Bar Mitzvah Cost

I have made numerous bar mitzvah celebrations and including all costs never came close to $10,000 (caveat – grandparents paid for the tefillin). I don’t know where your BIL lives but we paid anywhere from $18 – 25 per person for the catered weekday seuda (included all the fees except waiters and we limited the guest list). Photographer. One man band. What’s “schnitzel brothers”? Why do you need a party planner? Shabbos kiddush – usually $9 – $10 per person. How many people you having for the Shabbos meals? Clothing – The Hat Box has a special to outfit Bar Mitzvah bochrim. Tefillin – depending on your hidurim $800 – 1500. Bar Mitzvah Teacher?

Bar Mitzvah Teacher?

Are you kidding? How could anyone afford a Bar Mitzvah teacher after all those expenses?

He could make the whole Bar Mitzvah on Shabbos and it’ll cost far far less.

How could he have a photographer and band on Shabbos?

Mazal Tov!

Talking about apples and oranges….depends on your income, local minhagim (invite everyone in the shul for the luncheon or just to a “Kiddush” with lunch reserved for the family/friends, whether lunch is table service or buffet etc. For a formal lunch, the $30K estimate is not unreasonable for upscale kosher caterer with large family/friends invited. Obviously, the norm is much lower in NYC area…typical $7000-$10,000 max for buffet lunch in shul verus renting a simcha hall nearby.

@Gadolhardorah
Yes, it is apples and oranges.
There is no reason to go into debt and spend beyond your means to impress others.
We certainly could afford the over the top celebrations, but think they are in bad taste and not good for the community as a whole.
OOT it is most common to hold the affair in the shul social hall which cuts cost. A weekday morning Bar Mitzvah is less expensive than a Shabbos event and typically will have far fewer shul members in attendance.

It is the policy in our shul that all members are invited to a cold kiddush after Shabbos services hosted and paid for by the Boy’s family. It is held in the vestry or library. Then, invited guests only attended a full luncheon in the social hall. Motzei Shabbos were typically parties for the young people only.

This is a far cry from the affairs of my childhood during the Baby Boom. My eldest brother’s Bar Mitzvah was a three day event on Labor Day Weekend for 500 guests…BUT it was 50% business guests of my father and paid for by his business. It was a chance to entertain guests with Kosher meals and entertainment not generally available in our town.

Are you kidding? How could anyone afford a Bar Mitzvah teacher after all those expenses?

I’m willing to bet that, with a little work (assuming you are in a large enough community), you can find someone to teach the Haftorah (and maybe even the laining) on a reduced-fee (or even free) basis.

The Wolf (who, in almost thirty years of teaching has never turned away a student for lack of money — but do you really want an apikorus like me teaching your twelve year old?)

start saving up for your child’s wedding or bar mitzva 5 years before, even if its only $50 a month

its time for people to start thinking out the FUTURE & not just about now & wasting thousands of dollars on unnecessary desires versus needs like food & clothing. sure you can take a family vacation but 3 times a year when your budget is tight? thats insane, instead save it towards your next child Bar mitzva or wedding

iac & Wolf: What is your rate?

iac & Wolf: What is your rate?

I don’t have one. They are free to give me whatever they want. And if it’s 0, that’s fine too.

The Wolf

GC: I collect flat fees: haftorah only $450. Haftorah with maftir $500. Full leining an additional $500 – $700.

The Torah commands us: If you got it, flaunt it. And if you don’t got it, borrow it.

Oh, vait. It doesn’t say that.

Just want to point out that there is no chiyuv to lain.
It’s a nice minhag, but a very recent minhag. From what I can tell it’s not encouraged in Israel. Even in America I know of shuls that don’t allow it ( for various reasons . Including many are concerned that due to inexperience and stage fright the boy will lain from memory and not from the klaf)
So,
It certainly makes sense to spend more on laining then the gashmius . But if finances are a concern, then don’t do it.
I gave my kids the options. One chose not to do it another did part of it. Another did the whole thing.

Bar Mitzvah Cost? Isn’t it free to turn thirteen? The only thing you have to purchase is Tefillin.

The “gashmisus versus ruchnius’ battle goes on virtually non-stop since every decision about “how much is too much” triggers a question of whether at the margin, additional expenditures don’t contribute to hidur mitzvah but rather are focused on “hidur those who are the simcha machers” (aka showing up in shul with a Calabrian esrog that cost several hundred dollars in a sterling silver box). There is no bright line test in terms of $$/person spent on a bar mitzvah any more so than having a chassidus charter a commercial jet to shlep over several hundred chassidim to join a rav at some simcha or on his vacation or advertising a “heimeshe peisach” at some incredibly expensive Florida hotel for a cost of $5,000 per family member. Its what you can afford and what makes you happy. Every dollar you spend for a simcha celebration beyond the minimum required to be yotzeh the mitzvah, at the margin, could feed some poor family or help some yesomim. But that’s not life.

