Announcing Pregnancy

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  • #610470
    mordecai98
    Participant

    When is it appropriate to announce that one is expecting to the parents and in laws? How about other people?

    Why?

    #972803
    superme
    Member

    I thinly opinion and many people share it is tell spouses parents by 2 months or so and only to tell other people once ur showing meaning wearing maternity. This is because of an ayin hara.

    #972804
    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    FWIW, we told our parents each time as soon as we found out.

    If you’re really concerned, ask a Rav.

    The Wolf

    #972805
    the-art-of-moi
    Participant

    That is up to you. the answer differs with each situation. ask a rav or mentor.

    #972806
    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    we never said a word before the first trimester ENDED. And sometimes I just didn’t tell for a while because I couldn’t deal with people telling me I am supposed to be resting and taking it easy etc even though nobody was offerring to take over any of my work.

    A funny story is that two days after my mother had a major brain tumor removed I was in ICU with her and I told her I was expecting (I was probably in my fifth month but I don’t show til very late). She looked at me with her very blank post-op face and said, “you think we didn’t know?”

    #972807

    i told them when the baby was born

    #972808
    Trying2bgood
    Member

    I’m not here to give an opinion either way, by us each time it depended on circumstances. I just want to say (in response to, not in any way criticism of, Wolf) that the few weeks in between the time we knew and we told our parents, it was a beautiful time for us as a couple, sharing this special secret that no one else in the entire world knew about. I felt this way from my first child through my fifth, so much so that when one of my pregnancies slipped past me until I was in my fifth month or so, I still waited a day or two before telling my parents just so that we can savor our secret together…

    #972809
    apushatayid
    Participant

    Unless you feel the person can help you in any way, whether spiritual, physical or emotional, why bother telling them, eventually, they will be able to figure it out on their own. This, in my opinion, includes parents, inlaws, siblings and your “best friend”.

    #972810
    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    . I just want to say (in response to, not in any way criticism of, Wolf) that the few weeks in between the time we knew and we told our parents, it was a beautiful time for us as a couple, sharing this special secret that no one else in the entire world knew about.

    Well, everyone is different. If that works for you, then by all means, all the more power to you. Every couple has to do what’s right for them. For us it was telling our parents. For you, it wasn’t. 🙂

    The Wolf

    #972811
    Harotzehbilumshmo
    Participant

    Take a look at this book on Rebbetzin Kanievsky, Rav Chaim passionately beleives that you tell parents right away (I assume in normal situation)

    #972812
    Trying2bgood
    Member

    Wolf: Absolutely! I hope you didn’t take it as any sort of criticism!! In fact I think your kibud av v’aim is commendable as I am sure my parents would have been so touched had I told them as soon as I know… It was kind of selfish on my part to keep the joy from them those extra weeks, when I think about it!

    #972813

    Harotzehbilumshmo

    Take a look at this book on Rebbetzin Kanievsky, Rav Chaim passionately beleives that you tell parents right away (I assume in normal situation)

    That is correct, Rav Chaim believes that in the zchus of telling your parents right away and making them so happy, then your child will be absolutely healthy

    #972814
    musser zoger
    Participant

    She looked at me with her very blank post-op face and said, “you think we didn’t know?”

    Classic. I can really picture her saying that.

    #972815
    Harotzehbilumshmo
    Participant

    longing4israel: I believe that there was another component as well, particularly by the 1st. parents worry about their children and they deserve to know.

    #972816
    interjection
    Participant

    I was told that because your parents are davening for you and worrying about you, you should tell them as soon as possible to comfort them.

    #972817
    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    okay, so I’m self centered and evil. no surprise there.

    #972818
    interjection
    Participant

    Syag: or you could say that you have awesome self control. I don’t think I could hold out that long even if I tried!

    #972819
    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    Thanks for the compliment but the truth is so far from being complimentary. My mom was always a go-to person for everyone. Even my friends went to her when need be and sometimes she knew personal things about my friends that they didn’t want to share with their own parents. While I was young, I was very proud of having a mom like that. I found myself, as a teen, keeping things secret sometimes just to know that there was actually something I knew that she didn’t. B”H I grew out of that as I got older, but there were some habits that were hard to break. I am not proud, and I am embarrassed that people who know me may read this, but I certainly don’t want a compliment I don’t deserve.

    #972820
    bp27
    Participant

    Here’s my opinion (based on personal experience):

    First child – tell parents right away. They are sitting on eggshells. See above comments mentioning Rav Chaim Kanievsky’s opinion

    Subsequent children – tell parents as soon as the doctor confirms all is well. Saying this unfortunately from experience.

    Regarding people other than parents, there is no reason to announce. They’ll figure it out eventually. Your siblings will have heard within 30 seconds of you telling your parents (even if you tell them not to say…)

    #972821
    apushatayid
    Participant

    If your parents are mature, they will daven for your well being whether they know you are pregnant or not. If they worry whether you are pregnant, 3 months after the chasuna, then they have bigger problems to deal with. I dont pasken from story books, even those about the wives of gedolim.

