chassunah, who pays for what?
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- This topic has 26 replies, 19 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 10 months ago by adorable.
July 21, 2011 8:06 pm at 8:06 pm #598147mewhoParticipant
i ahve heard so many different versions of who pays for what. the kallah for this, the chosson for that.
is there a real rule? what options are available?July 21, 2011 8:15 pm at 8:15 pm #788448oomisParticipant
“The Rules” are that the bride’s side pays for the wedding,meaning the caterer. The groom’s side pays for the FLOP(S), which are Flowers, Liquor, Orchestra, Photographer (and Sheitel).
We didn’t go by the rules, we split the costs 50-50 with our machetonim for each of two weddings, and it was a great decision. Both sides had about the same nymber of guests, so that may be a strong factor in doing it that way.
The ikker is to TALK with your machetonim and reach a decision together without any rancor.July 21, 2011 8:16 pm at 8:16 pm #788449WolfishMusingsParticipant
is there a real rule? what options are available?
Whatever you and your future spouse decide on.
By us, we split the costs 50-50.
The WolfJuly 21, 2011 8:20 pm at 8:20 pm #788450Sender AvMember
the way it was presented to my father when my sister got married was the guy pays for FLOPS
Add any other letters you want.
I do not believe we followed this exactly. I hope when I get married (please G-D), my kallahs family has not heard of this.July 21, 2011 8:26 pm at 8:26 pm #788451mewhoParticipant
i think 50-50 is most sensible unless the kallah comes from a wealthy family and has expensive tastesJuly 21, 2011 8:45 pm at 8:45 pm #788452popcornMember
I’ve heard of the FLOP option…but I never knew the letter S was added to the word. When did the Sheital addition begin.
Why put more pressure on the Chossons family and the need to buy a shaitel for the Kallah ($2000 plus ) on top of all other expenses. Why isn’t it feasible for the Kallah’s family to buy their daughter her own shaitel. Who decides what’s acceptable or not in the list of requirements? If one decides to do 50/50 are they still required to buy a shaitel for the Kallah or does that only apply if they do FLOP.
May it be a Bayis Ne’eman B’yisroel, Binyan Adei Ad !!!July 21, 2011 9:04 pm at 9:04 pm #788453mom of a fewMember
my aunt went 50-50 and really suffered because the kallas side wanted things much fancier.July 21, 2011 9:21 pm at 9:21 pm #788454littleappleMember
There are alot more things that will come up like invitations (kallah) benchers (CHASSAN) sheva brochas not to mention clothing gifts, transprtation etc. etc.July 21, 2011 9:23 pm at 9:23 pm #788455sm77Participant
What doesn’t make sense, is that I work 10-11 hours a day, it takes me about an hour on the subway each way to get to work and back. It takes me at least an hour to daven in the morning. At the end of the year my salary is $70k before taxes. A chasana, is one night, lasting a couple hours. I have to work a couple years, to pay for a one night couple hour event? Life doesn’t make sense.July 22, 2011 12:02 am at 12:02 am #788456mosheroseMember
Look at what the gedolim did and do the same.July 22, 2011 12:11 am at 12:11 am #788457Another nameParticipant
50-50 is more fair. With the FLOP(S) option the kallah’s family ultimately ends up spending more- way more!July 22, 2011 12:16 am at 12:16 am #788458always hereParticipant
mosherose, you funny guy!~ where is it written how a Gadol paid for the costs of his simchas?! do you know their caterers, lol?!
also- sometimes the ‘S’ in FLOPS or FLOPSS stands for ‘silver’: leichters.July 22, 2011 12:22 am at 12:22 am #788459mosheroseMember
Ask a gadol thenJuly 22, 2011 12:23 am at 12:23 am #788460yummy cupcakeMember
sm77, the crazy thing is that you spend that much on a chassuna! i am so sorry, but where i come from, the weddings are very nice and they don’t take away two years of your salary. unless you are someone who has to keep up with the jonses, or maybe you ARE the jonses, there is no excuse for that! its disgusting what money ppl will throw away for five hours! why don’t you cut down and maybe use some to give to the chosson and kallah to start their life together? unless that was part of the cheshbon, which is still totally crazy!July 22, 2011 12:54 am at 12:54 am #788461aries2756Participant
Not everyone holds from the Sheitel. That is optional depending on what your family normally does. It is usually FLOP or 50/50 or whatever the two mechutanim decide on. If you decide on 50/50 you talk about the expenses beforehand. You don’t say 50/50 the sky is the limit. The point of 50/50 is to stay within a budget. You make decisions together and so you both have a say in what is chosen and organized for the wedding. If one side likes a more fancy wedding then you are better off sticking to FLOP and letting each side do what they want or saying “I am willing to spend “$X” for the wedding. If you want to spend more that is up to you but this is all I can afford to do. I would prefer to do it together so we both know what the other is doing, but if you want to go FLOP we will handle our responsibilities and you can handle yours.”
