Be Our Fly on Wall for Shidduch Symposium
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- This topic has 12 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 13 years, 6 months ago by mybat.
November 25, 2009 8:48 pm at 8:48 pm #590857
There’s supposed to be a shidduch symposium tomorrow at the Agudah conv. If anyone’s going, please let us know what happens. I’d love reliable feedback.
Please, no cynicism or being mevazeh any of the chashuveh panelists. Agree or disagree, they are expending great personal energy and resources l’shem Shamayim.November 27, 2009 2:35 pm at 2:35 pm #668986
I’d hoped for some info from the second article on the homepage about the Thursday sessions but it wouldn’t open.November 29, 2009 2:32 am at 2:32 am #668987
OK, I just read the “dialogue” on the homepage but YWN’s intrepid convention-goers. (I would comment there but despite repeated messages to the editors my comments don’t go through there.) (Oh, and for some reason, I “heard” the dialogue in my head to the voices of NPR’s Car Brothers.)
Were they serious about the girls and money? Used to be guys – good guys – would wait to get married till they knew they could support a family, since it wasn’t appropriate in the secular world for pregnant women and mothers to work, and who would have dreamed of asking the parents for such kind of help?November 30, 2009 2:34 am at 2:34 am #668988luv2laffMember
A yeshiva guy, who is on the market has no right to ask before he dates the girl if the family has money.It says those who marry for the money they will have children that will go off the path chas v’salom!!! Is everything money??November 30, 2009 2:41 pm at 2:41 pm #668989mom12Participant
And if they have money who says they are willing to share so readily…
I know of a case where support was promised,but after a year or two the father told his son-in-law to start supporting himself etc…well to make along story short the learning family is living in a basement with quite a few children..and NOT on talking terms with the father..SO MUCH FOR MONEY!November 30, 2009 3:09 pm at 3:09 pm #668990
Actually, no, but it seems that way. And the dynamic duo, whose conversation was recorded earlier (and what about the rest of the convention? We want to hear about that too!) seemed to imply that someone explicitly said that there are advantages to marrying an older girl established in her profession. Advantage to the boy I guess. What advantages are there to the girls? What bonuses are they getting? I know, B”H, a boy who is seriously devoted to learning. Shouldn’t that be the norm? Back in the day the term ben Torah did NOT just belong to someone learning in kollel. It meant a person living his life according to the Torah who was seriously committed to growth, and learned significantly in his discretionary time. Are the girls supposed to be so grateful to find SOMEONE who will marry them that that’s what’s in it for THEM?November 30, 2009 8:12 pm at 8:12 pm #668991bptParticipant
One of the comments correctly pointed out that while the 14% are still in a lot of pain, our current system, with all its flaws, boasts of a 86% success rate.
Yet, none of these things presented an obstacle I could not overcome. What was the magic bullet? My parents raised me to believe in my abilities, but not convince me that I had abilities that I truly do not possess. And with this in mind, I could not expect to be given every opportunity that others (yichus, money, looks) will be handed.
Hopefully some of the 14% will take a good look at themselves and realize they have at least, if not more, going for them than half of the 86% that are married. Some times, clearly seeing the facts help you find the solution that is right under your nose.
It also bears mention that there are many single men in their 30s and 40s who, because they are reluctant to face reality, are still convinced they can expect to be redt a 24 year old. Impossible? Nothing is impossible. But the clock is ticking, and its valuable time.
EDITEDNovember 30, 2009 8:22 pm at 8:22 pm #668992jewish and working 22Member
Does anyone know where we can find transcripts or articles on all the seminars given over the weekend?November 30, 2009 8:32 pm at 8:32 pm #668993gavra_at_workParticipant
(Let me first say up front I do have some negius, as I am well aware of Moshe’s work in the field).
The point being made (which is a good one) was that assuming the girl wants to marry a learning boy, she is in a better “position” (and therefore brings more to the table) if she gets married later than earlier (as she will have more saved up). Its only the “crisis” that makes people (read: boys & their mothers) think that a younger 19 year old girl is better for them than a more settled (and more able to support) woman.
Your point is a different discussion: Why are the girls insisting on someone who will B’Davka NOT support THEM!?
(as required by the kesubah, as many have pointed out)November 30, 2009 9:21 pm at 9:21 pm #668994arcParticipant
Speaking from experience, I can safely say that (barring a truly rare exception) everyone that wants to get married can.
It’s also very general “can” what does that mean and by what age.
EDITEDNovember 30, 2009 9:57 pm at 9:57 pm #668995neatfreakMember
Just by the way, the kesuba is not “halacha limosha misiyni”. its a contract. and if the wife is willing to say that if he goes to learn she will be mivater on that part of the kesuba for now then its completely fine. When it comes time that she is no longer mivater, or willing to exchange the zchus from his learning for her being the one out working, then he has to go out and make the $.
And what happens when the husband is working but his salary is not enough and she goes out to work too? is that any better??November 30, 2009 10:41 pm at 10:41 pm #668996bptParticipant
“can” means that if you are willing to accept your shortcomings and those of the people who are in your relative arena, you can find a compatible spouse. Not a perfect one, as anyone knows there is no such thing, but one with which you can both build a future.
And it makes no difference if you’re 30 or 45, there ARE people in your situation who would make a good partner. Does that mean at 40 you need to make peace with a size 16? Or someone with 8 kids? Depends on what you’re bringing to the table. But to reject someone becuase “its not what I’m looking for”? PLease, after you’ve dated 200+ people you still cant find someone that fits your bill, the problem is in your lap, not the shadchans. (makes no diffenrce which gender you are). I overheard my wife on the phone discussing a shidduch with a friend about 2 people in very their late 20s. From the questions, you would think they were talking about a just out of the freezerBMG boy and a just off the plane Sem girl. Hello? At this age and after the number of folks they have turned down, they should just go out. Yes, I know it costs $100+ to go on a date, and its lots of work and preparation and there is always the chance of being disapointed. Know what? Marrige is the same thing. And if at almost 30 these 2 kid are still not grasping what’s involved, there is a crisis of a different sortDecember 1, 2009 2:14 am at 2:14 am #668998mybatMember
BPtotty makes a good point. You come to a certain point in your life and you have to wake up and realize that you will never find a partner that’s 100% exactly what you are looking for. That could apply for an 18 year old as well as for a 30 year old.
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