June 9, 2021 11:42 pm at 11:42 pm #1981613
I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was an adult by then after hearing constantly how lazy and unproductive I am my self-esteem was totally ruined and by now I’m in a deep depression and my marriage is totally falling apart if only we had the tools when I was younger to be able to deal with it in a healthy way life could have been so much better
Ps does any body know of any support group for ADHD in The frum community or somebody I can reach out to to save me
Thanks adhdJune 10, 2021 11:14 am at 11:14 am #1981785ujmParticipant
Relief Resources, 718-431-9501.June 10, 2021 11:27 am at 11:27 am #1981800kollelmanParticipant
Ohel can provide you with therapy and psychiatry services. From the research it seems that ADHD is usually very difficult to treat without meds. It’s probably worth a try.June 10, 2021 11:42 am at 11:42 am #1981832philosopherParticipant
ADHD causes laziness only if you are not occupied with what you enjoy doing. Find a job that interests and stimulates you and you will find that you don’t want to stop working. ADHDs are generally very creative and smart and it is extremely hard for them to do occupy themselves with something they do not like to do. Don’t use ADHD as an excuse to take the easy road in life and do nothing because it is just an excuse, you need to want to be productive. If you know what you enjoy working in/with then go for it. If you don’t know what you enjoy doing then explore what your interests are and turn it into a way to make an income.June 10, 2021 1:39 pm at 1:39 pm #1981896MadeAliyahParticipant
These guys have the perfect solution for you: Get spanked.June 10, 2021 1:39 pm at 1:39 pm #1981916Shimon NodelParticipant
I have ADHD. I don’t perceive it as a problem, an obstacle, not even a disorder. It is who I am and part of my personality. It is what sets me aside from most. I think differently and see the world differently. Use it to your strengths. Take advantage of it. It is only a disorder in the eyes of others. It becomes a disorder for you when you succumb to other’s control. Don’t let them dictate to you about your perceived ‘disorder.’ If they want to help and give advice or words of encouragement, then that’s great. With more people, you can learn new insights. If they are just trying to be the opposition, the you must ignore them as if they were flies because that’s what they are to you.
Laziness and depression start to manifest from adhd only when you despair of hope. If you make a plan and set up a routine, (routine and focus is a major challenge) you’ll start to realize you’ve never had such good days in your life as these, and you’ll wonder at how awesome life can be. Forming a deep connection through tefila will also help immensely.June 10, 2021 4:47 pm at 4:47 pm #1981937
The problem becomes when the Rabbi tells you to be normal to look at what your neighbor does and do what he does because that’s what your wife needs how are you not supposed to feel bad about yourself knowing that I will never be able to be my neighbor I can only be myselfJune 10, 2021 6:22 pm at 6:22 pm #1981973kollelmanParticipant
Your rabbi is trying to point you in the right direction, but he might not be aware of the details and struggles that you have. As others mentioned above ADHD people have a hard time keeping to a routine. If you can schedule yourself (and follow it!), great. Otherwise, wallowing in self-pity and despair will probably send you spiraling out of control.
It’s best to do whatever is necessary to help yourself. Some have success with “mindfulness” – paying attention to breathing, davening, etc. to stay in the moment. It trains the brain to focus and can help in the long-run. But if it’s wreaking havoc on your life, it might be wise to discuss medication with a professional – even if only used temporarily while working on yourself.
All the bestJune 10, 2021 6:56 pm at 6:56 pm #1981983
One more thing to add to what I mentioned before. Naturally, we all seek love outside. But true lovers love themselves as well. If you hate yourself, you will destroy yourself and that is not going to allow humanity to succeed on earth. True love is not found in others, it is found within the neshama. Once you have made a commitment to love yourself, to never harm yourself, then you have the capability to love others like you love yourself and share that love with the loving world we live in. If you don’t love yourself and you teach others to love, in essence, you have taught them hate as well and that accomplishes nothing except destruction.June 10, 2021 8:52 pm at 8:52 pm #1981991
I must have mentioned something the moderator didn’t like so the other post wasn’t posted. Just remember it says who is wise? One who learns from every human. There are life skills everyone has that can teach you about life. Whether Jew or non Jew. In matters of pikuach nefesh, leave no stone unturned.June 10, 2021 8:53 pm at 8:53 pm #1981982Shimon NodelParticipant
Full disclosure, I’m single so I cannot relate. Still, it seems like you need a new Rabbi yesterday. He may be an outstanding talmid chacham, but he clearly isn’t at all knowledgeable about adhd. He is giving you a bad eitzah. You should get a new Rabbi or at least have two, one of which can properly advise you.
