January 4, 2011 3:31 pm at 3:31 pm #593942
I recently wanted to set my friend up with someone. she said no because her mother doesnt want a boy who comes from a divorce home and because the father is a goy but he is out of the picture. But because the mother doesnt want that she wont consider going out with him. How do I tell the boy in this case?
And in general how do I tell either the boy or girl no?January 4, 2011 4:30 pm at 4:30 pm #725680aries2756Participant
This is always the difficult part. Just say that the mom thought you sounded like a great guy but that she had something different in mind. If he pushes just say she didn’t give you any details. There is no reason to get into it and hurt him. Just tell him you will keep your eyes and ears open and do the best you can for him.January 4, 2011 4:51 pm at 4:51 pm #725681not IMember
Rule #1 when redting shidduchim to friends, NEVER tell them that you are working on a shidduch for them. There is NO reason for them to get excited.. You can tell them you are working on something but not the details!January 4, 2011 5:00 pm at 5:00 pm #725682tzippiMember
not I, often you have to let someone know, if you didn’t have an official resume etc. already.January 4, 2011 5:08 pm at 5:08 pm #725683
Instead of making him feel rejected which can put someone in depression, the best approach would be to tell him that after looking more into it, I don’t think she is for you. If he asks why then just say after thinking about it I just don’t see it working out. Leave it at that and just don’t discuss anything further.January 4, 2011 5:12 pm at 5:12 pm #725684popa_bar_abbaParticipant
I think you need to tell him. Say, “she does not want to date you at this time”.January 4, 2011 5:35 pm at 5:35 pm #725685
Reply to popa:
That would just lead him to think that he might have a chance in the future. Many people do that and that’s not right. You are giving him hope that it might happen again, and what are you going to do if down the road he tries and she’s available. What are you going to say then.January 4, 2011 5:42 pm at 5:42 pm #725687popa_bar_abbaParticipant
A. It does not imply that she is busy, it implies she is not interested, but may be interested at some later time. That is true- nobody can say they will never be interested.
B. I think it is better than lying to him. Especially since if you say you changed your mind, he will say, “I didn’t”.January 4, 2011 6:22 pm at 6:22 pm #725689
I hear you but most people say that just to get out of a situation easily. The reason why the mother didn’t want it will never change. In a case like that I don’t think there is hope. In a general case where they are just not interested, then what you said before could might make sense but still don’t think it’s right because that’s giving them false hopes. In this case, it doesn’t seem like it’ll ever happen again.
Sometimes a lie is allowed and I wouldn’t really call it a lie anyways. If you told him the truth it might make him worse and that could probably lead him to go off the derech. So, in this case, you could possibly be saving his life by not telling him the truth.January 4, 2011 7:45 pm at 7:45 pm #725690ProfessionalMember
no need to hurt anyone, especially when it comes to something they have no control over. (his parents etc.)
saying something nice would work best.
“she is not available, will think of other ideas for you”.
in shamayim there is a reward not only for completing a shiduch, but also for encouraging and giving someone a positive experience.
and we all need to try to help singles around us!! great mitzva and zchus! choose situations you feel comfortable with and that you can expect to be able to be helpful.January 4, 2011 8:24 pm at 8:24 pm #725691artchillParticipant
Tell the boy to check out Yeshiva World Coffee Room to figure it out!
If you are trying to be sensitive and not hurt his feelings, why put it out on the web???January 4, 2011 11:53 pm at 11:53 pm #725692
i am going to go with miamigirl on thisJanuary 5, 2011 1:01 am at 1:01 am #725693bein_hasdorimParticipant
As an aspiring Shadchan I can tell you, you never give the specific reasons unless it is something that can be worked on or changed.
First of all, you ALWAYS start with “although they heard very nice thing about you”… then, for instance in OP case,
“after looking into it they felt it wasn’t a match. or
“after looking into it they feel your not her/his type.
Then when they ask what do you mean, you repeat
“They just felt it wasn’t a match.”
You might have to repeat this a few times till it sinks in,
Throwing in an “I guess it’s not Bashert, when it finally sinks in, then you say i’ll look into some other things.
Then you’re good to go.
Do not give any details cuz then they will make you nuts to elaborate which will always cause heartache for them & yourself.
Some people even make up stuff just to keep them quiet,
usually because they made the mistake of giving details.
The bottom line is they’re not interested. What difference
does it make of why, to the other side?
To go on a diet? That should be obvious to them.
To get a nose job? most people are well aware of their ultra jewish nose. To go back in time & get a counselor to save their
marriage? Common! Theres really no point and it’s usually a question of lashon hora, or embarrassing someone.January 5, 2011 4:36 pm at 4:36 pm #725694tomim tihyeMember
WiseWoman, I was in same exact situation, and Popa’s method worked well.January 7, 2011 8:18 pm at 8:18 pm #725695
So heres what i said:
“after she thought about it she decided its not for her.” he didnt ask me questions but the next day he started texting my hsuband “why noy why not” he didnt answer. ok its over and done with!
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