Are out of town mesivta’s emotionally healthy places for young bachurim?

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  • #1314972

    Haimy
    Participant

    A friend of mine is a highly sought out therapist in the metro yeshiva community.
    He claims that the out of town mesivta experience is creating many emotionally disturbed teens & adults. The all male highly competitive environment that’s secluded from normal life experience is providing him with more clients than he can deal with. I personally have seen some boys thrive & others break down from the stress.
    How can a parent know if their child is ready to leave home? What are the warning signs that you should notice over an off Shabbos or Bein Hazemanim?

    #1315048

    Joseph
    Participant

    Most bochorim would benefit from an out of town mesivta, away from the distractions at home, allowing him to focus fully on his limud.

    #1315182

    lesschumras
    Participant

    Joseph, so with your vast experience your are confident that you can contradict the therapist

    #1315206

    nishtdayngesheft
    Participant

    LC,

    It is not Joseph’s word against a therapist. It is word against Haimy’s a new poster to the site.

    #1315219

    zahavasdad
    Participant

    Every bocher is differnt, One cannot know from a general post if a particular bocher should be sent away or kept at home

    #1315273

    Joseph
    Participant

    I offered my opinion. I stand by it, but it is just my opinion. And, note, I didn’t say it is universal.

    #1315258

    again it falls under CHANOCH HANAR AHL PIDARKO. Each child is different and one has to know and understand his/her child before making this decision. Some of my children dormed out-of-town; others went to local Mesivtas. We did allow each child to give their opinion on whether they wanted to dorm. With 20/20 hindsight, dorming was right for some of those who dormed; for one, dorming was not the correct choice.

    I agree that those who dorm generally have less distractions then those at home.

    What are the warning signs that you should notice over an off Shabbos or Bein Hazemanim?

    I am far from an expert but sleeping late, missing minyan, and not learning may be some of the signs. A reluctance to pack to go back to yeshiva. One of my sons would come home for Bein Hazmanim with his schedule of chavrusas for the time off from yeshiva all planned out and talk about what the yeshiva was planning to learn next zman.

    #1315431

    smerel
    Participant

    I’m not a therapist but I realized the truth of what that the therapist quoted by the OP before therapy was acceptable in the frum world. Back in the 1980s out of town yeshivos were really in style. The out of town crowd insisted they would never learn in town and that no good bocher would.etc. Fast forward thirty years. All those big talkers about how wonderful out town is wouldn’t dream of sending their own sons to a mesivta out of town.

    #1315443

    Gadolhadorah
    Participant

    There is something to be said about keeping the kids closer to home. While there are some exceptional mashgichim ruchani/dorm counselors at out-of-town yeshivos, there are things only a parent would be tuned in to that might provide indicators of emotional and physical issues. LowerTuition above made some great points about what to look for on home visits and thats probably great for really shartke bochurim but not for those who might be prone to get into trouble without real-time monitoring.

    #1315525

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Even a therapist may not know the difference between correlation and causation.

    #1315547

    Haimy
    Participant

    Rav Yaakov Kaminetzki was famously known to recommend keeping young bachurim at home for their high school years. A stable family environment creates emotionally healthy people. The teen years are most prone for depression or anxiety disorders to manifest. Out of town, there’s limited access to good therapy or tutoring. Many parents only realize their child has a problem after years of sending them out of town & being told how well he’s learning without mentioning his nonexistent social life. It can take years to repair the untreated condition when it explodes later.
    I’m not saying out of town isn’t for anyone, I’m saying be sure your son is ready & then closely monitor his level of happiness & social interaction.

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