Your wife doesn’t need you to be more like your neighbor, she didn’t marry your neighbor. She needs you to be the best YOU. There is only one you, so be yourself and be the best YOU can using only your strengths and potential. She will truly come to appreciate you and realize you are the best man in the entire world.June 10, 2021 9:50 pm at 9:50 pm #1981998yytzParticipant
Seriously, call Moshe Stamler in Lakewood! You’ll be glad you did! He’s an expert on the subject with much experience with young adults in this situation and is a great person.June 10, 2021 9:50 pm at 9:50 pm #1982000
There are many different types of therapies that may be helpful. Personally, the 3 most helpful for me, was music therapy, sand therapy and painting for therapy. When you connect with a song, express you emotions on canvas or in sand, therapists can discuss with you what is going on in the subconscious mind and can guide you to release negative emotions.June 10, 2021 10:17 pm at 10:17 pm #1982003
Thanks for all you input i do take adhd med it helps with my learning but i still can’t sit through davning without going crazy or watch my kids for more than 5 minutes unless I’m doing something that’s very stimulating like playing computer games with them which drives my wife crazy.
Its very hard to love yourself when you’re constantly being put downJune 10, 2021 10:46 pm at 10:46 pm #1982007
Babysitting is not always an easy job as it can be difficult to entertain kids. I think this is also a normal issue to have.June 10, 2021 10:46 pm at 10:46 pm #1982005
Okay. I suspect these are issues everyone suffers from. Most of us can’t sit through davening without going crazy.June 11, 2021 12:02 am at 12:02 am #1982040
There is a clear agenda out there to insist that people go to therapy. To overmedicate people as well. The last issue you mention about people putting you down lies with the one trying to take you down, not your issue to deal with. Bullying is a sign of issues resting on the bully’s head, not yours. But self love includes judging yourself favorably. No one can be a better judge of their own character than themselves. Bullies know this and take advantage of those who have issues judging themselves positively. Blame and guilt tripping are used to make you judge yourself negatively. You need to get the inner strength to flip that switch inside of you and realize that when one finger points at you, the rest of the fingers point the other direction.June 11, 2021 12:05 am at 12:05 am #1982014
Remember, we are not the labels and names that describe which body we exist in. We are the neshama inside. A bright loving piece of life itself that is not extinguished by any human. Even anti-psychotics which is designed to be anti neshama, only affects the body, not the neshama. (Psychotic means suffering from psychosis, psychosis comes from the Greek word psukhe which means soul/mind. Hence anti-psychotic is intended to be anti-neshama) we have inner strength, we just need to connect to it.June 11, 2021 12:09 am at 12:09 am #1982012
“It’s very hard to love yourself when you’re constantly being put down”
Oh, I agree. 100%. But the trick is to know that you must not judge yourself negatively. Most who put you down, don’t realize that just because you become sadder than them, doesn’t mean that they are happier than they were before. If someone says you don’t belong, perhaps they feel uncomfortable around you. That doesn’t mean you don’t belong, it means they don’t belong. It means they’re not happy with who they are. Bullies are everywhere. If you’re judging yourself off of other opinions, when will you judge yourself from your own opinion. Many try to take you down because you clearly have a bright neshama, but they cannot take that from you, no matter how hard they try. We say Elokai neshama shenosata bi… Hashem put that neshama in us, viatah mishamrah bikirbi… Hashem guards it inside us. Only you can connect with your neshama inside you. See that neshama for the love that it is, as it is life itself, a chelek elokah… a part of hashem that is your strength within you. Find your inner strength, you can do it.June 11, 2021 1:11 am at 1:11 am #1982059
As far as the depression goes, there is something that worked a bit for me to be happier, that may be helpful for you if you like to connect to Torah for inner strength. I used to lain on my own the shir hashirim with the niggun when I felt depressed and somehow, it made me happier. It might help others, I don’t know because I was never told about it before. It was something I found out on my own. It might be worth a try…June 11, 2021 1:20 am at 1:20 am #1982054
I have avoided answering 2 of your questions, as I am not able to answer them. I understand they are issues that must be addressed. But I believe there are others who see this forum and may have tips to help you entertain your kids or explain how they make it through davening.
Full disclosure: I’m also single, not planning on changing that, but I don’t think these are adhd issues. These are just life skills issues. Other people have other information or life skills that if shared can make the world a better place.
