Answering “what type of guy are you looking for” in shidduchim?

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  • #1579067

    batHH
    Participant

    My rabbis asked me (new to shidduchim), “what type of guy are you looking for?”

    1. What does “type” usually mean? (is that a reference to career/profession/kollel type? or religious affiliation? or personality?? Or all of the above?)
    2. My answer was, “I don’t have a prototype, I think Hashem has it. I heard from a shiur that to the various people asking about advice on whether ploni/bas ploni is a match, their Rebbe had the same answer – can you build a kosher, Torah u’mitzvos home with that person? That is my focus”. Does that sound terribly naive/green? If so, how do I “figure it out”?

    I’d love to hear what those of you who are happily married think, based on Torah, good advice you’ve heard, and experience etc.

    #1579194

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    1. Probably all of the above, but particularly the first.
    2. Yes it does. If you’re open to different types, say so, but to set you up, they’re really looking for more specific information.

    Who do you mean when you say, “the Rebbe”?

    #1579261

    whitecar
    Participant

    Well simple answer to give is working or learning, but in my opinion if you really want to narrow it down, say I want a guy who’s put together and knows where he is going in life. In my personal experience (as a guy) there are not to many people like that, but that is the underlying factor of a growing person!

    #1579218

    DISCOVERHASHEM
    Participant

    Hey,
    I just want to applaud you for trying to figure this question out.
    Im male, but when I was in shiduchim I mainly just told the shadchanim i was looking for yiras shamayim, sameach bechelko, good midos, simchas hacham, etc. etc. These are all phrases which, while they might be good traits, do not describe a personality. Someone could have all those heilege traits but just not match with you. I’m only speaking based on my personal experience, not telling you what to do. I wished I had actually sat down and thought about what type of person (personality, hashkafa, interests, values) I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Even if it had taken me longer to get married, it would’ve been worth it. I also told the shadchanim that I just want someone who cares about shmiras hamitsvos, dveikus b’hashem etc. Those terms are very vague because ideally all frum jews aspire to those traits. I wished I had spoken to a rebbe and/or trusted (married) friend of mine first about what I really wanted in a relationship (the truth is I may not have even been ready for a relationship maturity wise. I was 22, which is normal for some but to each his own). Anyway, my relationship is pretty rocky now and I think it has to do alot with how I approached shiduchim.

    Wishing you hatslacha with everything, clarity, and happiness on your journey. It’s worth the wait for the right person.

    #1579347

    CTRebbe
    Participant

    It’s a simple question. He is saying help me narrow down your search. If you want any male then half of the people on the planet would be eligible. Which of the four billion people would you not like to go out with? The more descriptive and realistic you can be the more he can help.

    #1579408

    CS
    Participant

    Based on my experience, it is important that the checklist should match with your level of yiras shomayim and good middos BUT it is equally important that once you date, you ENJOY spending time with the person and look forward to their companionship.

    One person I dated was a match for me hashkafa wise, and I could think of no good reason to turn it down hashkafa wise so I thought I will probably marry him. I told the news to a close friend of mine, without mentioning names and she looked at me and said so why do you sound resigned? I don’t think that’s how you’re supposed to approach getting engaged. Bh bh he turned me down after the next date, because it was only after that that I realized, no. I shouldn’t spend my life making it work with someone I don’t really enjoy. Better to be single than have a depressed marriage. (Now that I’m actually married and see older girls who aren’t and how hard it is I would probably change that to better to be single LONGER, than endure such a marriage, but the point is the same…)

    #1579420

    CS
    Participant

    @discoverhashem
    So sorry to hear that. Now that you are married, do you want tips for a happier marriage from those of us with happy marriages? Or were you just warning the op but have it covered with yourself?

    #1579412

    CS
    Participant

    There was a young woman of handicapped parents, who had had becone frum, who had dated a young man but was unsure if he was the one for her. So she made an appointment with the Rebbe to ask his opinion. The Rebbe asked her, “Do you like him?”

