changing things. I encouraged each of them to commit themselves and work to make things better. I was thrilled to watch both of them rebuild their homes stronger and healthier. I say this lest anyone think that I chas v’sholom think that divorce is a lichatchila and that the best way out of the problem is the fastest.
My point in all that I have written here is that divorce is not always the most tragic solution. There are many times when it is healthier and the right thing to do. Many women who don’t leave their situations are not doing it to make it work for the kids but rather out of cowardice. It can be very scary to face one’s family and community and admit that their marriage failed. The prospect of dealing with the finances of a home on top of everything else is daunting. I am not judging woman who lack this courage, merely pointing out the effect that it can have on their kids.
I say this not only from my own experience, but after seeing many, many kids in this situation.
To play silly games of guessing and arguing which problem is more prevalent/damaging is pointless. The only One who can no that is Hashem. Anyone else is merely speculating based on their own feelings/agenda.
I am not and have not making/made any statements to belittle the plight of children of divorced homes. I am merely pointing out that children from a married home can be no less the victim and sometimes deserve to be released from their situations.June 26, 2011 8:55 pm at 8:55 pm #780906
“I don’t think I should write my own prayer on this forum, because I think people would be too appalled and frightened at what I’ve gone through.”
For some this may be true. For others, you may be the chizuk & inspiration that they need. There is always someone else in a similar situation (different, but similar).
If you decide not to write because of your own personal reasons, that’s understandable.
But please don’t write because of what others may think.
You’re in a unique position to help others in a similar position.
As middlepath wrote above, “Sof Davar, I can relate to your prayer. It is somewhat comforting to know there are others who went through similar types of hell.”June 27, 2011 12:15 am at 12:15 am #780907
When you, (kids of divorced parents) were growing up how did you deal with the fact that your parents are divorced? For me its kind of hard to make new friends and become social with people. Once they know that your parents are divorced thay are like “oh”, and then I feel them starting to get distant. Sometimes I hate it that my parents are divorced even though I know its for the best. I just hate it when people look at me strangely and start judging me.
I am not upset with anyone that my parents are divorced. If anything I am happy and proud that my mother had the courage to get divorced. Except, there are so many times I wished I had a father. I cant help but feel sorry for myself. But at the same time as I wrote earlier, it did bring me closer to Hashem. Whatever some ordinary kid would ask their father for, I went straight to Hashem.June 27, 2011 12:18 am at 12:18 am #780908
I don’t understand. Just because your parents are divorced doesn’t mean you don’t have a father. (Unless the mother didn’t let him see the child.)June 27, 2011 12:24 am at 12:24 am #780909
Its more of a complicated situation. The point is that once my parents divorced (for the good) i never saw him again.June 27, 2011 12:29 am at 12:29 am #780910
That’s another reason why divorce is so terrible for both the parents (the father in your case) and the children (who lost a parent as a result).June 27, 2011 1:18 am at 1:18 am #780911tzippiMember
I feel terrible for all of you who have ongoing poor or non-existent relationships with your non-custodial parent. And divorce is never easy on the kids – the build up and transition are always going to be tough.
But doesn’t anyone out there know healthy children of divorce? I do. There are people who manage to do right by their kids.June 27, 2011 1:29 am at 1:29 am #780912
It’s a roll of the dice. Not worth the risk, when there are better alternatives.June 27, 2011 1:42 am at 1:42 am #780913
Again, Shein, can you please explain how you have come to be so knowledgeable on the subject to be able to make such definitive blanket statements?June 27, 2011 2:20 am at 2:20 am #780914
There is an expression that goes “When there is a divorce – they don’t go handing out sweets”. Meaning that there are never parties, or compliments but usually bitter accusations and terrible allegations, one against the other.
I love coffee: If you have been the victim of parental alienation you could always try to investigate the situation objectively as an adult, wherein sometimes the mother tries to paint the father in a bad light, and seemingly “protects the children from him”. Where as it may be far from the truth.
Always give the other side a chance to explain why they broke up and hear out your father.
Google Parental Alienation.
I should know – I was a victim of it.June 27, 2011 2:46 am at 2:46 am #780915
Shein and arwsf: oh dont worry. I was old enough to understand why my parents divorced and the reason why I dont see my father today is because I didnt want to. It’s a sad case but I cant change the facts the way they are. I just have to deal with the truth and know what is best for myself.
Tzippi: Baruch Hashem my family moved on and we are leading very healthy lives. It’s just sad that that had to be my fate, but thats the truth. We try to lead a true Torah life and have many rabbanim guiding us. I cant thank my mother enough for what she has done for me. Who knows what could have happened to me if my mother didnt divorce. I would have been an unhappy child in an unhealthy family chas v’shalom.June 27, 2011 3:13 am at 3:13 am #780916
‘Parental alienation…wherein sometimes the mother tries to paint the father in a bad light, and seemingly “protects the children from him”.’
It could be the other way around, too, where the dad alienates the child(ren) from the mom.June 27, 2011 3:21 am at 3:21 am #780917
“Just because your parents are divorced doesn’t mean you don’t have a father. (Unless the mother didn’t let him see the child.)”
Blaming the mother carte blanche is unrealistic.
Perhaps the dad went otd. Maybe the dad doesn’t want the responsibility of being a parent. There are other possible scenarios which you can come up with if you think about it.June 27, 2011 3:37 am at 3:37 am #780918
Whoa, take it easy guys. No one is painting mothers carte blanche.
I just made a statement about a hypothetical situation that can and does happen sometimes.
WHich by the way is a very usful tactic in getting rid of the EX, for some. And is very common in America. And which goes undetected by Courts and the professionals involved, for the most part, but the damage is deep. And which does exist. Burying your head under the sand about it will not change it.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.