Perhaps life skills that have been useful in solving the other 2 issues of entertaining kids and sitting through unnecessarily long davenings can be shared? Anyone?June 11, 2021 7:53 am at 7:53 am #1982062funnyboneParticipant
Hyper focus. Do things that you enjoy and get absorbed. Find things to do with your kids that you find stimulating.June 13, 2021 12:16 pm at 12:16 pm #1982479bigissyParticipant
@ADHD your either taking the wrong dosage or the wrong meds. The meds should help you for more then 5 min. I was diagnosed when I was 5 or 6. Thankfully im now 41 and no longer take the meds. Can I still use them every so often, yes but BH they aren’t a must. it took a few tries before my Dr found the correct meds and amount. Also you need to have a good psychologist and a psychiatrist to get you on the right drugs and the right amount. your wife might also need a support group/therapy to understand whats going on, because without truly understanding ADHD it will be very hard on her. Our minds work differently, then someone who doesn’t have it and its hard for them to understand. And she needs to be the strength that you dont have. if it wasn’t for my mum and my psychologist I would be who I am today. My mum and Dr directed me in my ways and through living with ADHD. BH, today im a husband and father, does my mind still wonder yes, doubt that will ever go away, but when I need to focus I can. your starting late, so it might be harder for you. but if you have a good support group (family, friends, Drs) then living with ADHD is doable and enjoyable. If I rambled and the comment doesnt flow just blame it on my adhd 😉June 13, 2021 1:00 pm at 1:00 pm #1982494
Thanks for all the support my medicine does work for the day by the time I get home it wears off and she’s late at night around 7:00 to 8:00 and yes it will be great if my wife would understand but she thinks I’m just mentally ill and an addict so yes it’s very hard to feel good about myself knowing that that’s what she thinks of me thanks again for all the supportJune 13, 2021 1:41 pm at 1:41 pm #1982506bigissyParticipant
if its running out at 7 or 8pm. you might want to think about either taking twice a day or looking for extended release. as you should have full day coverageJune 13, 2021 2:13 pm at 2:13 pm #1982536
Thanks for the advice im taking extended release I can’t take it too late because then I cannot sleep at night so I take it early in the morning before daving
My psychiatrist seems to think that it’s normal to run out by 7:00 or 8:00 if you know of a better medicine please let me know right now I’m taking Adderall XR
ThanksJune 13, 2021 10:21 pm at 10:21 pm #1982650Always_Ask_QuestionsParticipant
ADHD, do not try to be like the others. It will depress you … One possible explanation of ADHD is that neural signals fire at multiple places instead of one. That non-ADHD people will be happy doing an assigned task, whether it makes sense or not, an ADHD person will insist on doing something more interesting. There are (unfortunately?) enough people who will do dull routine activities, memories pages by heart. You don’t have to do the same. Contribute what your personality gives. As mentioned above, find what is stimulating in learning, family, just direct it towards the good things. Say, instead of video games, play something more educational or good for their brain, play with alefbeis, chess, bring challenging questions, not sure how old your kids are. You don’t have to do “kamatz-alef” with them, just do what is exciting to you and kids.
In your learning, take a topic that connects multiple issues together and try to resolve them, instead of going systematically through all items. Look at books by Edward Hallowell, I think latest is ADHD 2.0, I found his approach very reasonable.June 14, 2021 12:44 pm at 12:44 pm #1982763AshParticipant
I feel your pain as an adult with untreated ADHD.
i can only echo @bigissy that if with current meds, it’s still affecting your marriage and mental health then it’s vital to <u>stay<u> with a good psychiatrist who can adjust and review the meds until you’ve got a level that works for you.
If your marriage setup is that your wife needs you to babysit 7-8pm, but that the meds have worn off by then and it’s torture to just sit with the kids, then either (most likely) you probably need longer-lasting meds, perhaps with melatonin (crefully timed) to make sure you can still get to sleep.
Or instead offer to get the kids ready for school in the morning when the meds are working fine, and explain that ideal babysitting for you in the evening is torture? Or perhaps it’s necessary to get a nightly babysitter no matter the expense.
Playing video games with kids everytime you’re babysitting would drive any wife crazy, so perhaps music, an exciting book or something else can work that makes it possiblef or you to bear the understimulating activity of babysitting without resorting to activities that make it bearable for you, but aren’t an ideal way to take care of child. I find having a shiur/podcast/music on with wireless earphones and ability to pause with 1 button press makes it possible to watch the kids but also be there when needed.
Take your wife with to psychiatrist! It’s vital she’s with you on the journey and understands your condition and realises what is and isn’t possible.
And yes ADHD has many advantages, it’s part of your character and she married you
Finally maybe try ADHD coaching e.g. Abraham (Avrohom) Beurer 845-459-3164. It’s costs money but can be cheaper than having real marriage issues and requiring couple therapy.
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