Another Shidduchim Thread
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- This topic has 19 replies, 18 voices, and was last updated 13 years, 2 months ago by sm29.
October 22, 2009 6:33 pm at 6:33 pm #590657EequalsmcsquaredMember
How long would you think a couple could date for before getting engaged?
Personal examples prefered.October 22, 2009 6:44 pm at 6:44 pm #682142jewish and working 22Member
A couple can date for however long they want. Whatever they feel comfortable doing. There is no, and should be, no set amount.
IT IS UP TO THEM.
EDITEDOctober 22, 2009 7:17 pm at 7:17 pm #682143NY MomMember
My husband and I dated about 3 months. I think that period of time was long enough to get to know each other, without it schlepping out too long.
jewishandworking22: While I agree that people should date for as long as they feel it is necessary to get to know each other, I do not think that “dating” for a year or two is good or necessary. I say this as a person who has MO relatives, and I have seen the detriment of this style of dating. I’m not sure if this is what you were getting at, since your post was edited, but I kind of got that impression. I could elaborate further on this point, if you wish.October 22, 2009 7:38 pm at 7:38 pm #682144jewish and working 22Member
Actually I was getting at that noone should be say that their should be a time period. I have MO friends who have dated for year(s) and are happily married with kids. It all matters on the couple. Whatever their views and thoughts are, should be between them, and noone else.
Personally, I do not think that dating for 6 weeks and going out only 12 times is enough. However, this is the norm these days in the yeshivish world. I personally, would not force my views on anyone, and I expect the same from others.
If someone asks me my view, my answer is as before (paraphrasing) “whenever you feel the time is right”. Noone else but the two people involved in the dating, know when that time will occur.October 22, 2009 7:43 pm at 7:43 pm #682145getalifethejokeisonyouMember
Eequalsmcsquared- that is a very good question. I put a lot of thought into it and came to a conclusion that i think will suite everyone. so here it goes… (for a male) the first girl you date, you should date for seven dates until you decide if it’s for you if it isn’t, drop her nicely. The second girl- eight times. the third girl-10.89 times. if you’re up to the fourth girl…good luck cuz it gets really complicating- i only figured it out till here… 18.2358048512896105 times. and you know, just daven!October 22, 2009 7:46 pm at 7:46 pm #682146gaffligleMember
hey i just wanted to say that i dont think that theres a time span to when ppl date… i know of two couples, one that went of 5 dates and the other for 4 years…. and b’h they both happy couples, as they torah sais, col echad al pi darcho…. it wasnt only talking about education… but the whole way a child leads his life includint marrige….October 22, 2009 8:08 pm at 8:08 pm #682147NY MomMember
jewishandworking22: Since Eequalsmcsquared, is asking for opinions, I think that he/she is looking for different perspectives on the issue. Not having identified a specific dating style, anyone interested in chiming in, can speak from their own experiences. As the OP says, “Personal examples prefered.”
“I have MO friends who have dated for year(s) and are happily married with kids. It all matters on the couple.”
Glad it worked out for them. You’re right that it depends on the couple, but the pitfalls in this type of dating are so many, I wouldn’t even want to get into it. The only thing I will convey is a few words of caution. If one decides to date for two years, he/she is committing two years of his life to a relationship, which may not end in marriage. If a single girl/guy has several of these two-year relationships, which do not end in marriage, this can lead to being 40-something, single, and a greatly deteriorated pool of possibilities. I’ve seen it happen and it’s very sad.October 22, 2009 8:20 pm at 8:20 pm #682148neatfreakMember
I think that the couple should date as long as it takes to be comfortable and sure of yourself.
Personally i dated 4 weeks (7 dates and one very short one where we went out to get engaged).
i have a friend that dated 7 dates in 3 weeks.
i have another friend that dated 6/7 times in 1 week. (ok that is a little crazy- but what can an out of towner do?)
then i have friends that dated for a few months.
anything goes as long as you are not continuing to have a good time, but rather to find your spouse.October 22, 2009 8:40 pm at 8:40 pm #682149WolfishMusingsParticipant
It’s really a matter of what works for the particular couple.
Eeees and I dated for about three years before we were married. But that’s because when we met, I was only 18 and she was only 16. And today, many years later, we’re still very much in love.
OTOH, my sister did do the shidduch dating. She saw my brother-in-law for a limited number of dates over two months or so, and then became engaged. And you know what? They’re also very much in love today — many years later.
What worked for me might not have worked for my sister — and vice versa. As long as the people involved are comfortable enough with each other to get married (and they are both reasonable adults, of course), then that’s fine. The point is that there is no set “right number.” It varies from person to person – and you have to do what’s right for you.
