Adar Jokes

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  • #591239

    ty
    Member

    A harmless dummy hung in the spirit of Purim in Chicago somehow turned into a rescue effort yesterday after police and paramedics arrived at the scene thinking that a dummy was a real person.

    Some bochurim at Telshe Yeshiva in Chicago, in honor of Chodesh Adar, created a Mishenichnas Adar sign and hung it on the front of their dormitory building. The bochurim, in their creativity, made it look like a person – a dummy – hanging up the sign had lost his balance and was hanging on for dear life on the high window sill while the fallen ladder sat below.

    Wishing everyone a joyful month of Adar.

    #1134359

    A600KiloBear
    Participant

    BS”D (back only until Shushan Purim and ONLY for Purim spirit)

    Little Horeshtigoleh* Ahmadinejad, the seven year old illiterate daughter of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (aka Homon) and his wife Azam Farahi (Zeresh ishtoi) is being hailed as a hero for turning Iran into a nuclear state and thereby enabling her depraved father to impotently threaten the world once again.

    “All I did was to figure out how to use the microwave that Mommy brought home from the city dump last year,” the young girl said. “Mommy is too busy walking the streets and checking everyone’s veils to make dinner for me when I come home from madrassa, so I had to figure out how to make hot goat rinds myself. The microwave Mommy bought doesn’t have a door because Mommy said microwave doors are un-Islamic so I asked my brother Agag to teach me how to microwave with the door open, and he said he would in exchange for my 10 copies of “Farida and the Revolutionary Guards” comics that I can’t read anyway.

    So he stuck a pencil where the door was supposed to close and he taught me what the word “ON” looks like. I am so happy I was born a girl because I don’t have to learn to read the way Agag does. He is 13 years old and he can even read four letter words – he is SO smart! Then I pressed the button the way Daddy wants to do to the Zionists and boom, the whole microwave blew up and when Mommy came home she said Daddy would be so proud of me because Agag and I were glowing in the dark and that means our glorious Pistachio Republic is now a nuclear state!”

    * I promise, this is NOT an obscene word in Farsi because a few Persians might hang out here, but if you go to a Persian restaurant and order this you might get a few odd stares.

    #1134360

    ty
    Member

    Subject: Ten reasons for celebrating Purim.

    1. Making noise in shul is a mitzvah.

    2. Levity is not reserved for the Levites.

    3. If you’re having a bad hair day, you can always wear a mask & no one will know who you are.

    4. Purim is easier to spell than Khanuka, Chanukah, Chanuka, Hanuka — the Hebrew name for the Festival of Lights.

    5. You don’t have to kasher your home and change all the pots and dishes.

    6. You don’t have to build a sukkah and eat outside.

    7. You get to drink wine & you don’t have to stand for Kiddush.

    8. Mordechai – 1; Haman – 0.

    9. You won’t get hit in the eye by a lulav.

    10. You can’t eat hamentaschen on Yom Kippur.

    11. Mordechai – 1 ; Haman – 0!!!!

    Subject: White House Purim.

    The first Jewish President of the United States has been inaugurated, and the first Jewish holiday that follows is Purim. So he calls up his mother to invite her to the White House for Purim.

    Their conversation goes something like this:

    Prez: Mom, with Purim being the first holiday after my inauguration, I want to celebrate it with us at the White House.

    Mom: Oh, I don’t know. I’ll have to get to the airport and…

    Prez: Mom! I’m the President of the United States! I’ll send a limo for you to take you right to the airport!

    Mom: OK, but when I get to the airport, I’ll have to stand on the line to buy a ticket and check my baggage. Oh, it will be so difficult for me.

    Prez: Mom, don’t worry about standing on lines or any of that. I’m the most powerful person in the world. I’m the President. I’ll send Air Force One for you!!

    Mom: Well, OK. But when I get to Washington, I’ll have to find a cab and…

    Prez: Momma, please! I’ll have a helicopter waiting for you. It will bring right to the White House lawn!!!

    Mom: Well, yeah. But where will I stay? Can I get a hotel room…

    Prez: Momma, we have this whole big White House!!!! There will be plenty of room!!!! Please join us for Purim?

