Chemistry-or not?

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  • #598399

    lightitup
    Member

    Ok heres my latest 😉 Hope it wont sprak too much of a controversy..

    What exactly do guys mean when they break off dating someone because they dont feel chemistry? One thing that bothers me is that it seems that lots of guys break it off after 2 or even 1 date and are convinced the girl is not for them, even when the date went well and there is potential for a greater relationship. However, they arent interested and say its because of lack of chemistry. How can one tell so early on in the game, if everything else is going well, and these things can grow?

    And are these guys convincable to give it another try? especially since you never know…

    #794342

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I thought it is usually girls who break it off for “don’t feel it”.

    However, if I was the shadchan and a guy said that, I would know he meant “looks”.

    #794343

    Bar Shattya
    Member

    Just because pba is not me, doesn’t mean he’s not right. He is.

    #794344

    MiddlePath
    Participant

    It could be any number of things that he would not feel comfortable saying outright. Sometimes, there really is a lack of chemistry, but that term is sometimes also used to cover up a more uncomfortable or serious issue.

    I happen to think that people sometimes break it off too quickly because they claim they don’t feel chemistry or emotionally attached. Well, I’m not surprised…It’s difficult to be emotionally attached after a few dates. Perhaps if they kept it up for longer, and began to feel more comfortable around each other, they would develop an attachment or “chemistry”.

    #794345

    ZachKessin
    Member

    I could also be a generic term for “I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something feels off”. I find that when my gut tells me that about something It is generally a good idea to listen.

    #794346

    Poppa is on the money. It is rare that two people who have never met will have real chemistry after only seeing eachother twice. But if the guy does not feel himself as being attracted to his date, he will likely not tell the Shadchan this outright.

    Soon, when the word “chemistry” becomes synonymous with “attractive”, people will need to come up with a new word to express why they do not wish to see their date again. Perhaps people will tell their Shadchan that they did not feel “synergy”.

    #794347

    aries2756
    Participant

    You can’t expect chemistry or to “click” on the very first or maybe second date. If you do, that is great, but some times it takes a little more time to warm up and really be yourselves when dating. Many young people are so burnt by the dating game that they are guarded, some are just plain nervous, so young people have to be patient. My rule is if there is no reason NOT to continue then keep going and give it a chance to develop.

    If someone says “we didn’t click” or “there wasn’t any chemistry” after one or two dates, he either didn’t want to go out with her to begin with, or he already has his eye on the next one on the list. He obviously was not willing to give her his full attention and the opportunity to see if she was a possibility. If he couldn’t give more of an evaluation such as “she is way too shy, she is sloppy, she doesn’t dress well, her laugh is annoying, she is argumentative, she couldn’t hold up her end of the conversation, etc.” then he just wasn’t willing to give her a chance.

    #794348

    Peacemaker
    Member

    What ever happened to love on first sight?

    #794349

    jmj613
    Participant

    aries is right…

    #794350

    oomis
    Participant

    Chemistry is exactly what it sounds like. It is a chemical, hormonla physical reaction that occurs when one is attracted to someone. If a guy is not feeling ANY chemistry after two dates (and I mean ANY), then it probably is not going to happen, because guys react hormonally more quickly than girls do, as a rule. Hashem designed us that way. That said, when a guy tells a shadchan there is no chemistry, it is often his polite way of saying he doesn’t feel she is attractive to him.

    Girls may use the chemistry excuse, too, but a girl gets attracted to a guy for many different reasons, and looks are only one part of the equasion. I think a girl will go out for additional dates when she sees a potential for attraction. I think guys would say buh-bye after no more than two such dates.

    #794351

    mommamia22
    Participant

    I once pushed myself to go out more than once with someone b/c he fit the bill, but I was NOT attracted to him. I continued for quite a while, and the guy really thought things were progressing. My feelings about the lack of attraction pretty much stayed the same, and I eventually ended that. I think it’s very rare that someone with whom you’ve had little or no attraction for, that it can work. Sometimes it can grow (depending upon how neutral the feeling was. A person’s appearance can change with something as simple as a change of clothing and or opening up personality wise. But, from experience, if it doesn’t grow within the first few dates, it probably won’t. I know of only one girl who married a man she was not attracted to (chemistry means either physical appearance or personality or both). She is still married to him after many years. But a) she followed the advice of her rav to marry him and b) she was truly not a shallow girl. She dressed neat and clean, but gave very little thought to her appearance. The friends she chose baalas midos tovos, not the super popular outgoing types who everyone flocks to. So she always chose based on good values.

    #794352

    adorable
    Participant

    its prob just a cover-up for another reason why the guy doesnt wanna date her anymore.

