January 7, 2011 5:01 pm at 5:01 pm #594046adorableParticipant
Lets say someone asked you to have take a girl in to live with you. Would you let her come live with you for a short amount of time if you have little children and she can be an influence? On one hand, they will grow up knowing there are all different types in the world and we have to show these kids warmth. On the other hand, what if they want to also hang out with guys/girls and say that she did it and you always loved her why can’t i?January 7, 2011 5:37 pm at 5:37 pm #725736CedarhurstMember
Bad idea.January 7, 2011 5:41 pm at 5:41 pm #725737real-briskerMember
Dont do kiruv if it can be merachek others!January 7, 2011 5:47 pm at 5:47 pm #725738bezalelParticipant
If you have to ask on a public forum than it is probably not good idea for you. I know of people who have done it successfully but they approached the situation with a different mindset.January 7, 2011 5:51 pm at 5:51 pm #725739RuphRuphMember
Every situation is different. It depends on how your children see you, and her. I grew up with many an interesting guest at the Shabbos table. It only added to the Taam of Shabbos. Taking in to live is much more complicated than that, but you have to know your children. It would be best to speak it over with a Baal Ruach Hakodesh.January 7, 2011 5:53 pm at 5:53 pm #725740EzratHashemMember
Overall it’s probably not a good idea. Even in very young children the idea is planted that there is an alternative lifestyle and if the girl becomes close to them all the more problematic as they remember her later. On the other hand, you can look at variables such as the strength or vulnerability of your children to outside temptation, and how cooperative she would be in avoiding inappropriate behavior around your children, then, daven for the best outcome. Chabad is the only group I have seen who can do this successfully, and I really don’t fully understand how they do it.January 7, 2011 5:56 pm at 5:56 pm #725741CedarhurstMember
Chabad has compromised their own values in the process.January 7, 2011 6:39 pm at 6:39 pm #725742Sister BearMember
I grew up in a kiruv home and my parents did not compromise our standards nor did we ever dream of being like the people who ate by us, who lived with us… (and no we are not Chabad)
I would say it depends on your kids ages and the age of the girl. You could set standards inside your own home and tell the girl that she has to abide (obvious they should be reasonable).
You can explain to your kids that there are different strokes for different folks.
Ask a rav who knows you and your family!!!January 7, 2011 7:24 pm at 7:24 pm #725743MDGParticipant
If you do decide to say no, then do it in a way that does not turn her off.
I have a non-frum relative, who was considering to become frum. When she was looking to rent from and live with a frum family with young kids, she was told “NO” in such a way that she was turned off. She is getting married soon (to a Jew), but I can’t go because the wedding is not kosher (food and aidim).January 9, 2011 1:41 am at 1:41 am #725744A23Participant
I think the ages of the girl and, especially, your children are very relevant to the question.January 9, 2011 1:50 am at 1:50 am #725745aries2756Participant
This “job” is not for everyone and it is not fair for anyone to impose on you. This is a voluntary situation for those who CAN do it. My husband and I have had 11 kids at some point or other stay at our home for various amounts of time in the 15 years that we live in our current home. Some we really parented and some were just part timers that just basically were drifters or just needed a place to be for a short period of time. You have to be at the right place in your life and your children’s lives to be able to do this. You can’t just “want” to do this, your family and home setup has to be right.
Like you can’t take in a girl if you have a bunch of boys and vice a versa. You can’t take in a kid if you barely have enough time to devote to your own kids. And you can’t take in a kid if you are not a full time mom and homemaker because you just can’t be there for that kid the way they need you to be. These kids need a Co-parent. They are in need of something their own parents can’t provide for them. And if your home is not set up to do that then you are not in a place in your life where you are ready to take on this challenge. It is not a matter of room and board, it is a matter of bringing a child into your heart and soul. It means you are going get hurt at times and you are going to have tremendous nachas. There will be ups and downs and you will worry, laugh and cry just like with your own kids. They need love and attention and it is not fair to take that away from your own kids when they are little because this young person is so needy even if they claim they aren’t and they appear to be so tough and untouchable.
So you need to know what your family dynamic is. You need to know if your spouse is on the same page as you. You need to know if your family is willing to do this along side of you and put in the effort to give this child the time, attention, love and support that this child needs and understand that you are doing this as a family and that means mommy and tatty will have to pay attention to that child even if it means it will take some of their time and attention away from them. If you are all in agreement and they understand that this child is coming in for help to be a better person and that no matter what they do and say they are doing so because they are hurting inside and that WE are here to teach and not learn bad habits from them, then it might be something to consider.
If you do get involved, you are going to have to take baby steps to get to know her and not smother her. She won’t trust you at first and it will take time to build a relationship and some time before she opens up and starts talking to you. I hope this helped in some way. Hatzlocha.
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