Bochur not getting dates
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- This topic has 35 replies, 16 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 5 months ago by MTAB.
December 31, 2017 7:53 am at 7:53 am #1439655
I am a bochur from NYC who has been in the parsha for a year now. 8 different shadchan networs have my resume, but I have not been getting any dates. I also have not been getting too many resumes, despite countless follow-ups with
+ I am not a BT, but all of my family and friends are OTD and reluctant to offer any eitzus.
Am I alone?December 31, 2017 11:16 am at 11:16 am #1439825
I haven’t been getting too many dates either.
You know you only gotta marry one.December 31, 2017 11:50 am at 11:50 am #1439856
I hate to say this, but if your family as well as your friends are OTD, that might be the reason. Yes, I know you don’t marry the parents or siblings, but it is effectively a culture clash.
My suggestion is to look outside the box… outside your particular community, a girl who is a BT, perhaps from overseas where yichus isn’t such an issue.
Re-do your profile and re-think your priorities. Good luck!December 31, 2017 11:51 am at 11:51 am #1439844JosephParticipant
moshearyeh: I have not been getting any dates.
Shopping: I haven’t been getting too many dates either.
Sounds like a match!December 31, 2017 11:51 am at 11:51 am #1439847JJ2020Participant
Moshe- there is a shidduch crisis for boys too. It’s not easy. If you are in a smaller community you may have to look at other cities. Also if you have a bad reputation from your friends and family that doesn’t help at home either.
I’d like to point something out that may be hard to hear but could be helpful if you are open to hear it. If your family and friends are otd, something is up. You have undoubtedly been affected by having family otd. And why are all your friends otd? Most people don’t go off. If you have a few friends that understandable. But if it’s too many why are you ending up with such friends? It is worth while to find a very good therapist. It’s hard to find. Most perhaps aren’t that great. If you have Relief where you live ask for a referral. Almost certainly working through things will help you. Hatzalah.December 31, 2017 1:10 pm at 1:10 pm #1440011
I grew up in the posh left wing of Modern Orthodoxy (not Open O, which is borderline OTD. I was zoche to escape that market-driven cult after learning at Yeshivat Ohr Yerushalayim.
I am on my own regarding shiduchim. My oilam has tried to set me up with girls that claim to be frum but dress like kadeishos.January 1, 2018 9:38 am at 9:38 am #1440407
More like I need someone chareidi not yeshivish..January 1, 2018 9:38 am at 9:38 am #1440406
I have my own issues. I get set up with boys who are frum but have smartphones….
But I’m only willing to live in Israel, but I don’t want someone zionistic.January 1, 2018 12:15 pm at 12:15 pm #1440544CTLAWYERParticipant
I’ll take the bull by the horns and be blunt>>>>
What have you got to offer a prospective wife?
It does not sound like you are prepared to support a wife and children, equip/furnish a home and your OTD family is not a candidate to underwrite your expenses.
If a prospective in-law is to be asked/expected to subsidize his daughter and son-in-law, he may not be interested in a bochur with no money and no yichus with OTD friends and family.
Mrs. CTL and I let our daughters know that we’d not be supporting sons-in-law who sat and learned while our daughters were expected to work to pay the bills. We come from the learn, then marry and earn school of thought.
It is time for a reality check, bochur. You can’t change who your family is, but you can change your friends. You may also have to change your yeshiva and associate with a new group of people.January 1, 2018 2:13 pm at 2:13 pm #1440557
Again, my family is on the left-wing of Modern Orthodoxy, which is borderline OTD. Like most LWMO people,
My family is prejudiced against frummies, and they and they turn their backs on people with sons that are shtark or with daughters who are tznius and marry before 27.
As I have said, I am seeking an alternative to the shadchan system.January 1, 2018 3:18 pm at 3:18 pm #1440586
Being perceived as having flaws shouldn’t stop a person from getting dates. If anything, it would cause them to be matched up with other people perceived as having flaws.January 1, 2018 3:19 pm at 3:19 pm #1440585
Moshe, your parents don’t like frum people and you are looking to them for help? Or even listening to them? While kibud av is important, you have an obligation to marry and live a frum life. If they are putting roadblocks in your way, find a different route.
IMO you aren’t ready to get married. I suggest you find a frum dating coach/therapist who can help you be stronger and less self-pitying. You will also learn how to handle your family and all the naysayers who surround you. Could it be they are the perfect excuse because deep down, something is holding you back?
Stop trying to find a date. Stop blaming everyone, including “the system.” Get some professional advice and support and when you feel empowered and more secure, you’ll begin again. lots of luck, let us know when you are a chossen.January 1, 2018 4:31 pm at 4:31 pm #1440627
HML, nowhere has the OP been self-pitying, stated that he was listening to his parents, or blamed the system. I think your comment was a reaction to an imagined version of him in your head, because deep down, you have your own problems with the system and you are really arguing with that part of yourself.January 2, 2018 4:15 pm at 4:15 pm #1441227
RebYidd23 – I have B”H married off every one of my children – all within “the system.” It works. I guess you must be an amateur psychologist… projecting YOUR views on to me.