The most important thing is NOT to get the kids involved int he financials. And if you are the kids you should know that it is NOT your business and YOU should stay out of it. Don’t be the messengers and don’t be in the middle. If they try to tell you what’s going on or complain say “that’s not my business, that’s between you and my parents or between you and my future in-laws”. Don’t get in the middle because that will cause machlokes between the chasson and Kallah.July 22, 2011 1:53 am at 1:53 am #788462yummy cupcakeMember
just reread my post. sm77 i didn’t mean to sound harsh, just trying to say that you can have a nice chassuna without paying two salaries for it. gosh, i’m all for having a nice chassuna, i don’t mean you should have it in your backyard or something, but try to cut down on things. like, if flowers and music are really important to you, spend on that, but keep in check what you pay for the rest. see what’s really important to you, and keep that in mind as the main thing u’ll spend on. a few nice halls? choose a less pricey one. get what i’m saying?July 22, 2011 2:37 am at 2:37 am #788463full_of_rageMember
perhaps this discussion of “rules” and “supposed to” is part of the shidduch crisis. Are people putting to much emphasis on the wedding and not the marriage?July 22, 2011 2:39 am at 2:39 am #788464mikehall12382Member
Looking back, I would have rather the money go to a down payment on my house, tuition, and tzedakah…I have a nice video and album… Looked at them maybe twice…July 22, 2011 3:01 am at 3:01 am #788465Another nameParticipant
mikehall, yeah imagine all the money we could have saved if we used pizza instead of a shmorg, 5 courses, and a viennese table to boot!July 22, 2011 10:14 am at 10:14 am #788466sm77Participant
I am not married. I was thrown out of yeshiva, because I didn’t have money to pay tuition. The rabonim told me that I have to go to the US to work, as I need at least $100,000 to get married, and in Israel one needs to buy an apartment. But, after years of working, I am in big debt, because frum people took advantage of me, and defrauded me big time.
And if I would ever get married, I would be happy with a simple chasana, no flowers, no video, but all the girls want fancy.July 22, 2011 2:30 pm at 2:30 pm #788467tracht gutMember
I’m getting married soon iyh, and in our circles it is accepted to do 50/50 including flop,i very much want a fancy wedding but i am not putting my parents into debt because of that.I’ll survive without video and a 5 man band ! Yes im helping out my parents by giving half of my savings to them but i dont feel in the least bit entitled to a wedding more then they can afford, after all the biggest chunk is from their pockets…July 22, 2011 2:30 pm at 2:30 pm #788468golden momMember
B”h today there r a lot of halls offering great prices on certain nights if u follow there rules its so worth it fake flowes (who needs real) one man band (today they can make them sound like) who needs more and u have to bench and be out by a certain time (yeah pp might actaully be there for benching). Who needs more but nobody mention how its the parents obligation to “set up” the aptJuly 22, 2011 3:04 pm at 3:04 pm #788469smartcookieMember
Regarding Sheitlach, the Chassidim made it simple. Boys side buys Sheitlach, girl’s side pays for shtreimelach!July 22, 2011 3:14 pm at 3:14 pm #788470adorableParticipant
I dont know why I think this but is it true that in the chassidish circles they do 50/50 while in the more “litvish” circles they do FLOPJuly 22, 2011 3:18 pm at 3:18 pm #788471tracht gutMember
Yup thats the way it works..July 22, 2011 3:27 pm at 3:27 pm #788472WolfishMusingsParticipant
The important thing to remember is that there is no “halacha” about this. If you and your spouse find a different arrangement that works for you, go for it.
The WolfJuly 22, 2011 3:44 pm at 3:44 pm #788473adorableParticipant
Wolf- even more important is to realize that you wont have a better marriage if you have a fancier wedding…. stop putting so much pressure on the one night and take care of the emotional part of it and the rest of your life
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