The WolfOctober 22, 2009 9:23 pm at 9:23 pm #682150PhyllisMember
I found myself in a chasidish camp one summer (how that happened is a story in itself) and got to know a lot of very wonderful girls from very chasidishe homes. I really admired the camp mother and spoke to her quite often. She told me that she met her husband in just 3 dates in one week, and since her parents did a lot of info beforehand this was enough time for her. She told me that in her circles they meet a minimal amount of times and this system works very well since they do thorough research before the boy and girl actually meet.
This is not something to debate if you think its right or wrong, point is, pple do it and it works for them.October 23, 2009 3:08 am at 3:08 am #682151mybatMember
Whatever works for the particular couple. Just try not to go to extremes.October 23, 2009 2:15 pm at 2:15 pm #682152tamazaballMember
it depends , were you live the guy the girl the influences around you, the pressure for sure.. the people around you helping you out,etc.October 23, 2009 2:39 pm at 2:39 pm #682153Grandma LeeMember
I know a few ppl who met the boy 2-3 times & had a 8 month engagment with no talking or seeing each other & are b’h very happly married. (The parents do alot of research before they actually meet)October 25, 2009 3:48 am at 3:48 am #682154Mezonos MavenMember
No matter how much “experience” you have with the other gender, you are no more prepared for marriage than anyone else. First of all, if you think about it, except for those rare cases where a couple date all through high school and then get married, any other dating experience is just experience in failed relationships. They may know more about what doesn’t work, but they sure don’t have a clue about what does. In any case, even for those rare couples – they may be more familiar with each other, but they are no more prepared to marry each other than a couple who never spoke to the opposite gender out of the realm of shidduchim. This is because marriage involves an entirely different type of relationship – dramatically different than dating, or even being engaged. No matter how long they knew each other before, spouses learn a million and one new things about each other when they get married, and they learn to communicate with and relate to each other in a totally new way. No matter what, it will be different than any other relationship they have ever had.March 17, 2010 1:16 am at 1:16 am #682156realtalkMember
Most chassidim only go out once for 45 min with the parents in the next room. The parents do a lot of research before hand and it has to get approval with the rebbe. I know a family where some of the kids only went out a few times and some for longer.- all happily married.
For neatfreak- it is not a good idea to go out night after night but rather to have space in between dates in order to think objectively and be able to ask people who are wiser than you, and not to get caught up with infatuation instead of your true match.March 17, 2010 2:26 am at 2:26 am #682157GabbyMember
Each situation is different… they should take their time and not rush into anythingMarch 17, 2010 2:29 am at 2:29 am #682158dvorakMember
Personal stories for the OP:
Dated my husband for 4 months. Got lots of “nu’s” from 2 months on for those who saw us as shlepping along; got plenty of “but how can you be so sure after just 4 months?!” from others who thought we were rushing into things. We didn’t feel comfortable getting engaged after 6, 7, or even 12 weeks, so we didn’t; at four months, we felt confident enough and that there was no reason to continue dating. Result? Happily married nearly 2 years, eagerly anticipating a very special simcha very soon 🙂
Other stories: A couple we know got engaged after the usual 6 dates despite serious reservations by both of them; they were divorced within 6 months. Another couple we know started dating when they were seniors in high school (more MO, they met through NCSY), dated through that year, year in Israel, and 2 years of college. Once you tallied all that, in addition to the engagement, they were together for close to 5 years before actually getting married. They were divorced even quicker than the other aforementioned couple.
Moral of the 3 above stories: Pretty much what everyone else has been saying. You have to go according to your own pace, and it’s probably better to stay away from extremes on either side.March 18, 2010 1:50 pm at 1:50 pm #682159tomim tihyeMember
How do you define “extremes”? I came home beaming from the first date with my husband and felt pretty sure this was it! Obviously, my family thought I was nuts, but they saw how happy and sure about it I was for the six weeks of dating him, so it wasn’t a surprise that we were engaged after six dates. B”H, not a second of regret more than a decade later.
There IS a concept of a neshama identifying its other half.March 18, 2010 2:30 pm at 2:30 pm #682160volvieMember
My good friend and his wife, happily married for about a decade, knew they were the right match on the first date, and after the second (or third) date was engaged — less than a week after meeting each other. (They are not Chasidish.)
And they live happily ever after.March 25, 2010 8:11 am at 8:11 am #682161sm29Participant
It’s important for people to take time to find out some things first like whether you two are compatible with each other’s personality, have similar goals and interests and so on. Also, we need to have realistic expectations, for example, in regards to lifestyle, parnassa and so on. Take care
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