    She gulped and replied that she had basic ahavas yisrael for him. The Rebbe smiled broadly and replied, “Far a mahn darf men hoben mer vi stam ahavas yisrael…”

    That settled it for her and that settled it for me 🙂

    Good luck with shidduchim!!

    #1579410

    CS
    Participant

    Cont.

    Some time after I was married, I was wondering if this previously held conviction of mine by dating is a real Torah approach as it seems allot of the old fashioned shtetlach may have had these kind of marriages (complete with the nagging wife and abusive if am haaretz or porush type of Talmid chacham), and I was wondering if that was just an unfortunate symptom of harder times, or if only desiring a spouse you actually connect to is a symbol of non Jewish love marriage of ideology creeping into our world. So the following story cleared this up for me.

    #1579435

    Me12345
    Participant

    As stated above, they wanna know as many things that u care for ur husband to have. Do u want someone who is quiet or talkative, well thought out or planning on the fly etc. Use ur imagination for as many character traits that make a difference to you and that is the answer to what type you are looking for.

    #1579449

    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    I;m in shidduchim, haven’t been here for too long but I’ve learned a thing or two.
    When people want to know what “type” they don’t mean for you to tell them just their personality, or values. It’s slang for “Describe the type of person you want to marry”.

    I am quite open minded like you. And after datings for a bit, I found that the only important thing to look for is middos and hashkafa. Generally personality, chemistry, attraction, and values cannot exactly be found out until you go out on a date.

    Middos aren’t just character traits, but it’s also expression of those traits. Responsibility mixed with my hashkafa is can be expressed as having a mentor or a rabbi. Do you get that?

    Hashkafa is tricky, I’ve dated so many people who have my hashkafa, Meaning like, yeshivish home, and no secular media or smartphones, BY schools, etc but don’t have the honestly, depth and growth I am looking for. I was turned down over a really great guy once I said so yeah I am still reading some secular mystery novels and such but I’m working towards stopping. Within the next 1.5 years I plan on hitting my goal of not reading secular books at all (Except self help books, cook books, technical stuff like that, not that I buy those books, but if I were to need a specific non-jewish one I would no hesitate).

    Although he had SAID he wants to be there one day, he was taken aback that when I mean I’m getting there, I’m GETTING there. I have a plan, map and I’m on my journey, and I WILL get there, I have a date too! (Pun intended).

    Last thing I’d say is there’s lots of things you can settle for, like height, age, career, etc, but hashkafa and middos are 2 NEVERS. Hashem sends you your zivug and you should NEVER have to lower your standards to find your zivug.

    #1579467

    JJ2020
    Participant

    Alot of this has to do with you and knowing yourself. Perhaps the rabbi wanted the leave the question open ended to see what’s important to you.

    That’s great that you want someone who is a yirei shomayim. However there is a lot more than that. For example if there is a guy who really wants to learn for the next 30 yrs and is planning in living in poverty does tat work for you? Is that what you want? Someone else wants to be a doctor and work 80 hours a week is that what you want? Another guy will only live in bnei brak. How about a sfardi or ashkinazi? Out of town vs NY. Modern Orthodox or chassidish? Do you want guests and kiruv every Shabbos?

    I think it’s important to figure out what you want in life and what your goals are. What are you looking for what are you strengths and weakneses?

    #1579487

    yudel
    Participant

    A vatran always gas a happy life after marriage.
    As reb shlomo zalman , zl told me a vat ran never loses and alwalways gains.
    You guessed it, I’m happily married 50 years.

    #1579488

    CTRebbe
    Participant

    I did not mean to be so curt earlier. When figuring out what type of person you want to marry, it is important to think about which things are preferences and what are your absolute necessities. If you know you absolutely must live in Israel and would turn down the perfect guy who has everything else except that, then so be it. Just make sure you clarify that with shadchanim or else you are wasting everybody’s time and effort. Some people think they want one thing but get someone different.
    In the end you just need to make the best decision based on what you see and daven daven daven for help all along the way

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