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- This topic has 81 replies, 23 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 3 months ago by hanib.
February 3, 2011 4:50 am at 4:50 am #594744
What do you do when you get bad vibes from a person? Is it normal to get vibes or is it all in your head??February 3, 2011 4:53 am at 4:53 am #737028oomisParticipant
It is normal for many of us. We are unconsciously picking up signals from the person’s facial expressions and demeanor, which make us feel uncomfortable. Some of us are better at “reading” someone than others are, but when you get that negative vibe, there is a reason.February 3, 2011 4:54 am at 4:54 am #737029
When you get bad vibes, end the conversation and stay away. You get that feeling for a reason so trust your instincts no matter what anyone else tells you.February 3, 2011 4:59 am at 4:59 am #737030
well put (as usual), OomisFebruary 3, 2011 6:23 am at 6:23 am #737031
so i need major help!!!!…a shadchan set me up with a guy, and i checked him out, he sounded good, but then after talking on the phone he sounded sketchy and i got this weird feeling about him. i told the shadchan, and shes like oh ur not going to give him a chance?? so what do i do now??? the guy asked me out but he didnt set a date, he he said he would text me…which is super weird, who doest that??? so anyways my question is: how do i get out of dating him without lying or making anyone feel bad?February 3, 2011 6:50 am at 6:50 am #737032
cshapiro, I’m happy to tell you that this young man broke protocol and I doubt if he will follow through so YOU can call the shadchan and tell her after the phone call YOU have decided that it is best to drop it. Any young man who phones the girl is supposed to set up the date during that conversation. Anyone who doesn’t is certainly sketchy especially if he says he will “text” you. That is totally inappropriate. So do not be afraid to follow your instincts here, there is definitely something off. Go ahead and call the shadchan and tell her “thanks but no thanks”.February 3, 2011 2:48 pm at 2:48 pm #737033
I agree with aries’ advice.February 3, 2011 3:22 pm at 3:22 pm #737034oomisParticipant
“well put (as usual), Oomis “
It’s so nice to be appreciated… Thanks, always here.February 3, 2011 3:22 pm at 3:22 pm #737035
I don’t agree with aries2756. It’s true he broke protocol but why not give him a chance? Go out with him once and see if you continue getting those bad vibes.February 3, 2011 3:30 pm at 3:30 pm #737036
Something similar happened to me. I didnt want to hurt the guy but at the same time I REALLY did not want to go out w him!
In the end BARUCH HASH-M (!!!!!) a different guy said yes so I was able to tell him I was busy, and he (finally) got the hint.February 3, 2011 3:50 pm at 3:50 pm #737037
he didn’t even set a date yet, AND she feels weird about him (bad vibes)…February 3, 2011 6:42 pm at 6:42 pm #737038s2021Member
dont go out w him. bad vibes r real. what if u end up liking him..?February 3, 2011 7:11 pm at 7:11 pm #737039
what if u end up liking him..?
Then maybe the bad vibes weren’t real?February 3, 2011 7:23 pm at 7:23 pm #737040s2021Member
trust me…February 3, 2011 7:48 pm at 7:48 pm #737041
Texting? Way outta line. He should be calling your house, and no where else. Unless the two of you are in your very late 20s – early 30s, this is a huge no-no.
Otherwise, drop him, and tell the shadchan why. And don’t feel obligated to “give him a chance”. His parents did a rotten job of prepping him for the dating scene.
On the topic of vibes, someone (either you, your parent, a married sibling) should ask to see this person before doing any checking whatsoever. On paper, everyone looks amazing.
Get a visual, then do your homework.
But texting? This guy needs to be read the riot act.February 3, 2011 8:35 pm at 8:35 pm #737042Fast ForwardMember
Trust your instincts. I once had an experience (many years ago) where the vibes were off before we met. When he showed up for the date, I knew I was right but still felt obligated to go out with him. He looked and acted like a “gehsthell.” Within a block of my house, we had an argument as to where to go and we agreed that this date was not going to go anywhere. Five minutes later, I was back in my house and my mother said she never felt so relieved to see me. She wanted to kick herself for letting me out of the house with this guy. So, if you feel something is off, it may very well be.February 3, 2011 8:41 pm at 8:41 pm #737043
bpt – i agree that texting is inappropriate (at least at this very very early stage), but today most people who call the girl will call on her cell.February 3, 2011 8:50 pm at 8:50 pm #737044
“But texting? This guy needs to be read the riot act.”
