Bais Aveil Question

Home Forums Decaffeinated Coffee Bais Aveil Question

Viewing 19 posts - 1 through 19 (of 19 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #612834

    If you’re in a bais aveil and someone you know walks in, is it okay to shake hands and say “shalom Aleichem” (obviously NOT to the aveil)?

    #1016930
    squeak
    Participant

    It is not done. I’m guessing you’re hoping for response saying its not OK so you can jump down everyone’s throats about it, so go for it. I can’t tell you if its a halacha or just customary, but people do not generally greet each other in any significant way at a funeral or a shiva.

    #1016931
    TheGoq
    Participant

    And leave your phone in the car.

    #1016932
    oomis
    Participant

    It is generally not done, out of respect for the aveil who is NOT greeted with a shalom aleichem. And what Goq said. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard “Mission Impossible” suddenly play, while speaking with aveilim. People, YOU ARE NOT THAT IMPORTANT THAT YOU NEED TO BE REACHED 24/7.

    #1016933
    golfer
    Participant

    Yashi & P,

    No, it’s not okay.

    #1016934
    oomis
    Participant

    When I go to pay a shiva call, my focus is on the aveil. If someone whom I knwo walks in, I might nod to that person, but do not engage in conversation, unless it includes the aveil, who has to initiate the conversation anyway.

    #1016935
    dial427436
    Member

    It depends on the crowd if it’s quiet and you’ll draw attention don’t do it, it’s a sensitivity. That’s when you decide to first think about others and why you are there.

    #1016936

    Hey, Squeak: Your remark was uncalled for, but that doesn’t make you a bad person. I asked because I was sitting with the Aveil and someone came in and the Aveil INTRODUCED us so I offered my hand and said “Shalom Aleichem.” The guy looked at me like I was a gnat and then looked away. In a situation like that, if it’s only “not done” but it’s not a halacha, I would guess that it’s better to shake the guy’s hand than embarrass him and make him feel like an idiot. I realize that that was not the exact scenario that I presented in the question, but should it really matter?

    #1016937
    oomis
    Participant

    asked because I was sitting with the Aveil and someone came in and the Aveil INTRODUCED us so I offered my hand and said “Shalom Aleichem.” The guy looked at me like I was a gnat and then looked away”

    That appalls me. No one should embarrass someone in public (or otherwise). Even during Tisha B’Av,when we are not supposed to greet anyone, if someone DOES greet you unthinkingly, you are permitted to softly respond. And if the Aveil himself introduced you, you take your cues from the Aveil. I myself have slipped up and said, “Nice to meet you,” when thus introduced by an Aveil, to a relative of his who was there at the same time that I was paying a shiva call. It happens, and it is not a crime against humanity when it does.

    #1016938
    cherrybim
    Participant

    If it was the aveil who set up the introduction, it is perfectly proper to offer a handshake and sholom aleichem. The aveil will feel comforted by this action, and on the flip side may otherwise feel ignored.

    #1016939
    oomis
    Participant

    Cherrybim makes an interesting point. The key in any beis aveil R”L is to take our cues from the aveil.

    #1016940

    I had someone try setting me up in a beis avel, is that ok?

    #1016941
    squeak
    Participant

    Y&P sorry I stole your thunder by anticipating your intent. By all means, jump down my throat for that instead 🙂

    #1016942
    lesschumras
    Participant

    I’ve seen strange behaviour at Shiva calls. When a friends mother passed away, shadchanim and single women came to check out his father. Another friend was sitting in deceased mother’s house in Far Rockaway. Brokers made Shiva calls and tried to get my friend to hire them. Strangers treated the Shiva as if there was an open house to get an early look at the layout

    #1016943
    theshas
    Member

    No. It is not a social event. I once heard someone say, “hey I can’t wait to see you at the beis avel and hang out!” I thought it was strange.

    #1016944

    I had one o’ dem frum politicians show up when I was sitting shiva. Didn’t know me from a hole in the wall.

    #1016945

    I had one o’ dem frum politicians show up when I was sitting shiva. Didn’t know me from a hole in the wall.

    #1016946
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Did he get your vote?

    #1016947
    golfer
    Participant

    Yashi & P, as you saw from my earlier post, I am very much not in favor of people socializing when they go be menachem avel. But now that you clarified what happened to you, I wanted to add that I find it completely unacceptable to ignore someone offering a handshake. Even if that person was not introduced by the avel himself, which was what happened in your case. Ignoring someone like that is not normal behavior anywhere, including a bais avel. The person in question could have politely and briefly returned your gesture, without getting into a noisy conversation with you in front of the avel. You shouldn’t feel offended. You should feel very sorry for the person. If he behaved that way, he nebach clearly has no functioning brain cells.

Viewing 19 posts - 1 through 19 (of 19 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.