Bochur not getting dates

I hate to say this, but if your family as well as your friends are OTD, that might be the reason. Yes, I know you don’t marry the parents or siblings, but it is effectively a culture clash.

My suggestion is to look outside the box… outside your particular community, a girl who is a BT, perhaps from overseas where yichus isn’t such an issue.

Re-do your profile and re-think your priorities. Good luck!

Moshe- there is a shidduch crisis for boys too. It’s not easy. If you are in a smaller community you may have to look at other cities. Also if you have a bad reputation from your friends and family that doesn’t help at home either.

I’d like to point something out that may be hard to hear but could be helpful if you are open to hear it. If your family and friends are otd, something is up. You have undoubtedly been affected by having family otd. And why are all your friends otd? Most people don’t go off. If you have a few friends that understandable. But if it’s too many why are you ending up with such friends? It is worth while to find a very good therapist. It’s hard to find. Most perhaps aren’t that great. If you have Relief where you live ask for a referral. Almost certainly working through things will help you. Hatzalah.

More like I need someone chareidi not yeshivish..

I’ll take the bull by the horns and be blunt>>>>
What have you got to offer a prospective wife?
It does not sound like you are prepared to support a wife and children, equip/furnish a home and your OTD family is not a candidate to underwrite your expenses.

If a prospective in-law is to be asked/expected to subsidize his daughter and son-in-law, he may not be interested in a bochur with no money and no yichus with OTD friends and family.

Mrs. CTL and I let our daughters know that we’d not be supporting sons-in-law who sat and learned while our daughters were expected to work to pay the bills. We come from the learn, then marry and earn school of thought.

It is time for a reality check, bochur. You can’t change who your family is, but you can change your friends. You may also have to change your yeshiva and associate with a new group of people.

Being perceived as having flaws shouldn’t stop a person from getting dates. If anything, it would cause them to be matched up with other people perceived as having flaws.

HML, nowhere has the OP been self-pitying, stated that he was listening to his parents, or blamed the system. I think your comment was a reaction to an imagined version of him in your head, because deep down, you have your own problems with the system and you are really arguing with that part of yourself.

so much for the myth that the bochurim have lists

Wow HML, either you just don’t get it, or I was completely right.

Rebyossel, you used the word “loose” instead of “lose”. Your other mistakes are forgivable, but that one is not. We are enemies now.

You are not the first MO bochur to grow and become more right winged/yehsivish compared to his family. I know of many such boys who have made fine appropriate shidduchim. I think the key is to leave your environment/community and join one that is more like-minded. Once you are part of that community, then people you become close to there can look after your shidduch interests. Many bochurim like you go to E”Y to learn and stay several years. They become part of their yeshiva community and find shidduchim through their yeshiva contacts. Their background is not relevant at that point, because they have removed themselves from that background. I understand from your posts that you finished learning in Yeshiva in EY and are now back home. As long as you live at home, are around your very MO family and old friends, you will be perceived as one of them, which could explain why shidduchim are going nowhere. You need to show that you want something different for your future compared to your past.- perhaps by moving out to a different community, either to attend Yeshiva or college (preferably a frum one where you can make contacts within a more fitting community) or both together. Find yourself a nice family where you can be a ben-bayis there. Hatzlacha.

What are your priorities in getting married? I see many boys who are very vague about what they can contribute to a marriage, but will clearly state that they want a wife who is very beautiful/fashionable and has a professional career (ie. will support them). Shadchanim may not have girls who are interested in a boy like that. I don’t know you and this may not be your situation at all, I’m just suggesting a potential reason why you’re not being redt.

E120: What are the girls contributions and priorities for marriage? Shadchanim have many more girls needing shidduchim than boys.

There is a difference between wanting something and expecting it. A bachur shouldn’t expect a girl to look like a model, support the household, cook gourmet meals, clean the house constantly, and be able to spin straw into gold. But there is nothing wrong with wanting those things.

RebYidd23: By “very beautiful and a professional” I meant “looks like a model and has a career as a PA”. If you think the only alternative to that is “ugly and jobless”, instead of average-looking and with a lower-paying job, that’s your problem.
Joseph: Of course girls should work on their priorities and plan to contribute to their marriages, I never said they shouldn’t. I said girls may be put off if a boy has a lot of expectations for them and not for himself.
Shopping613: I hope to work at most part-time when my kids are young. IMO a lot of the substance abuse and OTD problems we have now are caused by kids feeling lost and unwanted because both their parents were working full time and expected schools/camps to “raise” them.
moshearyeh45: I was just suggesting it as a possibility, but it sounds like that’s not your issue. As for the problem of being set up, I hear. I’m a BT so my family can’t help, and shadchanim never seem to have time. Apart from keeping in touch to remind the shadchanim you exist, you can ask married friends if their wives know any girls. If the wives of any of your Rebbeim teach girls, they may know someone. If you daven at a shul that’s your hashkafa the Rav should know which families in his community have girls in shidduchim. Being invited out to Shabbos meals is a good way for more families to meet you so they can have you in mind if they hear of someone shayach. It can be uncomfortable to announce “I’m in shidduchim and this is what I’m looking for” to someone you just met, but without family help we have to do more hishtadlus.

Look, the system is a mess regardless of what anyone tells you. It’s a mess in particular if you don’t fit the mold or have trouble pretending that you do – which is what most people who seem to fit it do. And there’s 100 ways of not fitting the mold.

Allow me, who suffered through this, to make some suggestions.

1) Be as frum as you can be. I’m not talking about driving yourself crazy or faking it. But come as close as you can to Hashem and mitzvos in a healthy way and look to Him for help with this. I have found that the more people are tied up in gentile culture, the more trouble they have getting married.
2) Either work towards serious learning or serious parnassah with kovaya itim.
3) Use all the matchmaking tools. There are singles events, websites, matchmakers, and connections.
4) Create a dating resume and hand it out.
5) Don’t take opportunities for granted. If you meet a decent girl, marry her. Don’t think somebody a little bit better is around the corrner.
6) Don’t think you have forever. Get busy with this.

Moshearye: “I am a bochur from NYC who has been in the parsha for a year now. 8 different shadchan networks have my resume, but I have not been getting any dates. I also have not been getting too many resumes, despite countless follow-ups with
shadchanim.”
Hey, this situation can definitely be tough. it’s hard not having dates and shadchanim who understand you. unfortunately i haven’t much advice for you-i’m almost in the same boat, i do what i can and am waiting for Hashem to send the right one, all my siblings are happily married by family friends so i guess i’m just waiting for them to think of someone instead of putting my hope in shadchanim-they have proven to be unhelpful.
just keep your head up and with G-D’s help she’ll come soon.