*hides*February 3, 2011 8:53 pm at 8:53 pm #737045
No girl would willingly hand out her cell phone number. He either got it from the shadchan (which is wrong of the shadchan) or she was so freaked out by the request, that she just slipped.
Either way, a bad move on his part. His rov / rosh yeshiva would have his head, if this were found out.
A bochur texting a girl? Not in my world.February 3, 2011 8:54 pm at 8:54 pm #737046
huh?February 3, 2011 8:54 pm at 8:54 pm #737047AinOhdMilvadoParticipant
I once had bad vibes about someone, but it turned out
it was just that my cell phone was in my back pocket
set on ‘vibrate’!February 3, 2011 8:57 pm at 8:57 pm #737048
LOL!!February 3, 2011 9:03 pm at 9:03 pm #737049
bpt – and I am telling you that it is accepted practice for the girl to give her cell number to the shadchan to give to the guy. True, the guy should not be texting her before a first date. but the number is something that usually the guy receives if he intends to call her (which he obviously did here with her consent).February 3, 2011 9:10 pm at 9:10 pm #737050yossi z.Member
I don’t even know the guy and I am not liking it. From the way he was just described he sounds like he doesn’t have a grip on realityFebruary 3, 2011 9:32 pm at 9:32 pm #737051
<—- Texts before the first date.
*ducks and runs*February 3, 2011 10:58 pm at 10:58 pm #737052
The reason one might give a cell phone instead of the house phone is because of nosy siblings who might answer the phone instead of the intended. However whether before of after the first date “texting” is a no no. And the reason this guy did not set a date or said he would text might be because he was calling two girls at the same time which is also a big no no. DROP HIM like a hot potato his midos are off the charts in a bad way. He doesn’t deserve a chance because he has no respect for you and certainly not for the shadchan’s reputation either.February 3, 2011 11:00 pm at 11:00 pm #737053
I love your *’s!February 3, 2011 11:23 pm at 11:23 pm #737054
aries – When I said anything about texting after the first date, I meant like at least a month into the relationship. Yes, it can be overused, but an occasional text “Make sure to bring your camera for our date tonight” while the girl is known to be at work, I don’t really see anything wrong with it if you are both OK with it. Obviously, this does not apply for the yeshivish 5-7 dates till engagement crowd. And I have texted the girl after calling and getting no answer asking if it was a good time to call (again, later in the dating process). Also, I wouldn’t just jump to the conclusion that the guy was dating 2 girls. There could be many reasons. Not saying the stuff he did was right, but I wouldn’t just go that far right away.February 3, 2011 11:36 pm at 11:36 pm #737055
I knew he had my number, obviously he called me although we had played phone tag for a wile but that was cause our schedules overlapped…anyways point being he sounds sketchy what do I say and how do I say it to him, cause idk if I want to put the shadchan wants to be put in that position…this is exactly y I like casual dating uuuuuugh gotta do what the ‘rents want rite? :-):-)February 3, 2011 11:58 pm at 11:58 pm #737056
Tell the Shadchan to tell him that your schedule is a bit tight now and you wont be available to date for a while. He should get the hint. Hopefully…
😉February 4, 2011 12:05 am at 12:05 am #737057
cshapiro – i am sorry to say that unless you are genuinely worried that he will do something hurtful to you on the date, just go out and deal with it for 3 hours. Yeah, it stinks (and I mean that), but I think you gotta swallow it.February 4, 2011 12:31 am at 12:31 am #737058yossi z.Member
Cshapiro: No you gotta do what daas torah says. You should however take into account what your parents say because usually they know what they are talking about. If you do decide to go out on a date with this guy do NOT allow these feelings to get anywhere near the situation otherwise you will not be able to make an unbiased decision and unconsciously it will be a lot harder on the boy
😀 Zuberman! 😀February 4, 2011 1:01 am at 1:01 am #737059yummy cupcakeMember
i agree with what aries is saying. hands down. i think its just so wrong.February 4, 2011 3:13 am at 3:13 am #737060Brooklyn YentaParticipant
hey, don’t knock it. the “‘rents”, as you so maturely put it, want what’s best for you.February 4, 2011 3:59 am at 3:59 am #737061metrodriverMember