See how it goes?January 2, 2018 4:16 pm at 4:16 pm #1441221
so much for the myth that the bochurim have listsJanuary 2, 2018 4:29 pm at 4:29 pm #1441243Eli YParticipant
I’m sorry about your difficult time Moshe. It is hard to meet people without family and friends assisting. I’ve seen some of the comments here and I must state that some are so negative and arrogant that it pains me.
My advice to you is to pray often with tears if they come. I’m sure Hashem will hear you and may He grant you peace and a beautiful relationship with many children.January 2, 2018 5:05 pm at 5:05 pm #1441247
Wow HML, either you just don’t get it, or I was completely right.January 2, 2018 5:05 pm at 5:05 pm #1441250RebyosselParticipant
My uncle used to say from all Dates turn out to be Figs…..maybe your need a great shadchen who will match you up with the right girl and dont forget 40 days before a person is born hashem writes your zivig…dont listen to everyones comment here, your basherte is here and you will find it….learn from Rubashkin never to loose emunah in hashem and the miracle will come…January 2, 2018 5:50 pm at 5:50 pm #1441280
Rebyossel, you used the word “loose” instead of “lose”. Your other mistakes are forgivable, but that one is not. We are enemies now.January 3, 2018 12:25 am at 12:25 am #1441435☢️ Rand0m3x 🎲Participant
so much for the myth that the bochurim have lists
A post that does not actually confirm the perception that
frum people don’t understand what “anecdotal evidence” is.
(In this case, it wouldn’t make sense anyway.)January 3, 2018 6:36 am at 6:36 am #1441469WinnieThePoohParticipant
You are not the first MO bochur to grow and become more right winged/yehsivish compared to his family. I know of many such boys who have made fine appropriate shidduchim. I think the key is to leave your environment/community and join one that is more like-minded. Once you are part of that community, then people you become close to there can look after your shidduch interests. Many bochurim like you go to E”Y to learn and stay several years. They become part of their yeshiva community and find shidduchim through their yeshiva contacts. Their background is not relevant at that point, because they have removed themselves from that background. I understand from your posts that you finished learning in Yeshiva in EY and are now back home. As long as you live at home, are around your very MO family and old friends, you will be perceived as one of them, which could explain why shidduchim are going nowhere. You need to show that you want something different for your future compared to your past.- perhaps by moving out to a different community, either to attend Yeshiva or college (preferably a frum one where you can make contacts within a more fitting community) or both together. Find yourself a nice family where you can be a ben-bayis there. Hatzlacha.January 3, 2018 7:38 am at 7:38 am #1441479yeshivabochur123Participant
Nobody likes when people are negative about their parents even when they are less frum than you. Maybe if you worked on your relationship with your parents so that they would be supportive of your religious choices more yeshivish girls would be open to dating you. Of course this would require you to respect them as well. They can’t be too bad if they sent you to day school and yeshiva in israel. At the end of the day most parents just want to see their children settled and happy. My advice make good with your parents and then dating will fall into place. I know many friends who married girls from more modern families. It didn’t bother them as long as the families were supportive.January 3, 2018 9:35 am at 9:35 am #1441489E120Participant
What are your priorities in getting married? I see many boys who are very vague about what they can contribute to a marriage, but will clearly state that they want a wife who is very beautiful/fashionable and has a professional career (ie. will support them). Shadchanim may not have girls who are interested in a boy like that. I don’t know you and this may not be your situation at all, I’m just suggesting a potential reason why you’re not being redt.January 3, 2018 10:19 am at 10:19 am #1441509
If a girl wants a boy who only wants to marry someone ugly and jobless, she’s gonna have a hard time.January 3, 2018 10:20 am at 10:20 am #1441548JosephParticipant
E120: What are the girls contributions and priorities for marriage? Shadchanim have many more girls needing shidduchim than boys.January 3, 2018 11:44 am at 11:44 am #1441658
If a bochur expects me to be super stylish and pretty like a model, than I’m sorry, he should be working out and looking like a male model.
Also I ain’t supporting anyone. My chosson is gonna support me. Kids need a mother, not a babysitter, ganenet, cleaner and cook.January 3, 2018 11:44 am at 11:44 am #1441640
E120, I am thoughtful of others. I happily breach my comfort zone to be helpful to others.
I just simply don’t know how I can find myself the one if family and friends can’t set me up since they do not know any single girls outside of their Looksteindig LWMO bubble.January 3, 2018 12:29 pm at 12:29 pm #1441683cherrybimParticipant
Try donating to the new sponsor a daf for finding a shidduch business.January 3, 2018 12:49 pm at 12:49 pm #1441696
There is a difference between wanting something and expecting it. A bachur shouldn’t expect a girl to look like a model, support the household, cook gourmet meals, clean the house constantly, and be able to spin straw into gold. But there is nothing wrong with wanting those things.January 3, 2018 1:20 pm at 1:20 pm #1441711
I am not demanding to date a model. And I learn only part-time.
I am just asking for eitzus. My question in the OP was,
WHAT DO EX-MODOX BOCHURIM THAT BECOME MORE YESHIVISH DO FOR SHIDUCHIM?
