Alienating everyone around her

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    I “had” a friend who basically alienated everyone in her life who cared about her. Let me explain. She didn’t have the best upbringing, and a group of us became her family. We got her into sem, we helped her get a job, we helped pay for her wedding etc. Lately, due to major misunderstandings on her part, she has cut many of us out of her life. I’m afraid she’s not stable and she has no support group. What does the CR think we should do?


    Just let her know that you are always there for her, so she can fallback on you if any trouble comes her way. I don’t think pushing her back into a friendship would help. She needs some time to think “the misunderstandings” over. It’s just important that she knows you are there and you care.

    brooklyn magid

    it sounds very normal on her part , let me explain the human nature is such that it hates to be indebted to someone so the more we give to somebody the the less time we hear thank you ,when was the last time a child said thank you to a parent , when was the last time we said thank you to Hashem , but if some stranger does a smallest thing for us we shower them with all the blessing , why is that ? because nobody wants to feel inferior , nobody wants to feel like they need someone , nobody wants to feel like they in need of anything , so it is very normal for someone to whom one gave so much to distance one self and not to have any connections, But in the same time she needs all of you more than you need her and she herself knows it very well but she will never admit to that , so this my humble suggestion

    try to get the relationship back , start slow maybe send her something like a card or an en email or just something else just to get her attention and build slowly , forget all the misunderstanding don’t even mention it unless ofcourse she wants to but otherwise forget about it, in the beginning she will be cold and not friendly but eventually she will be back to her self and guess what you won !!

    hey you have nothing to loose but soo much to gain !!!



    Let her know you’re there for her, for her and not anyone else. Even though you’ve done so much for her, now’s not the time to ask for thank yous

    am yisrael chai

    She may have borderline personality disorder.

    Or perhaps she is in a controlling marriage & he is encouraging her to be isolated from her former sources of support.

    There are many possibilities what is going on with her.

    IMHO, I think it might be best to write her a letter that u will always consider her a friend. You may also wish to explain the misunderstandings in a non-judgmental manner.



    She started doing this to some ppl. even bef. she got married. B”H she is married to a very sweet guy. I think she may be the controlling one in her marrriage. AYC, you may be right about the personality disorder bec. not only has she alienated everyone around her, she spends alot of her time looking at the bad in ppl. and pointing out their faults. It’s just a very bad situation all around.


    You say she had a bad upbringing. You also say she may be the controlling one in her marriage and that she often finds fault in others. It sounds to me like she was emotionally/verbally/or physically abused as a child and probably raised by a parent or parents who did not give her the emotional support and unconditional love a child needs. While you were there for her and helped her get to where she is today, something deep inside her is still wounded from her childhood. Our early childhoods make us who we are today, and change is very hard. You cannot change her if she does not want to change herself.

    am yisrael chai

    Then you may really want to write your observations in a letter. Just make sure it’s non-judgmental & coming from a place of warmth towards this person.

    The rest is up to her.


    if there’s something she’s not seeing, then try to teach her. teach.


    Sometimes Hashem makes you a sheliach and gives you a tafkid to do. Once that job is over its over. You are no longer a necessary part of that person’s life and they need to move on. Please don’t be hurt by it. You did your part and fulfilled your mitzvah. Even though you would like to still be a part of her life and continue to help her, she needs to spread her wings and fly. If she fails, she fails. She will have to learn how to pick herself up, dust herself off and try again. It is up to HER to learn what her friends have taught her from being the best support anyone can have.

    I am quite sure that she will never forget what all of you did for her. She may not be capable of turning around right now and showing Hakaros Hatov. Maybe in the future she will be, or maybe she will only be able to in her heart and never have the seichel or the nerve to do it face to face. Who knows? But know that all of you performed the mitzvos that you were supposed to perform. If you had it all to do all over again, would you do it any differently?


    thank you everyone for your posts. the part that scares me the most is now she is pregnant so I’m so nervous of what type of mom she will be.


    I went through a time in my life where I alienated all my friends. Not sure why and when but that was what happened and the result was…..well bad and good. I guess I was going through a tough stage in high school and I cut off all contact from my close friends. I ended up making lots of new friends but I still miss those that I used to have. Oh well!


    Beinhazmanim: Maybe you need to look at why you need to cling to her after she has given you messages that she needs her space. What is the relationship doing for you?


    Ezrat: It’s not just me. It’s a bunch of us and our families in our neighborhood that feel this way. I am just the only one that is voicing it in the CR.


    What will u do if u determine she is an unfit mother call social services?, she seems to want to separate from all of you now try not to take it personally and give her her space.


    Beinhazmanim, I know someone like that in my neighborhood!!! I wonder if we are talking about the same gal? Makes me crazy! She is only hurting herself!


    talk to a rav. yours or hers (if you know who he is) and explain your concern. sounds like a situation where you need more advice than just the opinions of the cr clan. hatzlacha!

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