DovidBT: You asked:

What’s the purpose of the Bar Mitzvah “event”? Not surew hat you mean by the “event” but it is brought down that one makes a seuda when his son on the day that the boy turns 13.

Is it primarily a family reunion, or is a recognition of the boy becoming a Bar Mitzvah? Boy becoming bar mitzvah.

If the latter, isnt it “fake” to give the boy special instruction to present the illusion that he has the ability to read any part of the Torah and/or the Prophets? Just the opposite. A bar mitzvah bochur is normally given the amud for maariv and to lead the zimun to specifically demonstrate that he has attained the age of mitzvos. Since we generally do not allow a child under bar mitzvah to lein or read the haftorah, this comes under the category of demonstrating that he has attained the age of mitzvos.

As someone who teaches boys to lein at the time of their bar mitzvah, it is not an illusion. They actually can read from the torah and I give them the “tools” to be able to become a baal koreh if they so choose.

GC: We don’t know what neighborhood your BIL lives in so we can’t say if it’s reasonable or not. Based on the community in Flatbush it is extremely overpriced. We made an aufruf last year where the catered lunch for approximately 70 people was ~$1800.

me12345: I have made that suggestion to a number of parents. Almost everyone of them declined my suggestion.

You also wrote:
“It also doesn’t take more then 4-6 months by a competent teacher. Any teacher and a student with a decent work ethic. Any longer you need to question how good the teacher is and if your son really wants to lain…”. I am sorry but I would guess you have never given these type of lessons. Except for certain parshiyos like Netzavim and Vayelech it is difficult to complete this in 6 months. Possible? Yes. Having taught close to 100 bochurim I can tell you that the system I use takes closer to 8 – 10 months. One has to take into account when the bar mitzvah falls on the calendar. If it’s in September – December one basically loses the 2 months in the summer to sleepaway camp thereby causing one to start earlier than 6 months before. If it’s in January – March one has to budget time for the Yomim Noraim, Sukkos, chol hamoed trips, mid terms, finals, mid winter vacations and possible missing a lesson or 2 due to illness. My general schedule – Two weeks for trop recognition, two weeks to teach the tune. I start with the haftora which averages 4-6 weeks depending on the length of the haftora. For example the haftora of Vayechi is 12 pesukim and generally only takes 2 weeks with a third week to teach the nusach for the brochos after the haftora. Parshas Shemini when not Machor Chodesh is 39 pesukim and needs 6 – 8 weeks. Most pasrshios averages 120 pesukim. My students are taught 5-6 pesukim a week which means, on average a parsha takes 20 – 24 weeks which doesn’t include weeks set aside for full review. Parshiyos like Vayeitzei (154 pesukim) and Mikeitz (146 pesukim) take even longer as there are no pesuchos or stumos and the bochur only sees a “sea of words”. Please don’t throw around the word “competent” if you yourself have never actually taught anybody.

Iac: you missed my point. Once you teach the trup why are you “teaching” and only 4 or 5 pesukim per week. I don’t pretend to be a teacher, it happens to be that I’ve taught a few kids full parshiyos with haftorah, but when I was taught the 1st week was dikduk the 2nd week was the trup until I actually understood that the symbols symbolize a time. And the 3rd week we put it all together and we learnt a full aliyah. My parsha is shoftim which is a small parsha and I knew the basics of leining before so I’m not expecting everyone to be this quick, but it took me 7 weeks for the parsha and my teacher told me to listen closely to the bal koreh in shul for the haftorah trup so it took me another 2 weeks to master. The whole thing was 3 months. If your “teaching 3 or 4 pesukim a week” it has to be that your not doing a good job teaching. The best way to learn is for the kid to figure out the leining on his own. I used to come to my lessons every sunday having mastered the next aliyah and my teacher used to go it over with me and point put little mistakes.

To sum up what I’m pointing out: if he is not preparing by himself he’s a parrot and if he ever wants to lein again he’s gonna have to do the work (which your being paid to teach) on his own. I’m also proud to say that the half dozen kids that I’ve taught have all leined again shortly after without my help learning a new parsha because they already new how to lein!

So we recently made a bar mitzvah, with a nice party for much less. Not sure where you live, but there are some very nice halls in Flatbush and even Boro Park that charge 25-30 per person. If you use a caterer with their own hall, there is no rental or mashgiach fee. One photographer, who gives a CD of pictures is $500. One man band, who also plays games with kids $650. Shtick from Oriental Trading $250. If you must have centerpieces balloons at $10 a table. Total cost for a party we made last year for 190 people was $8,000. Still expensive, but nowhere near the $20,000 you quoted.