    #794353

    mommamia22
    Participant

    My mother always said the guy must like the girl just a little bit more than the girl likes the guy (because she’s very vulnerable). I would never try to convince a guy to go out again if he said the chemistry is off.

    #794354

    dunno
    Member

    I’m guilty of using chemistry as an excuse. I think it helps avoid hurt on the other side.

    #794355

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I once told the shadchan the problem was chemistry.

    He said, “I’m guessing too many hydrogen and carbon chains with a carbolic acid group at one end”.

    (use google)

    #794356

    cshapiro
    Member

    I dont think looks and chemistry are mutually exclusive…and when a guy or girl says they dont feel it, I think its more clash of personality or lack of interest…about a year ago I dated a gorgeous belgium guy, he had everything any girl would want….money, looks, total football player 🙂 anyways there was no chemistry on either end and I think it was his boring personality that put me to sleep and caused me to lack interest….idk why he said no, but he recently asked for another chance…oh well his loss 🙂 bh I have a wonderful fiance now

    #794357

    bpt
    Participant

    It means he is ashamed to admit what his concern really is. Could be money, looks, afraid to commit.

    Feel the chemistry? Gimme a break. His knowledge of chemistry is most likely limited to knowing what happens when you mix Mentos and Sprite.

    #794358

    Another name
    Participant

    Chemistry is a general statement that can mean a variety of things. It doesn’t only have to mean looks. It can mean haskafah, personality, life goals, etc. It is a neutral excusable way of calling off the shidduch. The other “positive” way of calling off a shidduch is to say “he/ she is too good for him/ her.”

    #794359

    😀 just saw bar shattya’s new blurb. way to go mods.. high five friday

    #794360

    aries2756
    Participant

    So the first date is very formal and the girl dresses for it. The second date he is still wearing a suit and hat and things are “iffy”. The third date they decide to go casual. She puts on a funky skirt, ties her hair up in a pony tail and wears pink flats. He wears a nice sweater and slacks. They go out and have some fun and look at each other in a different light. Is this the same girl I had two dates with? She actually has some spunk to her. Is this the same stuffy guy wearing the levush, he actually knows how to laugh and tell a joke? Yeah there might yet be some chemical reaction in the works.

    I am just saying that sometimes it happens right away and sometimes you have to give it a chance. But many times in shidduchim, one or the other does not give the prospect their full attention or a real opportunity to see if it will work out. They have someone in the wings, they are comparing to someone else, the mother already said yes to the next, whatever it is, they just use chemistry as an excuse. That is a big shame.

    #794361

    oomis
    Participant

    This topic reminded me of a sweet girl my son liked very much as a person and therefore he asked her out. She was (and is) a very wonderful girl, so he went out with her and hoped the attraction would build. After several dates, he realized that as much as he truly WANTED to feel it, there was no real chemistry on his part. She recently got married to a terrific guy who is just right for her and she for him.

    #794362

    photogenic
    Member

    Aries, You are 1,000% on the mark. If only everyone can read what you have said and take it to heart.

    #794363

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I am very disappointed in the CR that nobody got my funny story.

    #794364

    gavra_at_work
    Participant

    I am very disappointed in the CR that nobody got my funny story.

    Oomis did, and she got it even before you posted!

    #794365

    adorable
    Participant

    I didnt have patience to google but you’re making it sound enticing. let me see if i get the joke once i google it.

    #794366

    adorable
    Participant

    does it mean shes fat?

    #794367

    “However, if I was the shadchan and a guy said that, I would know he meant “looks”. “

    I agree. If he’s talking about chemistry so soon it means he doesnt like how she looks

    #794368

    bpt
    Participant

    ” ..very disappointed in the CR that nobody got my funny story. “

    How do you think I feel, that no one got my Mentos / Sprite joke?

    #794369

    bpt
    Participant

    “as much as he truly WANTED to feel it, there was no real chemistry on his part”

    Oomis –

    From your kid, I’ll accept this at face value. Why? Because while he might have been able to fool the shadchan, I don’t think he’d be able to fool you.

    #794370

    oomis
    Participant

    “From your kid, I’ll accept this at face value. Why? Because while he might have been able to fool the shadchan, I don’t think he’d be able to fool you”

    You got THAT right. Nor would he want to.

    “what happens when you mix Mentos and Sprite.”

    Wasn’t that supposed tp be Pop Rocks and Coke?

    #794371

    HaLeiVi
    Participant

    Popa, the perfume bothered you?

    #794372

    bpt
    Participant

    ” Pop Rocks and Coke? ”

    No, Mentos for sure, maybe 7up instead of Sprite.

    Pop Rocks? Wow, I haven’t had those in ages.

    #794373

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Yes, it means fat. That was the molecular compound for fat, as cited in Wikipedia

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