    Mom: Ok, I’ll be there.

    Two seconds later, she calls her friend:

    Mom: Hello, Sadie?!! Guess what? I’m spending Purim at my son’s house!!

    Sadie: Oh, the doctor?

    Mom: No, the other one.

    #1134362

    ty
    Member

    Subject: One Breath.

    “Why were the ten sons of Haman hanged in one breath (a reference to the custom of publicly reading the names of the ten executed sons in one breath)? –

    In order to ensure that the Supreme Court would not issue a restraining order in the meantime.”

    #1134363

    smartcookie
    Member

    Welcome back Kilo600. Nice to hear from you !!

    #1134364

    A600KiloBear
    Participant

    BSD (Thanks Smartcookie but I’ll be gone Shushan Purim :))

    Kind of an oldie, a rehash of one of the first Creedmoor posts anywhere:

    Give your matnois le’evyoinim money to the Federal Koilel Relief Fund:

    We provide essential aid such as free 2000 dollar sheitlach, Prada tichlach, Lexus repair and lease payments, new chandeliers, and lavish simchas including simcha outfits to Federal Koilel almonos, meaning women whose husbands are learning in FK and did not leave them with access to the offshore bank accounts, so that they can support themselves and their “yesoimim” with the bare essentials of the pre-Federal Koilel haimish lifestyle.

    How often do we hear the cry of a “Federal Koilel yosoim”: “Mommy, Tatty’s partner is out and his son is having a huge Bar Mitzvah because he was smart enough to moiser Tatty!” “All the other girls wear a new Shabbos dress every week and I’ve been wearing the same Prada for 2 months now ever since Abba went away!”

    And what of the eishes chayil who is embarrassed to tell her neighbor whose husband is now on trial himself: “Byla, I ripped my Prada tichel last night and Gimpel is in Otisville again! Can’t you lend me one?”

    The cries of those who are suffering are heard in the boutiques and department stores, in the car dealerships and at the shaitelmacher’s, where their huge and frequent orders often brought parnosso, cash, no questions asked, to our local merchants which enabled them to keep overcharging the rest of us poor schnooks who pay on credit.

    Help these poor children and women whose fathers and husbands have done so much to get their names on the buildings where you daven and learn by sending your matnois le’evyoinim gelt to us.

    #1134365

    d a
    Member

    The first Jewish Holiday after inauguration day is Chanuka, but anyways!

    #1134366

    goody613
    Member

    no its not inaugeration is in february

    #1134367

    ty
    Member

    it’s in jan.

    #1134368

    oomis
    Participant

    I thought the Inauguration was on January 21st.

    #1134369

    d a
    Member

    I KNOW the Inauguration was on January 20th.

    #1134370

    ronrsr
    Member

    from 1793-1933, Inauguration day was March 4th. The 20th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States changed Inauguration Day to the 20th of January.

    I quote from Section 1 of that amendment:

    “Section 1. The terms of the President and Vice President shall end at noon on the 20th day of January, and the terms of Senators and Representatives at noon on the 3d day of January, of the years in which such terms would have ended if this article had not been ratified; and the terms of their successors shall then begin.”

    Chanukah and Purim also occur on definite days, though that is not to be found in the Constitution.

    #1134371

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    A600KiloBear: you outta have more in store for us, keep em coming!

    #1134372

    A600KiloBear
    Participant

    BS”D

    I received the following from a drinks distributor who is very concerned about underage drinking on Peerim:

    “I can provide you with kosher lemehadrin Iranian alcohol free turpentine from the same barrel that Homon drank from before he went up on the 50 amois swing set. $300 a gallon is 20% off the usual price of $200 a gallon and it is under the hashgocho protis of Erev Rav Yishmoel Dovid Weiss and Haham baLeylot Ahmadinejad of Teheran. Please fax as many credit card numbers and bank transfer details to my associate Mgobongo Akadele Prince in Nigeria and I’ll ship 3 gallons out to you in time for you to serve the turpentine at your Purim event. (Yes, turpentine burns and you can use whatever is left to set an insurance fire to cover the cost of the turpentine!)”

