Announcing Pregnancy

FWIW, we told our parents each time as soon as we found out.

If you’re really concerned, ask a Rav.

The Wolf

we never said a word before the first trimester ENDED. And sometimes I just didn’t tell for a while because I couldn’t deal with people telling me I am supposed to be resting and taking it easy etc even though nobody was offerring to take over any of my work.

A funny story is that two days after my mother had a major brain tumor removed I was in ICU with her and I told her I was expecting (I was probably in my fifth month but I don’t show til very late). She looked at me with her very blank post-op face and said, “you think we didn’t know?”

I’m not here to give an opinion either way, by us each time it depended on circumstances. I just want to say (in response to, not in any way criticism of, Wolf) that the few weeks in between the time we knew and we told our parents, it was a beautiful time for us as a couple, sharing this special secret that no one else in the entire world knew about. I felt this way from my first child through my fifth, so much so that when one of my pregnancies slipped past me until I was in my fifth month or so, I still waited a day or two before telling my parents just so that we can savor our secret together…

. I just want to say (in response to, not in any way criticism of, Wolf) that the few weeks in between the time we knew and we told our parents, it was a beautiful time for us as a couple, sharing this special secret that no one else in the entire world knew about.

Well, everyone is different. If that works for you, then by all means, all the more power to you. Every couple has to do what’s right for them. For us it was telling our parents. For you, it wasn’t. 🙂

The Wolf

Wolf: Absolutely! I hope you didn’t take it as any sort of criticism!! In fact I think your kibud av v’aim is commendable as I am sure my parents would have been so touched had I told them as soon as I know… It was kind of selfish on my part to keep the joy from them those extra weeks, when I think about it!

She looked at me with her very blank post-op face and said, “you think we didn’t know?”

Classic. I can really picture her saying that.

I was told that because your parents are davening for you and worrying about you, you should tell them as soon as possible to comfort them.

Syag: or you could say that you have awesome self control. I don’t think I could hold out that long even if I tried!

Here’s my opinion (based on personal experience):

First child – tell parents right away. They are sitting on eggshells. See above comments mentioning Rav Chaim Kanievsky’s opinion

Subsequent children – tell parents as soon as the doctor confirms all is well. Saying this unfortunately from experience.

Regarding people other than parents, there is no reason to announce. They’ll figure it out eventually. Your siblings will have heard within 30 seconds of you telling your parents (even if you tell them not to say…)

Hashem provided an all natural announcement.

First baby, you do tell. You will probably tell anyway since you will want to talk about it with your mother!

After that, most people tell their parents shortly before they start showing, if they don’t live nearby and don’t wish someone else to mention it to their parents.

my sibs generally tell my parents after first trimester or later, but dont tell the siblings til close before they start showing. (and no, my parents don’t tell the other kids!) And with one exception, every single time i’ve known before. Once or twice i even slipped up and said something to the expectant mother, forgetting she hadn’t yet told me about it- oops! By now, when they tell me, they all ask me how long i’ve known. It’s more of a shock for me to find out that others had no idea!

At first, I told my parents and in-laws by the second month, but no one else until well after the first trimester was over. Sadly and ironically, the very moment I told my in-laws (on Chanukah) that we were expecting our second child, within literally 30 seconds, I had begun to realize I was miscarrying. Had I only waited another minute, I would never have told them and could have spared them the pain. After that experience I waited until after the first trimester for parents, and when I was showing, for everyone else.

Oomis, I don’t know you and what you went through, but “spar[ing] them from pain” is only a valid rationale if all things considered they wouldn’t want to know. Most times I have heard people use that excuse it is to spare their own discomfort.

Bottom line: the fact that you are pregnant is good news. Withholding good news is selfish without a good reason. Most reasons I’ve heard both here and generally are not good reasons. Share it happily (to those that’d be made happy)! And if c”v there’s a miscarriage, you’ll have support. There’s nothing wrong with that!

First time I was planning to wait until about two months to tell our parents. I ended up telling them a little earlier cause I couldn’t keep the secret any more (I am like that with my personal secrets, I have to tell someone sooner or later!) I told my siblings and a few close friends by the third month.

Second time, I told our parents a little earlier than that since opportunities arose to break the news. I’m hopeless at saying something like this so blase that I have to hint it very strongly, and a good opportunity came up in the conversation. With my eldest, we had just come back from holiday (we found out the day before we left that I was pregnant) and speaking to my parents, they said that when we have kids we shouldn’t just expect to leave the kids with them for two weeks whilst we go jetsetting. I said well it was a bit difficult to do that this time. My parents asked me what I meant and I said well it’s hard to do that when the kid is attached to you!