dunno; I disagree with you. Here, CS didn’t even have a face to face conversation (where she can gauge the facial expressions and other body language) with this “guy” and she already feels bad about this whole deal. From this minimal phone contact she can surmise that he is not a straight dealer. It’s best to drop him at the start, rather than getting involved with an unsavory character.February 4, 2011 5:23 am at 5:23 am #737062
In this case, the shadchan would be happy to oblige and teach the young man a lesson in dating! What he did was wrong and she deserves to know about it for her sake in the future. Why should she be involved with such a person who is not only disrespectful to the young women she presents to him but also gives her a bad name.February 4, 2011 5:43 am at 5:43 am #737063
I’m not saying what he did was wrong but she pretty much commited to a date and I don’t think it’s right to back out. Like bochur24 said, unless she’s scared he’ll hurt her or something she should just go out and say no after the date.February 4, 2011 6:02 am at 6:02 am #737064
isnt shidduch dating for a purpose…this guy i can tell is not for me, doesnt matter if he is a rich football player, he has no class and i will not put up with a sketchy indiviual. ive dated enuf guys to know a red flag when ive seen one….btw for those who are interested my book on insane dating stories is coming out next may…all stories are 100% truthful guarenteed :)) lolFebruary 4, 2011 6:04 am at 6:04 am #737065popa_bar_abbaParticipant
Generally, I say that if you agree to the phone call, you agreed to a date. But, since he didn’t set one up, I say forget him if you want.
bpt: It is considered normal now to give the cell number. I never called a girl on anything but her cell phone.February 4, 2011 6:05 am at 6:05 am #737066
Of course shidduch dating is for a purpose but you’re dealing with people here. I didn’t follow the story exactly but if he thinks you said yes to a date I think you should go out even if you’re sure he’s not for you.February 4, 2011 6:07 am at 6:07 am #737067
cshapiro – come on. you’re obviously not one of the most yeshivish people out there (I don’t mean that in any kind of negative way, but it’s not like one date is a breach of tznius for you. If I am wrong, I apologize). So you go out and after 2 hours you say you’re really tired and can we go home. It’s not worth it to make yourself look bad by backing out now.February 4, 2011 6:07 am at 6:07 am #737068
cshapiro~ you go, girl!!
< NOT meaning go out on the date, duh ;-D >February 4, 2011 6:08 am at 6:08 am #737069
yeah but why waste everyones time? although im kinda in the mood of dave & busters…lolFebruary 4, 2011 6:10 am at 6:10 am #737070
@bachur24….I dont do pity dates, its not my thing..February 4, 2011 6:11 am at 6:11 am #737071
Think of it as 2 hours (since when are dates so short?) to save his emotions. But make sure he knows where you guys are headed 🙂February 4, 2011 6:15 am at 6:15 am #737072
its his emotions vs my sanity…who do i choose?!?!
hey i gotta brilliant idea, dunno r u doing anything any night next week?? wanna come over and take my place….February 4, 2011 6:16 am at 6:16 am #737073passion4musicMember
Totally understand u with the vibe situation. But now your kind of commited to this date so u can’t really back out. It kind of sounds like HE’S trying to back out, “ill text u” in other words: “or not.” So he might not even. And u can’t tell the shadchan no bc u don’t want her to think down on u.February 4, 2011 6:19 am at 6:19 am #737074
exactly p4m…couldnt have said it better myself. but i told the shadchan and and hopefully she will tell him. im not committed cause we never set up a date, how sketchy is that??? or is it just my imagination, do i have a legit stand on this one??February 4, 2011 6:21 am at 6:21 am #737075
he didn’t set the date.
she can be ‘busy’ … busy washing her hair, busy doing laundry..
you catch my drift? 😉February 4, 2011 6:30 am at 6:30 am #737076passion4musicMember
Cshapiro-we are very alike lol. I feel u! Wait, did the bad vibes come from him being haughty or tough or anything like that? Because if it did, then your NOT going to like him. Maybe u should tell the shadchan u just don’t think its for u. Or maybe just leave it and see what happens because like I said before, sounds like he might not ‘text u.’ And yes that’s veryyy sketchy.
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