March 30, 2011 4:00 pm at 4:00 pm #596004lovebeingjewishParticipant
I have a question for CR that i need some clarity on.
So when a guy has been dating not soo long but in his mid 20’s and girls are suggested to him, some girls he goes out with and some girls he does not for whatever reason.
I dont want to sound shallow but we know looks is a big thing for people when dating. We know beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Everyone has turned down a potential shidduch here and there for reasons that they weren’t attracted to that person. ok fine. But why when you go to get a blessing from a Rabbi or Talmid Chacham for help finding your zivug, he tells you that you already passed her up, you thought she wasn’t pretty or had a big nose or whatever. How can that be? Your obviously not attracted to the person and doesnt the Torah say or Rabbis say you MUST be attracted to your wife? Hashem instills in a person certain feelings for the way they feel, does he not? Of course using them with commonsense but somethings you can’t help..
We know that one will find their zivug/bashert whatever you want to call it when Hashem says its the right time, but to be told that is a little discouraging..i need some clarity on this..anyone?March 30, 2011 4:24 pm at 4:24 pm #753957shlishiMember
looks have a place in shidduchim. no one says otherwise. the problem is the priority given to looks in todays society is inappropriate and out of place. it comes after many other priorities like middos, etc. no one should be looking for miss america or some kind of a model.March 30, 2011 4:32 pm at 4:32 pm #753958gavra_at_workParticipant
Marrying someone who you are strongly attracted to prevents problems later in the marriage.
Settling for someone who you are “not so” attracted to (but is “somewhat pretty) contributes to the “divorce crisis”.March 30, 2011 4:34 pm at 4:34 pm #753959always hereParticipant
“But why when you go to get a blessing from a Rabbi or Talmid Chacham for help finding your zivug, he tells you that you already passed her up, you thought she wasn’t pretty or had a big nose or whatever.”
I thought that was one particular story, with an OLD bachur… passed up his zivug cuz she had a big nose.
I don’t think this is the usual bracha one gets from a Rebba for a shidduch… I would think it would be more along the lines of ‘hatzlacha rabbah!’ or ‘b’shaa tova!’March 30, 2011 4:44 pm at 4:44 pm #753960TheGoqParticipant
hey always glad to see your still always hereMarch 30, 2011 4:51 pm at 4:51 pm #753961HAKOL TOVMember
i think that ppl have to know that marriage will bring attraction. living with your spouse will bring on love! of course there has to be some sort of attraction before but there is no need for it to be there all the way!March 30, 2011 5:02 pm at 5:02 pm #753962truth be toldMember
Can anyone verify or site a reliable source for the “pass up” line?March 30, 2011 5:37 pm at 5:37 pm #753963shlishiMember
I heard from rabbonim that the divorce crisis is in large part because people put too much emphasis on looks rather than middos and other appropriate things to look for in a spouse.March 30, 2011 5:48 pm at 5:48 pm #753964truth be toldMember
I don’t believe the pass-up line was saidMarch 30, 2011 5:49 pm at 5:49 pm #753965lovebeingjewishParticipant
yeh but you’re either attracted to her or not…she can be pretty to others but to you, shes NOT ugly BUT theres something inside you thats not triggering an attraction signal.March 30, 2011 8:14 pm at 8:14 pm #753966oomisParticipant
Everyone deserves to be married to someone who finds THEM attractive. No one should feel their spouse merely settled for them. That’s a terrible feeling. The problem is with today’s emphasis being put on the MOST superficial examination of physical attributes, to the point that unless a girl is a specific number size, or the boy is a certain number in height, or even the MOTHERS of these two meet certain physical criteria, that some people are refusing shidduchim that might otherwise be wonderful for them.
It used to be that a boy and girl were redt to each other, and based on very casual information, the date was made. It worked – great, if not, on to the next one. Now, people are demanding such EXACTING details of minutiae about both parties, that many shidduchim are actually not ending up being redt at all. And that is a crying shame. Do we REALLY need to know when the boy or girl toilet-trained?????????March 30, 2011 9:10 pm at 9:10 pm #753967MindOverChatterParticipant
If you truly like a person, s/he is beautiful to you. I’d rather appreciate inner beauty than outer. When you get to know a person very well, you can see his/her character. And THAT’S what counts. Of course you have to get attracted, but you can get attracted even if s/he isn’t a striking beauty.March 30, 2011 10:25 pm at 10:25 pm #753968pet peeveMember
mind over chatter
i dont mean to be nit-picky; a thought just occurred to me. you said that inner beauty is what is important to you. what constitutes “inner beauty”? is it a person’s middos? their brains? personality?
obviously, i understand how a person’s essence and their character are what is the “ikar”–im just asking what is considered BEAUTY. everyone has flaws–if someone’s middos are less than perfect, does that mean they are not beautiful (internally)?
im directing this at you since you mentioned it, but anyone, please elaborate.March 30, 2011 11:06 pm at 11:06 pm #753969MindOverChatterParticipant
IMHO, it’s one’s middos that matters most. Everyone has their flaws, of course. But if they’re willing to change, they have ?????, then they’re beautiful to me. Once you get to see one’s inner beauty, you see that they’re beautiful on the outside too. OTOH, when you get to see what that “stunner” is really like on the inside, their beauty fades.
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