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this has been something that has been bothering me for a long time. I’ve seen it in the CR and I’ve seen it IRL. it drives me bananas. up the wall. i go crazy from it. and there is no reason for it. and lots of people do it. its not just one person. and its not just one type of person or group of people who do it. it spans the nation. and i don’t know what to do about it.
but what am i talking about? am i talking about people talking L”H? no i’m not. am i talking about bittul zman? no that’s not what i’m talking about either. you probably don’t even realize if you do it. i didn’t notice that i did it until something that happened to my friend. she was using a lash curler and accidentally pulled out a few lashes. my first reaction was “ouch!!” and i said to her “OUCH!!! i’m sorry!”. (and my eyes did tear up just thinking about how it felt) and she said to me “FINALLY!!!!! you are the first person who said sorry after i told them what happened”. and that baffled me. cuz what else do you say when someone hurts themselves? she told me that all the other people she told this to just told her oh you should eat more fruits and vegis so you get more vitamins so your lashes will grow back” and that really annoyed me. do you guys get what it is that’s bothering me?
second scenario happened here in the CR. someone posted that someone else got hurt. and i knew one of the first comments would be well of course he got hurt cuz he did XYZ. and i was right. and it HATE being right in instances like this.
if you don’t get what i’m saying i’ll spell it out. why do people jump to criticize? why can’t you ACKNOWLEDGE the pain first. and then if you feel you must point out what was wrong, i can’t stop you. why are people so quick to criticize rather than validate anther human being’s feelings? the only answer i came up with is its easier to be critical rather than empathize with another person’s pain. but that’s just my theory and i’d be glad to hear more suggestions.
taking a break, you are right, unfortunately for some people it is easier to criticize than to empathize. It may come from a mentality of “I am right”, and from caring only about myself, and with such a mentality, people refuse to see how others can be right, or even the pain of other people. I think if people would be able to see the effects of their criticism and see the hurt the are causing from always trying to defend and justify themselves at the expense of others, they may change their outlook. But it’s difficult to see that far ahead, especially for someone like that. Thanks for posting this. I can use your post for myself as well, since I sometimes unfortunately refuse to see the views of others when I think I am right, so it’s something I really can work on. Thanks again!
You are so right. Sometimes it is lack of empathy and sometimes people are just trying to avoid pain at all costs. I’m one of those annoying moms who, when I see my kids do this, will say, “It sounds like you don’t like that she’s in pain, why not just say so”. I figure that if I introduce the concept enough while they are young it will be in the back of their psyche somewhere to pull out when they need it.
this is a really weird thread, and I have no idea what you’re even talking about. So if someone tells me I should always say OUCH?
ok.
not weird i think its very nice, and you’re totally right i should really be more conscious of what my first reaction is when i hear that someone got hurt. Thanks for the help!
I’m not so clear on the OP.
The example you gave is someone being blamed for not protecting himself? Like an “I told you so”…? Honestly, I don’t remember noticing it in the CR but, the only way to fix something is to be aware, so thank you for mentioning.
so true. I noticed that when you empathize with someone, they share a bit more of the pain and then get over it. whereas when someone criticizes, the ‘victim’ tries to defend his/her honor and the pain or discomfort will last for a long time.
I dont want to sterotype, but this may be a Venus/Mars thing. Women are generally more intuned to sympathize, while men tend towards looking for a solution. Men also have a more difficult time being sympathetic when the injury occured because of stupidity or ignorance.
yungerman1: lol! i couldnt help laughing when i read your post! now that you bring out this point, its true! my husband and many other men say they dont understand women. most of the time its just sympathy that we need…lol!
You wanna know what drives me bananas? It’s a ‘him’. My local grocery / produce dept. Really. Every other week. They get a fresh stock. “Drivin’ me bananas!”
taking a break – i couldn’t agree with you more! nothing is worse then when you tell someone you just burt your hand taking cookies out of the oven and the person says “clutz! how’d you manage that?”
yungerman1 – you make a pretty good argument 🙂 but it is still no excuse to undermine someone else’s pain. if someone relates an uncomfortable situation he/she (especially she) is obviously seeking sympathy. once thats then done by all means solve the problem/put in your own two cents!
taking a break –
Yungerman1 is right, it is definitely a girl/guy thing. It isn’t always a “me” thing. If you look at the examples you gave yourself, it isn’t really just criticism that bothers you. It’s any “logical” reaction. You want to feel that the other person feels along with you, and is so “in it” that of course he/she won’t offer any words of advice etc. right now because IT HURTS! Men like to fix things. A man might even be quashing feelings of empathy because seeing your pain he instinctively wants to make it go away and this is how he (stupidly) thinks he’ll make it better. Some women are like men in this respect (and vice versa of course). And of course, there could be the “me” mentality involved, but I wouldn’t be quick to judge.
What people really need is good communication. If it’s someone you’re close to, just say it! “Thank you so much for trying to help, but when I’m hurting it doesn’t make me feel better to hear that.” Or something like that, and with a non-judgmental attitude. People can be surprisingly receptive to such straightforward communication, and it helps a lot in relationships.
Oh, and while we’re on this topic – look at Popa’s second post here (http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/frustration) for a good laugh.
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