    #1134373

    A600KiloBear
    Participant

    BS”D

    A harmless dummy hung in the spirit of Purim in Chicago

    —-

    They should have hanged a harmful dummy in Teheran instead!

    #1134374

    A600KiloBear
    Participant

    BS”D

    Ahmed, a Hamas terrorist, showed up ready for work at a Tzahal base in Shomron. The soldiers on base were terrified as they attempted to somehow stop him from detonating himself as he had entered when they were eating in the mess hall one Thursday night.

    All of a sudden, Getzel, a haredi reservist serving as a mashgiach, started to speak to Ahmed in Yiddish, to the surprise of his fellow soldiers who nearly shot him instead of Ahmed. Then, the terrorist removed his wires, removed his vest and let sappers throw it away, as he took a broom and swept the kitchen, after which he was served a bowl of cholent.

    Of course, Getzel was now the hero, and his commanding officer wanted to know what he said:

    “Oh, it is quite simple, really. I remember Ahmed when he was a boy, he swept the floors in my uncle’s shlachthoiz (mashcheta) in Geula until they stopped letting Arabs in to work by us. He told me he wanted to join his father who got 71 beautiful brides in Gan Eden when he blew himself up somewhere, so I tell him, listen, my shvigger, she should live long, you know, a long way away from me, now lives with us and believe me, it’s Gehennom, not Gan Eden. And then I ask him, so you want 71 shviggers like your father, that is such a bad Gehennom you can’t even imagine!? So I tell him, Ahmed, take off your jacket, it’s hot, let the soldiers take it and go sweep the floors and I’ll give you a bowl of cholent like my uncle Yossel did every Thursday night, you remember that…..now THAT’S Gan Eden!”

    #1134375

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    Last Purim I got hit by a parked car, tipped over a cordless phone and fell through a window into my house…!!!!!!!!

    #1134376

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    Some1 from Willy came 2 Monsey & Asked if its Purim already, cuz he saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way- Through the driver’s door!!!!!

    #1134377

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    SIGN IN A BANK: Due to the Jewish holiday of Purim we are out of pennies!!! Sorry for the inconvenience…!!!

    #1134378

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    Lichvod Shobbos Koddesh: Chulent is like a credit card. Enjoy now, pay later…!!!

    #1134380

    d a
    Member

    Yesterday, I was so drunk, I couldn’t talk in a straight line…

    #1134381

    BaalHabooze
    Participant

    > B.U.M.P.<

    What did one hungry guest say to the other hungry guest at the party?

    Mishenichnas “hors d’oeuvres” Marbim B’Simchah!

    A freilichin!

    #1134382

    WIY
    Member

    snort

    #1134383

    LeiderLeider…
    Participant

    Things are working out pretty well for awhile when one day Hymie, Morris’ old friend, finds Morris sleeping on a bench in the park.

    “Or Hymie, what should I tell you, it’s a Leap Year this year”!

    #1134384

    BaalHabooze
    Participant

    ok WIY, I had that coming…..

    #1134385

    B.U.M.P A.G.A.I.N

    Baal Habooze- what does B.U.M.P. stand for

    #1134386

    nfgo3
    Member

    Ty, the opening poster, writes in part: “The police and paramedics broke out in laughter, quickly figuring out that the sign and dummy were nothing more than a creative Purim endeavor by the boys.”

    Do you mean to tell us that the police and paramedics have knowledge about Purim pranks? That’s unbelievable – I don’t me that’s terrific, I mean I cannot believe that.

    Who does the public relations for the Chicago frum community? If this story is true, they are doing a remarkable job – or the Chicago cops really know their neighborhoods.

    #1134387

    SayIDidIt™
    Participant

    Its never too early…

    SiDi™

    #1134388

    squeak
    Participant

    We miss the Bear.

    #1134389

    The sons of R’ Chaim Brisker were sitting around and joking(prbly bein hazmanim). R’ Chaim walked into the room and said “[mishenichnas adar…]mishenichnas av m’maaten b’ simcha”. The sons stopped laughing.

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