An Impossible Wish

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    As Yom Kippur approaches, I make arrangements, as I do every year to go back to my old yeshiva. It is a far cry from the once common practice of people taking off the whole month of elul to attend yeshiva, but for me it is at least something that I can do that takes me back to that atmosphere which is imbued with ruchnious. No blackberries, stock tickers, poll results, etc… What a perfect place to be able to try to become closer to Hash-m during this important time.

    One thing each year always hits me very hard. I observe the bochurim, ages 13-21, totally immersed in their ruchnious, and a primary focus of their davening is that they continue to grow in their ruchnious. Which bochur isn’t mispallel for a good chavrusa? Better hasmoda? Better havannah? Obviously it gives me a sense of longing to go back to that period of innocence and closeness to Hash-m. As someone who is responsible for the finances of my family, bitochen has taking on a new meaning for me, but all the same I am jealous (in a good way) of the bochurim’s levels of torah and yiras shomayim.

    For someone to be longing for the innocence of youth is typical. Here’s what makes me a little sad about the whole thing: I’m only 26 years old, and yet when I look at the yeshiva, it feels like a different (much better) world in another galaxy- one which I can barely relate to. It frightens me how quickly I’ve lost that level, and how far removed I feel from what was just a short time ago my normal life. I thought that maybe when I would be middle aged I would talk about my days in yeshiva as if it were ancient history. However, time is not that kind, and here I am just a few short years from yeshiva, and it feels like a past lifetime.

    My point is a simple and familiar one. Take advantage of the ruchnious opportunities in life, they might be harder to come by later on. Please, if you are reading this, and you have a son in yeshiva, tell them how quickly (and unexpectedly) that wonderful time may came to an end. I did not squander my time yeshiva, but had I known how severe the disconnect would be, I would have given it so much more effort. It pains me greatly to have had a wonderful opportunity and not taken full advantage.

    Hash-m, I wish I could have another chance in yeshiva, I wish I could have that time back!

    An impossible wish indeed.


    To sum it up, Youth is wasted on the young.


    First off, the spritiual longings in the message are truly inspiring. It’s interesting how different people respond to similar stimuli. When I was in yeshiva, I never felt all that connected to the enviornment. It seemed so very contrived and artificial; so other worldly and unreal. I fled the davening in yeshiva every chance I got. It was for that reason that I began to daven for the amud on the Yamim Noraim at age 17; it was an easy way to get out yeshiva. Even now, while I respect and understand the ethereal atmosphere of the yeshiva, I am always an outsider to it. No, it is in schuls populated by people who contend with the challanges and risks of this world where I find my spiritual sustenance.


    KRUNCH, I also long for the days of my youth, when I was first becoming frum and everything was so special, and I did mitzvos and davened with geshmack. Now here I am, thirty years later, dreading eating in a freezing sukah,and UGH,I have to fast!!! now how low is that? I long for the times when I didn’t have to face the yeshivos and principals, when I had respect and trust for any yeshivish or frum person, I long for those days when I was so innocent and trusting, before I got so burned out by so called frum people. This is how life is, and that is how Hashem wants us to grow, it was just so much easier then!


    R’ Krunch, I think you have to endorse yourself for being where you are now. Many 26 y.o’s are not bearing the responsibilities you are doing, so honorably.

    Have you checked out the Shmuz (R. Shafier)? You may find that he’s really talking to you. If not him, there are others who may give you chizuk. Most important of all, do you have someone where you live with whom you have a solid relationship, who can give you hadracha and chizuk?


    Cantoresque, I’m with you! I’ve found the people that are most inspiring to me are the ones who live with Torah, and dont isolate themselves.

    For example, although I keep strictly kosher, it never feels like a big deal to me. When I travel, I like that I am eating tuna out of a can 3 meals in a row. It makes me appreciate what keep kosher is sometimes about. Its almost just too easy in NY.


    i like to take things upon myself that help me connect with god better like ill try to daven with kavana…


    Gila what are you going on a posting binge?! go ahead what ever floats your boat

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