    #972822
    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    Hashem provided an all natural announcement.

    First baby, you do tell. You will probably tell anyway since you will want to talk about it with your mother!

    After that, most people tell their parents shortly before they start showing, if they don’t live nearby and don’t wish someone else to mention it to their parents.

    #972823
    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    Torah – thank you for that. I feel a little less guilty now.

    #972824
    SaysMe
    Member

    my sibs generally tell my parents after first trimester or later, but dont tell the siblings til close before they start showing. (and no, my parents don’t tell the other kids!) And with one exception, every single time i’ve known before. Once or twice i even slipped up and said something to the expectant mother, forgetting she hadn’t yet told me about it- oops! By now, when they tell me, they all ask me how long i’ve known. It’s more of a shock for me to find out that others had no idea!

    #972825
    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    Syag: My pleasure. 🙂

    #972826
    oomis
    Participant

    At first, I told my parents and in-laws by the second month, but no one else until well after the first trimester was over. Sadly and ironically, the very moment I told my in-laws (on Chanukah) that we were expecting our second child, within literally 30 seconds, I had begun to realize I was miscarrying. Had I only waited another minute, I would never have told them and could have spared them the pain. After that experience I waited until after the first trimester for parents, and when I was showing, for everyone else.

    #972827
    the-art-of-moi
    Participant

    Oomis- i am so sorry that happened to you.

    #972828
    frumnotyeshivish
    Participant

    Oomis, I don’t know you and what you went through, but “spar[ing] them from pain” is only a valid rationale if all things considered they wouldn’t want to know. Most times I have heard people use that excuse it is to spare their own discomfort.

    Bottom line: the fact that you are pregnant is good news. Withholding good news is selfish without a good reason. Most reasons I’ve heard both here and generally are not good reasons. Share it happily (to those that’d be made happy)! And if c”v there’s a miscarriage, you’ll have support. There’s nothing wrong with that!

    #972829
    oomis
    Participant

    topknot yeshivish

    Oomis, I don’t know you and what you went through, but “spar[ing] them from pain” is only a valid rationale if all things considered they wouldn’t want to know. Most times I have heard people use that excuse it is to spare their own discomfort.

    Bottom line: the fact that you are pregnant is good news. Withholding good news is selfish without a good reason. Most reasons I’ve heard both here and generally are not good reasons. Share it happily (to those that’d be made happy)! And if c”v there’s a miscarriage, you’ll have support. There’s nothing wrong with that!”

    I think you may have misunderstood my post, or I, yours. This happened over thirty years ago. And it ironically caused GREAT pain to my dear in-laws (and to my parents) that they would not have had to experience, had I even waited one more minute to tell them the good news, because by then I would have already recognized the signs of a potential miscarriage, and I would have held off saying anything at the time. Nothing selfish about that.

    Good news IS meant to be shared, but some types of good news need to percolate for a while, to be sure no one is jumping the gun.

    (Just as an aside, when you write topknot Yeshivish, is that meant to be a pun on the expression “topNOTCH” Yeshivish?)

    Thank you, The-art-of-moi. It happened a long time ago, and had it not, I wouldn’t have had my eldest daughter, who was born early the next year. Hashem Makes His Cheshbonos. I am content.

    #972830
    notasheep
    Member

    First time I was planning to wait until about two months to tell our parents. I ended up telling them a little earlier cause I couldn’t keep the secret any more (I am like that with my personal secrets, I have to tell someone sooner or later!) I told my siblings and a few close friends by the third month.

    Second time, I told our parents a little earlier than that since opportunities arose to break the news. I’m hopeless at saying something like this so blase that I have to hint it very strongly, and a good opportunity came up in the conversation. With my eldest, we had just come back from holiday (we found out the day before we left that I was pregnant) and speaking to my parents, they said that when we have kids we shouldn’t just expect to leave the kids with them for two weeks whilst we go jetsetting. I said well it was a bit difficult to do that this time. My parents asked me what I meant and I said well it’s hard to do that when the kid is attached to you!

    #972831
    golfer
    Participant

    Oomis, I was always in agreement with you about not telling parents things that could cause them pain. From the vantage point of many years later, I can see they were definitely spared some pain, but they were also, inadvertently, distanced from us. It put them in the position of sometimes not understanding what was going on with us. They may not have beeen able to figure out exactly what the situation was, but they’re smart enough to realize there was something we were keeping from them. So the question becomes whether you prefer to give up the close relationship that mutual trust fosters, or whether you want to spare parents some pain. In the case of my own children I have been told things that definitely hurt, but in the long run, I’m glad I knew.

    As for telling parents about a pregnancy- it’s a personal thing. Everybody has to find their own comfort level and share the news when they’re ready. I would hope parents and friends would have the intelligence to be happy whenever they’re told. And as others already mentioned, it’s (hopefully) not a secret you can keep forever anyway.

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