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About how important it is to make amends? I know a family where two brothers (both married with kids) haven’t been speaking to each other for approx. 2 years. They’ve had their differences over the years but I don’t think they ever had one that lasted this long. This time the resentment has reached their kids who are no longer speaking with each other. (no – these are not my brothers but these families are very close to us)
Anyway, over the years, I’ve read various stories about families who aren’t on speaking terms for one reason or another. Many of these stories were very moving and emotional and really brought home the point about how life is short and amends should be made before it’s too late. However, I don’t remember any of them in detail. I’m hoping someone here can post a really good story with a strong message. I would like to send such a story to these two families somehow.
The Talmud (Gittin 56) tells of a man wanted to throw a party for all his friends, so he drew up a guest list and instructed his servant to send out the invitations. One of the men on the guest list was named “Kamtza,” but the servant made a mistake and invited “Bar Kamtza” instead. Oops — Bar Kamtza was actually a sworn enemy of the host!
When Bar Kamtza received his invitation, he was very grateful to think that the host had finally made amends. But when Bar Kamtza showed up at the party, the host took one look and told his servant to immediately eject Bar Kamtza from the premises.
When asked to leave, Bar Kamtza said: “I understand the mistake. But it’s embarrassing for me to leave the party. I’ll gladly pay the cost of my meal if you’ll allow me to stay.”
The host would hear nothing of this, and reiterated his demand to have Bar Kamtza removed.
Bar Kamtza appealed again: “I’d even be willing to pay half the cost of the entire party, if only I’d be allowed to stay.”
Again the request was denied. At which point, the distraught Bar Kamtza pleaded: “I’ll pay for the entire party! Just please don’t embarrass me in this way!”
The host, however, stuck to his guns and threw Bar Kamtza out. The rabbis had observed this exchange did not protest, and Bar Kamtza took this to mean that they approved of the host’s behavior.
The Talmud reports that Bar Kamtza was so hurt and upset, that he went straight to the Roman authorities and gave slanderous reports of disloyal behavior among the Jews. This fueled the Romans’ anger, and they proceeded to attack and destroy the Holy Temple.
From Aish.com
Moving stories? Sure, I have one!
My family moved from an apartment to a townhouse the summer before I started high school. We used an Israeli moving company, thinking we’d like to support a Jewish business, but they overcharged us and were unprofessional. They didn’t even finish the job, and my mom had to pay a teenager for the rest! Some of our furniture even got damaged in the process. It was a really horrible experience.
What, what? You asked for a moving story! 😛
Can’t think of a sadder, more heartbreaking story than WIY posted.
there was a whole article last week on this in the mishpacha with some stories. A while ago there was a story in one of the magazines about a family like this where they had many deaths and tragedies till one cousin/niece managed to make peace and B’H they had a lot of nissim after that. I am not sure where it was.
Gefen
This story should shake them up. You can google the bar kamtza story and maybe you will find someone who writes it more dramatically. Either way I’m not so certain reading a story will do the job. Bringing peace requires mediation. Someone both parties will listen to and trust must attempt to bring them together.
There was a woman who was an amazing woman in every respect. People wondered why she had such a difficult life. It wasn’t until she was on her deathbed that she called her sister-in-law to make up with her after a fight that had happened years before, and they hadn’t spoken since.
Machlokes Kills
In Parshat Korach we read about the terrible machlokes [strife] between Korach and his cronies against Moshe Rabbeinu. The sad result was that the ground opened up and swallowed Korach and his family and a fire came out and consumed his 250 followers. Here we find an anomaly. Normally we know that children are not susceptible to Divine punishment but in this instance the children were the subject of the Divine wrath and were swallowed up by the ground.
Rashi [16/27] is bothered by the fact that children were punished. He answers that the harm of machlokes is so great that even children suffer the consequences.
The question remains – Machlokes Shmachlokes, children are not liable to punishment?! Explains the Holy Maharal in the Gur Aryeh: It is true that children aren’t liable to punishment but here wasn’t a case of punishment. The REALITY of quarrels brings in its wake terrible consequences. When someone eats poison he is not PUNISHED when he dies. The reality of poison is that it kills. Kabbala teaches that machlokes was created on the second day of creation [when Hashem split between the upper and lower waters] together with gehenom. Machlokes IS gehenom. Since the children were present there was no alternative – they had to suffer. The fire of strife burns regardless of whether a person is old enough to be held accountable. I have seen numerous times in my lifetime the dangers of machlokes. Families, shuls, schools – wherever there are Jews there seems to be some machlokes somewhere and it destroys.
I take this a step further. If machlokes is gehenom then shalom and ahava – the opposite of machlokes – is gan eden. There is nothing better. When you meet another Jew there is no greater bracha you can bestow upon them than SHALOM. Shalom is wholeness, a sense of belonging, of being part of everything and everything being a part of you. It is feeling that you are part and parcel of all existence and are critical to its continued functioning. Shalom is the receptacle for all Divine blessings [end of Uktzin].
Posted by; Mevakesh Lev in Mevakeshlev website
Nothing against gefen, just something I think every time I read these kinds of stories and don’t get-
Do people reconcile from hearing scary stories of how people die from machlokes? If so, do you really just want people who are scared into it? How much can that really help in the end to RESOLVE the conflict- and that’s important, because otherwise who says there will be peace in the end?
writersoul: I think I meant scare in a different way. Yes, it’s sad, but is that why I’m making up? If that’s the ONLY reason why, because I’ll feel guilty if I don’t, then I’ll just keep resenting it.
I’m not saying that I think that this is a be-all-end-all solution for you, just that people seem to think it is sometimes in the stories like the one in Mishpacha. I genuinely don’t get it.
writersoul: Usually when people refuse to speak to relatives for a long time, it’s due to pride. Eventually, the anger disipates and then they can’t make that first move. But when and if they do make that move, even if they feel forced to do so at that time, they will be able to move past their hurt and respond to each other with love. Blood is thicker than water.
Ooh, whoops, that was meant to be gefen. NO idea what happened there…
wdik99: For sure, but if the pain is still there, having it scared out of them won’t get rid of it.
A story like that would need to be only one in a large chain of events.
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