My rebbeim from yeshiva have encouraged us to meet with shadchanim, but the shadchanim I’ve been using are too overwhelmed.January 3, 2018 4:22 pm at 4:22 pm #1441801E120Participant
RebYidd23: By “very beautiful and a professional” I meant “looks like a model and has a career as a PA”. If you think the only alternative to that is “ugly and jobless”, instead of average-looking and with a lower-paying job, that’s your problem.
Joseph: Of course girls should work on their priorities and plan to contribute to their marriages, I never said they shouldn’t. I said girls may be put off if a boy has a lot of expectations for them and not for himself.
Shopping613: I hope to work at most part-time when my kids are young. IMO a lot of the substance abuse and OTD problems we have now are caused by kids feeling lost and unwanted because both their parents were working full time and expected schools/camps to “raise” them.
moshearyeh45: I was just suggesting it as a possibility, but it sounds like that’s not your issue. As for the problem of being set up, I hear. I’m a BT so my family can’t help, and shadchanim never seem to have time. Apart from keeping in touch to remind the shadchanim you exist, you can ask married friends if their wives know any girls. If the wives of any of your Rebbeim teach girls, they may know someone. If you daven at a shul that’s your hashkafa the Rav should know which families in his community have girls in shidduchim. Being invited out to Shabbos meals is a good way for more families to meet you so they can have you in mind if they hear of someone shayach. It can be uncomfortable to announce “I’m in shidduchim and this is what I’m looking for” to someone you just met, but without family help we have to do more hishtadlus.January 4, 2018 7:51 am at 7:51 am #1442609WinnieThePoohParticipant
To risk sounding repetitive, you have to change and broaden the circle of people you hang out with, make new connections in other communities that are more relevant. It’s about networking. If you can’t move to a different community, then get shabbos invitations by families who might have connections, develop personal relationships with a shul rav or rebbeim from yeshiva, past or present.
I also advice that you pick one person as your shidduch guru- someone to go to for advice, someone who can help you check out suggestions and make phone calls for you, someone who can represent you to shadchanim- in other words, acting as a parent would, since your parents do not seem to be part of the loop.January 4, 2018 7:52 am at 7:52 am #1442606
Look, the system is a mess regardless of what anyone tells you. It’s a mess in particular if you don’t fit the mold or have trouble pretending that you do – which is what most people who seem to fit it do. And there’s 100 ways of not fitting the mold.
Allow me, who suffered through this, to make some suggestions.
1) Be as frum as you can be. I’m not talking about driving yourself crazy or faking it. But come as close as you can to Hashem and mitzvos in a healthy way and look to Him for help with this. I have found that the more people are tied up in gentile culture, the more trouble they have getting married.
2) Either work towards serious learning or serious parnassah with kovaya itim.
3) Use all the matchmaking tools. There are singles events, websites, matchmakers, and connections.
4) Create a dating resume and hand it out.
5) Don’t take opportunities for granted. If you meet a decent girl, marry her. Don’t think somebody a little bit better is around the corrner.
6) Don’t think you have forever. Get busy with this.January 4, 2018 11:56 am at 11:56 am #1442807
Ok listen. Here some advice.
1) Shadchanim EVERYWHERE are overwhelmed. I went to a “good shachan” 2 months ago who has yet to even give me a single name of a person. Sometimes I think she might of forgotten about my existence. It’s all from Hashem, you have to do your hishtadlus and go to a few shachanim. Whoever isn’t interested, drop them. Find someone else. Don’t go to too many and remember 90 percent of shidduchim are redt by family and friends.
2) Everyone has “red strikes” against them. You say most of your friends and family are OTD, well I made aliyah in my teens, got kicked out mid-school, and I’m also overweight. I have strikes against me too. But if you dwell on that, it will end of defining you. As much as what you are trying to do is the opposite, it sounds like you are trying to make sure everyone else sees who you are, but from the tone of your posts it seems like you might have to work on your attitude a little. Everyone had marks, but it’s all in Hashem’s hands.January 4, 2018 1:18 pm at 1:18 pm #1442851MalachOfCholentParticipant
Moshearye: “I am a bochur from NYC who has been in the parsha for a year now. 8 different shadchan networks have my resume, but I have not been getting any dates. I also have not been getting too many resumes, despite countless follow-ups with
Hey, this situation can definitely be tough. it’s hard not having dates and shadchanim who understand you. unfortunately i haven’t much advice for you-i’m almost in the same boat, i do what i can and am waiting for Hashem to send the right one, all my siblings are happily married by family friends so i guess i’m just waiting for them to think of someone instead of putting my hope in shadchanim-they have proven to be unhelpful.
just keep your head up and with G-D’s help she’ll come soon.January 4, 2018 1:45 pm at 1:45 pm #1442917
“And I learn only part-time.”
I think it’s fine to learn only part-time if you are working on a parnassah the rest of the time. But we learn something very key from this, this notion that the boys all have lists and life is hard on the girls is a myth. It’s only certain full time learning boys that have the lists. The girls, no matter what they are doing with their lives, all expect to have a kollel guy. So we see that there are nice bochurim available for these girls and all the pity that is expended on them has gone to waste.
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